The Internet Is a Sewer

Is this a sewer? It is just a pipe spewing water? Eh…you get the idea.

This is going to be both a rant and just my random opinion that you can feel free to disregard.

In fact, you can always feel free to disregard my opinions, except that the Hamilton soundtrack can indeed be enjoyed over 500 times without getting sick of it and that people who talk in movie theaters…sigh…remember those….are evil and must never be allowed back.

But the internet is a sewer.

Now, we all know this. Why do I need to tell you this? Everyone except maybe your grandma and Qanon uncle knows this. And why would I be talking about this in relation to kink/BDSM?

Because I’ve seen and talked to numerous people lately who are looking for partners on the internet.

People, the internet is a SEWER! I just cannot repeat this enough.

Am I posting on the internet? Yes. Am I posting in the sewer? Yes.

But I will say that I have an actual website that took time (so much time) to create and maintain. I have a social media presence. I produce a lot of content.

I also don’t pretend that I want to be your kinky girlfriend. Why? Because I don’t try to get in relationships with people I meet only exclusively online! (I did meet my boyfriend online. But we pretty quickly transitioned to talking on the phone and then meeting in person.)

Somehow, call me crazy, I don’t believe that the guys on Reddit who tell me repeatedly that they love my audio recordings and will “do anything” for me will really DO ANYTHING for me, unless that anything is jerking off to my voice.

And if a random too good to be true shows up in your inbox out of nowhere, she or he or they are also likely to be too good to be true—unless there’s a specific reason they found you, contacted you, etc…

Now, I should clarify that I think some parts of the internets are more…stinky… than others. I do encourage people interested in kink to get on Fetlife because it is the biggest only meeting place for that, AND because it’s a place where you can get OUT of the sewer and find people in real life.

Then most of the rats who live in the sewer don’t want to come into the light, and you are left with people who took the time to:

–Put on pants

–Leave their house

–Engage with other human beings in person

Honestly, this is a high bar for me these days. (And only swingers seem to still be having events. I know this because I get two emails a week telling me that they are, and each time I am like…really? Really?) But I digress…

Although I am old and have little experience with dating apps, I also recommend them, especially OKCupid, which is kinda kink friendly.

Or maybe Feeld, although it does seem to cater more to hookups, swingers (we know they’re still partying through a pandemic) and unicorns (see swingers…why am I being so mean to swingers today? I’m going to get so many mean responses from swingers.)

I recommend them only because this is basically the way people date these days. I think. (See: I’m old.) And they also encourage you to get out of the sewer for what is currently a cold coffee date on a patio wearing a blanket and mask.

What I do not recommend is just trying to meet people without:

–Putting on pants

–Leaving your house

–Engaging with other human beings in person

Because if someone cannot be bothered to do those three things to meet you, they are not worth meeting.

Some caveats because I know people will mention them.

Yes, we are in a pandemic. This sucks. It is much harder to meet people in person, and so some of this advice is definitely tailored to a post-pandemic world, which hopefully will arrive soon.

It is hard for some people to engage with others. I know this is real. It is way less scary to talk to people behind a screen, and I recognize this. But it is usually when we take risks that we are rewarded. Sometimes not. But you’ll never find out unless you try.  

Why Submissive Men Shouldn’t Ignore Switches

Not that kind.

I’m going to tell you a little secret. Sshhhh. It’s just between us.

I am actually a switch.

Yes. It is true! I switch! I enjoy bottoming sometimes.

I even often have erotic humiliation fantasies, where I’m the one being humiliated.

Do I act on them?

I’ve tried a few times but it hasn’t worked out well because I’m actually very controlling and have a certain idea of how I want my erotic humiliation to go. “No! That’s not the WAY I want to be called be a slutty whore! Say it like THIS!”

So, no. Not really. They are masturbatory fantasies between me and my Hitachi.

But sometimes even I, this woman writing about domination all the time, likes to feel like I am “put in my place a little.”

Is it all the time? No. It’s maybe 10% of the time. It depends on how I feel and the energy I want. But I sometimes like to bottom.

Of course, bottoming doesn’t necessarily have anything to with relationship dynamics. You can bottom and still remain entirely in charge. If I tell my partner that I want him to spank me until my ass is red and I’m crying, I’m still in charge because I want it and he’s doing it because I wanted him to do. It doesn’t make me any less or more in charge than if I’d told him I wanted to spank HIM until his ass was red and HE was crying—no matter how it might appear to others.

But I admit that when I bottom, I like to surrender a little, or at least pretend to surrender for that period of time. For me, kink is pretty psychological. So, if I’m going to sublimate myself physically, it’s the emotions and headspace that are really going to turn me on. Not just the act.

The reason I’m throwing this out there is the old ratio mythology that there are something like 20 submissive men to 1 dominant woman. This seems to have been disproved in a multitude of ways. I’m not saying it’s even. But 20 to 1? Nah. I don’t think so.

I think one factor that’s often overlooked is that people do all kinds of things in relationships that they don’t talk about. You don’t need to be publicly kinky to be kinky. If you’re a dominant woman and you meet a guy who is into it, nobody else needs to know. And kink has to be really integral to what you’re looking for if you’re a woman who ACTIVELY seeks a submissive partner.

I maintain that for a lot of women, it isn’t that integral. Or they don’t know it is at the age where they’re searching for a life partner. But that doesn’t mean they might not like it, or like it sometimes. They just might not care ENOUGH that they’re searching for someone specifically submissive or dominant or anything. They are looking for a person and not a set of kinks.

If, as a man, being submissive IS that integral to your life, a woman who is only kind of kinky or only occasionally dominant might not work for you. But I think it’s a mistake to write off women who aren’t labeling themselves—as dominant or as anything. Because if someone like me, who is writing a blog about sensual female domination, is telling you that she sometimes finds it fun to switch places and be (or pretend to be) the submissive partner, imagine how many other women out there might be into it with the right person and the right relationship dynamic. If you limit yourself to looking ONLY for women who actively label themselves as dominant or mistresseses, you might be missing out on a great partner, as long as you can also maintain some flexibility.

*Also, I feel like I should give this note. This doesn’t mean that I suggest mail bombing every woman on Fetlife who identifies as a switch. As always, be polite. Read profiles. Read the room. It’s just a little reminder not to get so caught up on labels that you don’t see the kinky forest for the whip wielding trees.

Domme Bait: Part Two–The Dommening!

Here, sharky sharky sharky!

Hello, My Darling Deviants!

Yesterday’s post was getting so long! So, I decided to break it up into parts. Yesterday, I was writing about how subby guys can write a nice profile on Fetlife if they’re looking for a relationship.

A caveat. Fetlife isn’t a dating site. Yada yada. Everyone says this. And it’s true. But lots of people do use it to find partners. You can totally be on Fetlife NOT looking for relationships. You should absolutely feel free to do whatever you want there. These are simply my suggestions for how to write a profile that stands above others.

I also totally forgot to mention names. I strongly suggest not having a name like Slave4U4Ever or BitchBoy98762. Why? Well, they aren’t creative. And they totally lead with your kinks, which is a big no no. Women worth investing time in aren’t looking for a KINK. They are looking for a PERSON. You are not a slave. Yes, you may fantasize about being a slave. But you are not one. Your name is John or Bill or Ted or whatever, and you are a human being. Act like one.

Okay. So, let’s get down to it. I’m going to do a sample profile for a subby guy who likes sci-fi, board games and some sports. (I don’t know much about sports.) Kinkwise, he’s into bondage, tickling and cuckolding, among other things.

Hi! I’m CthuluforPresident!

Tentacle monsters are my jam. Also basketball. Go, Lakers! And occasionally being tied up for women’s amusement.

I’m mostly here to meet new people and learn more about myself. And form a kinky D&D club in my city. Unless there already is one? If not, why isn’t there?

As you can probably tell, I have a thing for sci-fi. I love Orson Scott Card and Neal Stephenson. “SevenEves” was amazing! I also liked “The Martian,” the book and the movie, and I just finished reading “The Three Body Project.” Did you like it as much as I did? If so, let’s talkl!

I’m also into sports. (Insert things about sports if you know about them.) I try to stay active. I’m into hiking and skiing, and would love to find some hiking buddies in the area. And I also love tabletop games. I DO actually play in a local D&D game, and you can usually find me haunting the local game shop when a new title comes out.

As for kink, my biggest interests right now are bondage, tickling and cuckolding. (I’m not going to tell you where I’m ticklish. Finding out is half the fun.) But I’m always open to learning more about my likes and dislikes, especially with a guiding partner.

I’m definitely interested in being more active in the community and finding my “dream domme,” but that can be especially hard during COVID. I’m open to all kinds of connections with people in my area, including friendships and relationships. So, please feel free to say hi–giant tentacle monsters included. I’m very inclusive.

So, this is a random profile pretending to be a guy. I don’t know if I nailed it. But I think it’s a decent approximation of what a nice profile looks like. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. It tells about the person. It doesn’t lead with kinks but doesn’t ignore them either. It shows some flexibility. It asks for people to reach out and say hello regardless of romantic intent, which is non-threatening.

Let me know what you think? Do you think your Fetlife profile is awesome and want to share it? (I know. No pressure.) Let me know!

Creating a Domme Bait Profile on Fetlife (This is Way Less Creepy Than It Sounds.)

This picture suddenly seems weirdly kinky to me now.

Hello, My Darling Deviants!

I’ve written about Fetlife messages before, mostly the lame ones that get guys tossed in the trash bin.

Hello, Generic Mistress/Queen/Goddess,

It’s clear this is copy pasta and how can I serve you mmm….I’ll bet your pussy tastes so good. I love dominates. Cuckold my pathetic tiny penis, please.
Love, your pathetic servant forever.

PS.  I’ll do ANYTHING for you.  

Ha ha. I’m so mean.

It’s really the “dominate” that gets me. I feel like if you don’t know the difference between dominate and dominant, it’s not going to work between us.

BUT….I do digress!

Today, I’m NOT going to write about Fetlife messages. NO. I am going to write about Fetlife profiles, specifically for subby men. And I feel that I am qualified to do this because:

  1. My personal Fetlife profile is totally awesome. You’ll never get to see it. Sad for you.
  2. I met my BF on Fetlife because HE had an awesome profile that interested me. So, this is totally non-scientific anecdotal proof that you can meet toppy women on Fetlife if you seem interesting! (And cute. I mean, cute doesn’t hurt.)

So, what I wanted to talk about was my suggestions for subby guys creating a profile on Fetlife for the purposes of meeting women. (If that’s not what you care about, feel free to totally disregard and go on with your bad self.) I want to talk about some things to avoid, and some things I think make a good profile. Let’s dig in.

  1. No penis pictures. Out of the gate, this is just a no. MAYBE you can have one VERY artfully penis shot somewhere in your pictures, but you are slipping that one in under the radar. Under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES ever, do you make that your profile pictures. Double no for a caged cock. Nobody cares. Double double triple no for your asshole. Plugged or unplugged. All it says is, “Serve my penis, please random woman.”
  2. I totally get that many people don’t want to show their faces on Fetlife. I have very few face pictures, and they are set to friends only. But if you can’t show your face, or part of your face (the smile is nice..or eyes), then try to show some kind of body shot with some personality. You don’t have to be hiking or skiing or do the popular yoga OKCupid poses, but you want your profile picture to give people some sense of your character.
  3. If you have a nice body, there’s no harm in showing it off. But not naked. You can have an artful naked pic or two in your pictures, but your profile picture should be clothed or at least wearing pants. I mean, unless you are totally hot. In which case, you don’t need any of this advice. Just be gorgeous. The ladies will flock. I am assuming you’re like a relatively normal looking person. I’m also even going to suggest NOT using fetish wear in your profile pic. I do love a cute boy in panties, but I don’t want to feel he’s leading with that.
  4. Pictures are great. They give people a sense of who you are. You can always include funny memes or pictures of things that are really important to you. Pets. Cars. Books. Hobbies. Remember that you’re trying to make connections with people. Give them something to identify with in your pictures and your words. I know it’s harder for me to be seductive in photos than women, but get a little familiar with filters and how to frame a shot. Women almost always are careful about the photos they present. You should be too.
  5. Okay. Let’s move past pictures and go to the actual profile now. The number one thing I DO NOT want you to do is lead with your kinks. Want to be approached by predatory women who aren’t actually interested in a relationship? Then make it clear that you aren’t either by ONLY focusing on how much you love bondage or cuckolding or SPH or chastity or whatever your kinks are. Yes. Fetlife is a kink site, but it’s like kinky Facebook. I can tell you that I don’t care at all if you like tease and denial if I see nothing else interesting about you as a person. I am not looking for a T&D object. I’m looking for a person I like who also happens to like T&D.
  6. Subby guys tend to make this mistake because….I don’t really know why. They get this idea that the woman they’re looking for has some kind of checklist in her head about the things she wants a partner to DO for her…how he can SERVE her. Now, I am not a service oriented domme, and I know I’m biased because of that. But I really believe that if you are looking for an actual relationship, you don’t want to be in one with a woman who only cares about the service you can provide to her and not about who you are as an actual person. So, I strongly suggest not listing off the things you want to DO for a domme. In fact, I strongly suggest not focusing on other people at all—but instead just focusing on what makes you an interesting person.
  7. So, that gets to the meat and potatoes. You talk about yourself. I know not everyone can be as witty as me. 😉 But you don’t really have to be witty or funny, although it doesn’t hurt. What you want to do is introduce yourself. Tell people a little about who you are and the things you like. Being specific is really good. Don’t just say, “I like watching TV and movies.” Say, “I like sci-fi. Star Trek over Star Wars forever.” Don’t just say, “I like music.” Say, “I have listened to the Hamilton soundtrack three times a day for over a year.” (That’s just me.) Whatever you say, just remember that you are looking to make connections—not in a creepy way. In a normal way. What do you look for when you meet other people? Things you have in common. Things you find interesting about them. You want to give people a chance to find those same things in you.

Well, this has gotten very long! I will follow up tomorrow with an example profile. I hope this helped. If you disagree with me—well, you are wrong. But you can free to tell me so. 😉

Have a great day and feel free to give me money if you land an amazing domme because of my ultimate wisdom. I’ll also take an invite to the wedding.

How to Not Make Female Dominance Feel Like Work for a Woman

A cozy happy place picture for me

Yesterday I talked about Ms. Rika’s book, Uniquely Rika. Again, I am not a shill for this book. I just liked it, and I think it’s very different than a lot of the other “how to be a femdom” books out there which really focus more on how to be a “fantasy” femdom than actually have a female led relationship.

And, again, I want to say that I also think it’s totally okay to NOT want to have a female led relationship. In all honesty, although I use labels here because they’re convenient, I don’t usually refer to myself as a “domme” IRL or my partner as a “sub,” because I am really just a person who likes certain things. A label is sort of convenient, but it’s also limiting. 

And I don’t have a female led relationship. Am I bossy? Yes. Controlling? Sometimes. Is that because I have some agreed upon dynamic where I always get my way and it’s kinky and hot and all subtexty? No. It’s because I’m bossy and neurotic and people who love me learn to deal with it, and I try to work on it to not drive them insane.

Okay. I’m getting a little sidetracked.

What I did want to focus on was the end part of what I mentioned yesterday, where I talked about the WORK of “female dominance.” And you’ll notice that I’m putting “female dominance” in quotations here because it really seems like irony. Doesn’t it?

The fantasy of femdom is that I am superior. I deserve to be worshipped because I’m totally awesome. (Which I am. I mean, duh.) My slaves (I’m really getting into it now…) are there to serve me, to meet my every desire and be used exactly how I want.

Except that really, the serving often tends to involve the pee pee. Doesn’t it? 

How do men generally offer to serve me? By allowing me the generous use of their tongues and their penises….more often tongues because why would I even lower myself to actually want a  fucking?

And the use often also involves me DOING things to the “sub.” I’ll do anything for you, Mistress, really means…what things are you going to do to my pee pee, Mistress? I don’t want to think about anything, Mistress. I don’t have an imagination. I want to be a passive object, and not in a hot way but in a way where I don’t have to do any work and you have to do all the work but isn’t this hot for you because you get to totally use me and I serve you and I’ll do ANYTHING for you, Mistress, except take some actual initiative.

I’m going to stop calling it a pee pee now. That was getting weird.

So, hold on.  This is where I say #notallsubs. My kinky partner is not like this.  He treats me like a beloved human being and not a fetish dispenser. And if there are times when I’m like, “You know, I am just not feeling kinky right now,” he understands. And if I say, “I want you to make some decisions,” he makes decisions. I am not accusing all subby guys and bottoms of being like this. I think it tends to be men who have a lot of exposure to femdom in fantasy and not much exposure to femdom in reality.

But I do think that this is where things go sideways in a lot of relationships where you have one person, usually the guy, pushing for kink, and the other person, usually the woman, not very interested. Because although the guy is SAYING, “I want to serve you,” what is really coming across is, “What can you do for me? What can you do to me?”

If you’re with a naturally kinky woman like me who is a reaction junkie and gets off on hearing guys whimper and moan, that’s not a bad proposition. I’m like—sweet—I’m going to edge and deny you and whisper dirty things in your ear and not let you come, and that’s going to turn me on if you make good noises for me.

But even I would start to get annoyed if I felt like everything was all about servicing someone else’s kink. Especially if it didn’t do much for me. And even I have gone through periods where being kinky felt like work. I can’t remember the last time I really planned out a scene…like start to finish with a plan. That kind of thing takes effort. The last thing I want to hear is, “You have total control, goddess. You can do ANYTHING to me.” Because what I hear in that statement is…well, this is going to be a lot of WORK.

Doing the phone sex is different. Because people are paying me for a service. So, while I would certainly rather a guy specifically tell me, I like to fantasize about naked oil wrestling in a baby pool while a woman in a wedding dress swaddles me in the folds of her voluminous fabric, I really cannot complain when someone says they’ll do “anything” for me. Yes, that makes it feel more like work, but it IS work.   

But in a relationship, I don’t want my kink to feel like work.  I don’t need to feel served all the time either, or even really ever. Not all dominant or toppy women are that into service. Ideally, it would be 50/50, but if you’re in a relationship with a vanilla woman and you are hoping to get her interested in the idea of kinky play, the very last thing you want to make her feel is that this is going to be more work. Instead, make her feel like it’s about her! And not just like in the I’ll give you the honor of sitting on my face kind of way.  No. Not unless she has expressed a real desire for some face sitting. I mean in the kind of way that really pleases HER as an individual.

My Boyfriend Told Me He’s Into Femdom, But I Don’t Know What to Do? Help!

Hmm. What does one do to a sub with some celery, spam and 8 chestnuts? I also like that this is labeled “Bored trendy woman with celery sitting at a table in a kitchen.” Photo by Inna Lykasevuch from Pexels

Hello, my darling deviants!

I have had a very relaxing weekend filled with cozy fireplaces, books, movies, chicken soup and ruined orgasms. Such is the glamorous life of a gentle femdom smut writer!

And I am getting so addicted to seeing my stats rise on my Google analytics. Is that a fetish?

Into: Google Analytics (Receiving)

So, as much as I am honestly not feeling suuuupppper sexy at the moment…Monday morning, blahs….I  must feed the Google monster!

Therefore, I shall be saving the smut for later in the week. There will be more! Don’t you worry.

As for now, I want to write about a question I see over and over and over again on femdom forums. It generally looks something like this.

Hello Dear Femdoms of the Internets! I have a problem. My boyfriend/husband/nesting partner/alien I’m having an affair with who lives in the studio over my garage has just told me he’s into femdom! HALP! I think this actually sounds kind of interesting, but I don’t know what to do! He says he wants me to take control, but I don’t know what that means or how to do it. Can you give me a list of thirty things to do to him, but only the ones he likes?

Now, I am not an expert on femdom. I merely play one on the internet. So, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I have experience from the experiences I have had and conversations I have had with other women and men and books I have read (and I have read quite a few) and classes I have taken with more experienced dommes.

But here is what I see as the essential problem with this question.

It is great that your partner has felt safe enough to come out to about his desires. And it is also great that you too were intrigued and thought—hey, this could be kind of fun!

But there are many different ways to interpret this kind of request, and the person making it may not have even thought the request through himself.

Some possibilities…

  1. I watched some femdom porn, and I thought, wouldn’t it be hot if my girlfriend got all sexed up for me in a corset and boots and spanked my ass a little and then threw me down on the bed and had her way with me!
  2. I have a very specific fetish that involves feet, but I felt kind of weird about telling my girlfriend that so I led with this very general statement but what I really want is her feet in my mouth. Give me all the feet!
  3. I have a notion that femdom would be fun, but I don’t really know what means and I don’t want to do any work, so maybe she will. That’s what femdom is. Right? She does all the work?
  4. I want to worship this woman entirely and I don’t want her to do anything, and I just want to give her endless massages and make her dinner every night and always take out the trash. (Where is this man and why doesn’t he live in my house?)
  5. I want my girlfriend to have total power over me and make me do things, especially things I don’t want to do, but only because she likes making me do those things. But I don’t want to do the stuff I like. Just the stuff she likes. Unless she likes that I don’t like it.

I think I’m intentionally being a little mean here. I’m just pulling out all the stereotypes for fun.

Essentially, though, when a question like this comes along, my first thought is, “Why aren’t you communicating?”

And actually, I think I KNOW why.

Because the illusion is that since you are a femdom, you are supposed to just do what you want to do. It’s supposed to be all about you and what you want and nothing about what the guy wants.

But that is a fantasy.

I’m not saying it’s always a fantasy. But if you are in any relationship with anyone you care about and you are not a psychopath, you care about their needs and likes and wants and desires.

If, for example, I am really into pegging. It just does it for me. But my partner gets nothing out of it, maybe even dislikes it or it hurts him, I don’t want to do that with him. It doesn’t matter to me if I like it. Knowing that he doesn’t, makes it very un-fun for me.

There are people who would disagree with this. A masochist who gets off on doing things he doesn’t like to please a sadist who likes hurting people could get into a dynamic like that. But I do think they are in the minority. AND I still think any ethical sadist would be very careful about not creating long term harm to her partner.

There are also lots of women who might say, “Great. If we’re just going to do what I want to do, I want to have vanilla sex and watch some tv and cuddle and go to sleep.” But that isn’t what the submissive guy wants, because he was probably getting that anyway. He probably doesn’t JUST want his girlfriend to have control, he wants to KNOW she does and he wants her to KNOW she does and like it and for it be a kind of sexy thing between them.

If you are a woman who has never really thought about controlling a man before, or even one who has had some fantasies about it but hasn’t done it, it’s very intimidating. Because as much as you want to please yourself, you also want to please your partner, which gets really weird when the whole idea is supposed to be about pleasing yourself.

Most women aren’t brought up to think about making their needs more important than the needs of their loved ones. And I would also argue that most people are taught that doing that would make you a selfish—and therefore bad—lover.

And past that, good sex and/or good kink is dependent on chemistry and mutual enjoyment. To tell someone, “I want you to have control over me,” but give them no framework for that control makes it difficult for anyone to end up happy.

I think some people (I have been one of them) think that telling the person what you want them to do spoils it or makes you seem rude (see topping from the bottom). But it is alternatively rude and crazy making to tell someone you want them to have power over you but have no clear cut discussions about what that means and what both of you think could be enjoyable about that.

In short-the answer to the question is:

Talk about it.

Talk about what you think sounds exciting and what he thinks sounds exciting.

Share fantasies.

Use porn.

Use the internet to show each other things that you think you would want to try or things that you definitely would not want to try.

Then when you’re done—talk more.

Preferably naked.

The Relative Importance of Honorifics in Gentle Femdom: And Why It’s Creepy to Call a Woman You Don’t Know Your Mistress

–Sometimes this seems like every subby dude online. Don’t be this dude.

Mistress. Ma’am. Domina. Goddess. Miss. My Lady. Teacher.

What am I leaving out? Ghostbustress? Kingmaker? FliyngDutchwoman!

Honorifics tend to be popular in kink. It makes sense. Most BDSM is predicated on the idea of some kind of power exchange, and most of us have grown up using honorifics to show deference and sometimes devotion to people in our lives who have some kind of power over us, whether it’s simply respect due to age and experience or actual power in the form of a boss, teacher or coach.

So, it seems natural that for those of us inclined to enjoying femdom power exchange sexually and/or in our kinky or romantic relationships, we would gravitate toward using those honorifics as part of a scene or a relationship.

Honestly, I never thought I would really care about honorifics. And I still wouldn’t say it’s something really important to me. I don’t have fantasies about hordes of gorgeous men all calling me Goddess—not that it sounds so bad when I put it like that. (Now I’ve gotten a whole gladiator fantasy going on in my head.)

Russell Crowe Gladiator GIF by MOODMAN - Find & Share on GIPHY

But my partner’s enjoyment in using honorifics to refer to me is something I’ve grown to love in our relationship. It means something to me because it means something to him. It’s a way that he frames our relationship, or at least the kinky part of our relationship, and I notice that especially when he’s been in chastity for a number of days and is getting more and more frustrated, he tends to use them more often.

And I think I’ve waxed poetic here many times about my love of desperation. Right?  I DO SO LOVE desperation!

The two he most often uses for me are Ma’am and Instructor. I have to admit that the Ma’am was a little harder for me to accept because I still smart at moving from Miss to Ma’am territory, as a woman of a certain age. But he seemed to really love calling me Ma’am, even though he said he would stop if I didn’t like it, and I thought it was cute. So, I let him. And now I’ve grown quite used to it, and I find it charming.

Powerpuff Girls Teacher GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

The other honorific he often uses for me is Instructor, which I think also says something about our relationship, and also some of our mutual kinks. A teacher can be strict, but she wants the best for you. She wants to see you improve and strive for perfection, so you will grow. I guess we can take that figuratively and literally. Since I’m into gentle femdom, I do tend to think of myself as being in a teacherly kind of role where even when punishment or embarrassment is handed out, it’s done lovingly and sweetly.

One time I even bought a roll of gold star stickers and affixed them all over his body. Good times!

Gold Star Animation GIF by DragonBox  - Find & Share on GIPHY

It’s up to you in your own relationships whether you want to use honorifics or not. I would tell submissive men to listen to their partners about their preferences regarding this.

One of the silliest things I experience online is men approaching me calling me Mistress or Goddess when they don’t even know me. There can’t be a surer sign that someone is not living in reality and not thinking of me like an actual living, breathing human being and not a fetish dispenser on two legs.

In fact, what got me thinking about this topic was the video at the top of the page that my partner shared with me, in which a man declares over and over again to a domme he’s just met that he will do ANYTHING for her, while repeatedly calling her Mistress over and over again, no matter how times she asks him to stop.

Some toppy women and dommes will get really mad if you approach them online using honorifics when you don’t know them. (Of course, some will demand that you DO, although I have seen this a lot more with pro dommes than lifestyle dommes.)  I wouldn’t say it makes me angry when a random man calls me Mistress or Ma’am, but it is a sign to me that someone is more interested in a fantasy than a real-world relationship with me.

The reason that I’ve grown to enjoy the honorifics that my partner uses with me is probably similar to the reason that lots of people enjoy sweet nicknames with partners, in kinky or vanilla relationships. It’s a sign of our closeness and the dynamic that we have developed with each other. Without that relationship, the names don’t mean much. 

Last, I would say that, although there are certainly some common names popular in femdom relationships, you shouldn’t be afraid to go outside the handcuffs if it feels right. My partner and I also have more personal monikers (too personal to share here) that reflect our power dynamics that would seem quite vanilla to most people who heard them.

But we secretly know their real meaning—that he sees me as the one in charge, and that he likes it that way.

Finding a Domme During a Pandemic

We’re out there. 🙂

As if finding a kinky partner wasn’t hard enough before, now Coronavirus seems to have made it downright impossible for many.

This is when I’m really happy that I’m NOT currently dating. I have numerous friends, kinky and vanilla, who aren’t sure what the new “rules” are when it comes to dating and how to stay safe while looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right…or even right now.

My usual advice on BDSM forums when men ask the common question—HOW DO I FIND A DOMME??????— is either to start on Fetlife and locate some local events and GO or use some coded language on vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid. But, of course, most munches and events have been cancelled for the foreseeable future and most online dating is now truly ONLINE, moving to perhaps socially distanced dates or outdoor meals, if you really hit it off.

Still, I actually think the pandemic provides some weird benefits when it comes to dating, especially if you’re trying to find a dominant lady. A lot of female tops and dommes complain that the men they meet online move way too quickly into asking for kinky play—treating them like kink dispensers. It’s like guys forget that they’re talking to a real live human being with, I don’t know, thoughts and feelings and needs! Yes, your dream domme still gets sick like everybody else. She still gets sad. She blows her nose and get toilet paper stuck on her shoes once in a while when she leaves a public bathroom. In short, she is human!!!! She probably wants to be treated like one and not just a whip wielding fantasy babe who constantly caters to your sexual whims.

So, what does this have to do with the pandemic?

Well, you can take your time. In this time when we all need a little more hand holding, a little more comforting, this is a great opportunity to try and get to know potential partners without jumping straight into the physical. In one way, my advice hasn’t changed. I still think the most reliable ways to meet kinky people are online, whether specifically kink related websites like Fetlife or Reddit personals or open-minded vanilla websites like OK Cupid. Of course, if you can work your personal network, that’s always great. But assuming you can’t, these options allow you to be specific about what you’re looking for.

But if you had a profile on Fetlife that reads like a description of what you want a pro-domme to do to you, reconsider. Lead with who you are as a person outside of kink. Maybe write some journal articles that give people insight into how you think. Post pictures that aren’t of your penis (but you knew that already-right).

Reach out to women on Fet who seem interesting and say they are looking. But don’t be surprised or angry if they don’t write back. It happens. But try upping your verbal game a little. Actually read their profiles. See if you have anything in common. Consider if you would like this person if she didn’t label herself a domme. Thinking about her as a person beyond fetishes will take you far.

And if she expresses interest, take it slow. You’ve got time! Get to know each other over texting, maybe a Zoom or two. Keep too much kink out of it. After all, what’s the rush? If you make a connection, you can take it offline. But Coronavirus actually forces us to communicate more verbally and be more picky about who we engage with in a physical space. And although that may seem counterintuitive to finding a domme, it’s not. Because far too many submissive men look for a domme instead of a specific woman. And now you can change that.

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The Foolproof Way to Catch a Gentle Femdom: Hint. Remember She’s a Woman First.

dominant woman with crop on feet

Since the name of my blog is The Gentle Domme, it’s likely that part of the reason you’re here is because you want a specific kind of femdom, a gentle femdom. You want a woman who can take control, but do it sweetly and make it clear that she loves and adores you, despite what “torture” she might inflict upon your naughty bits.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

There is no official test to identify someone as a femdomme or a gentle femdomme or a mean femdomme or even a dragon femdomme (except that maybe the fire breathing, scales, wings and love for hoarding gold could be a tip off). You can identify however you want, and it’s really up to people within each and every relationship to negotiate their own dynamics.

But for the sake of this blog, we’re going to define gentle femdom as femdom lite. There is more kissing and praising, less beating and name calling, more tender embarrassment, less degradation and humiliation, more teasing and honor chastity play, less CBT and cock cages that chafe.

The good thing about wanting a gentle femdom is that I believe they are relatively easy to find, if you let go of some preconceived notions about what you are looking for and where to look for it.

The first place people in a “niche market” think to go these days to find a partner is online. And if you’re into kink, the default website is Fetlife. Fetlife isn’t technically a dating site. It’s not organized like one. It’s more like kinky Facebook. There’s no harm in starting your search there. But remember that it will be easier to decide if you actually like someone and if they actually like you if you meet in person. So, do try to get away from the computer and use Fetlife to check out local events in your area.

When perusing Fetlife for potential partners, I would avoid profiles like Mistress_Goddess_Cockkiller888 who define themselves by what they like to do to men and have a harsh tone in their writing. Instead, consider women who don’t even label themselves as dommes. Look for tops, switches, kinksters, even women who say they are exploring and talk about who they are as people and what they are looking for outside of just kink.

When men go “domme hunting,” they think they are looking for someone who has her sexuality all figured out. But sexuality is fluid, and many younger women don’t even find their top sides until they gain some age, confidence and maturity. In short, don’t rule out women because they aren’t fitting a stereotypical image of a domme. They might not even know they are dommes yet, even though they are interested.  If you read a little deeper into a lot of women’s profiles, you’ll see that many bottoms also like to top, that many switches are into the idea of some F/m D/s but haven’t had the chance to really explore it yet.

I give this same advice for using vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid or even meeting women in person, through friends. The great thing about gentle femdom is that what turns a lot of women off from the idea of femdomme is a fear of being mean. Women are socialized to not be bossy, to not assert themselves to the detriment of someone else’s feelings.

But gentle femdom isn’t mean—usually—at least when you start out. 😉 It’s quite nurturing. Women are definitely socialized to be nurturing. So, if you find a sexually adventurous woman who isn’t too hung up on ideas about stereotypical and harmful beliefs regarding male strength and weakness, there’s a good chance she will at least give topping a man she likes a try.

That doesn’t mean she will discover she’s into it, or into it all the time.  And it doesn’t mean that she will necessarily want a full-time D/s relationship. But there are more women than most submissive men think who would be open to kinky play and power exchange in a relationship. They just get so hung up on finding a woman who looks like the women they’ve seen in porn or in fantasies, maybe partially because they are nervous and new and think that kind of women will know what to do, that they become sort of domme-blind to the women who might be their dream gentle dommes in a loving, playful relationship.

Yes. One on hand, if you’re both new or unsure, it will take a little time to find your groove as a couple. But, on the hand, you get to learn together what you both like and dislike. It’s a journey you take together. Essentially, my advice boils down to this. Dommes are women first, dommes second, or third or fourth, depending on their priorities. Especially when you’re looking for a gentle femdom, which usually involves relatively light play and loving relationship dynamics, don’t rule out women who don’t look or act like a stereotypical domme. If they are open and you have chemistry, there’s a good chance your relationship could bring out her domme side, benefitting you

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The In-Depth Guide to Finding a Femdomme in the Wild: Part Two

dominant woman foot worship

In part one of this article we discussed the myth that dominant women are a rare as Targaryen dragons and talked about the kinds of women you might encounter when you’re looking for a female dominant, from women who will never be into being dominant ever to women who want a complete female led relationship. We also touched on how certain kinks could make it tougher to find a partner.

In this article, let’s get more practical about the search itself. And let’s work from easy to hard.

If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult. Yes, there will still be women who will want nothing to do with your kinks. But it’s likely that if you just date regularly and choose women who seem open-minded, a fair number of them will be game for being sexually adventurous with you.

If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult.

That doesn’t mean that you will get what you want all the time. All relationships require compromise. If you date a somewhat vanilla woman, she may still want vanilla sex some of the time. If you date a kinky switch, she might want you to take control some of the time, which could be challenging if you don’t feel you can do that. But if you date widely and are appropriately honest about your kinks, it’s almost as likely as anyone that you’ll find the femdomme love of your life…or at least the sometime femdomme love of your life.

And what does “appropriately honest” mean? It means that if you meet someone through OKCupid, you might put a few hints in your profile, such as, “I like assertive women,” or, “I like women who can take control.” If you really want to be brave, you can simply say that you’re into being submissive. You might turn off some women but be catnip to the ones you want to find you!

But once you’re out on a date with someone, don’t lead with your kinks. No one wants to feel like a fetish dispenser. See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM. If you do, be fairly straightforward before things get too hot and heavy and gauge her reaction. If she seems open or even excited, press on. If not, take stock of the situation and reconsider if this woman will be right for you. But be aware that no matter how excited she seems, unless she tells you flat out, “I’m really into being dominant with men, and that’s all I want,” she will be a human being with varied desires. Remember to treat her like one.

See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM.

Honestly, you can meet these kinds of women anywhere you would meet any other kinds of women. As long as they don’t have a lot of sexual hang ups or very preconceived notions about femininity and masculinity, which, to be fair, a good number of people do have, there’s a decent shot that they would be open to some femdom fun, at least part of the time.

Another obvious place to meet women into femdom is on Fetlife, which is basically Facebook for kinksters. People on Fetlife will go out of their way to tell you that it ISN’T a dating site. And it’s true that it’s not built that way and dominant women do get a lot of rude and boring messages in their inboxes from men who seem to forget they’re talking to actual people. But you can use Fetlife effectively to meet dominant women. (Another resource is CollarMe, which isn’t quite as robust as Fetlife but is designed to be a dating site for kinksters.)

The best way is by going to local events in your area. The most low key of these events will be munches or happy hours, groups of kinksters who have lunch or dinner or drinks together at restaurants or bars. Check the list of who might be going. See anyone who looks interesting? Get off the computer and go. It can seem daunting to attend a munch your first time or two, but these are vanilla events. No one expects anything of you except to show up and be polite and pay your tab.  Even if you don’t see a hot domme on the list, it could still be worth it to go. You might meet someone who knows someone they think you would be perfect for.

Another possible way to meet dommes on Fetlife is by writing polite and well-thought out messages to women who seem interesting. The stress here is on polite and well-thought out. Women who announce themselves as dominant on Fetlife DO get a lot of messages. But most of them show very little thought or creativity. If you create a smart profile for yourself that showcases who you are as an entire person and not just a collection of kinks and take the time to read someone’s profile and message them in a nice way, there’s a good shot they will at least be polite back. That’s about all you can expect when dealing with strangers. But there have definitely been F/m couples who met through Fetlife messaging.

Reading someone’s profile can also help you understand if you are looking for the same thing, which can be especially important if you like to play in the deeper end of the pool or have any kinks that can be a turnoff to a fair number of people, like watersports. If you’re looking for a bedroom only dynamic and you approach a woman looking for an FLR (female led relationship), that’s not going to be the best fit. If you’re really into dressing like a sissy and a woman says she isn’t into sissy play, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. On the other hand, maybe you’ll find a woman who LOVES sissies! Even so, don’t forget in your excitement that she is a fully formed human being who doesn’t think about sissies all the time. And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.

And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.

Last, do remember that some women on Fetlife are pro-dommes. This means they charge money for their services, at least some of the time. (Some pro-dommes also have relationships outside of their work.) Often, they will announce this, but some might not. There’s nothing wrong with being a pro-domme or using a pro-domme’s services. But just be aware that there is a difference between a pro-domme, who charges money, and a lifestyle domme, who doesn’t. It might feel disappointing if you think you’ve found the love of your life, but she only sees you as a client.

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