In the second part of this three-article series about setting up your first femdom scene, I talked about magic blindfolds, the importance of aftercare and discovering your domme archetype. Let’s press on to the third and final article. I hope after you finish, you’ll feel ready to kick ass…and maybe have yours kissed too.

Another issue new femdommes or female tops might want to think about is clothing. While male tops can usually get away with looking very “domly” in a simple and comfortable black shirt and jeans, female tops sometimes feel like they need to look the “part,” in clothing that’s tight and seductive, like latex or PVC or sky high boots and chokers. It’s totally fine if you want to dress like a stereotypical dominatrix. If it makes you feel hot and authoritative, go for it! In fact, some women see this kind of clothing as armor that puts them in domme mode where they can leave their everyday personas behind and just be the bad bitch they always wanted to be.

You aren’t required to dress like a femdomme porn star.  You aren’t required to dress in any particular way. It doesn’t make you more or less of a top or a domme if you play in sweatpants rather than leather pants.

However, do remember that often this kind of clothing is painfully uncomfortable or ungainly. Yes. Five inch spiked heels are sexy. But it’s a rare woman who hasn’t spent some time around the stripper pole who can navigate them easily without spraining an ankle. Just remember that while you probably want to look and feel hot, you also don’t want to fall on or injure your bottom or realize that you can’t actually bend over to tie or untie him in a too tight corset. And you aren’t required to dress like a femdomme porn star.  You aren’t required to dress in any particular way. It doesn’t make you more or less of a top or a domme if you play in sweatpants rather than leather pants.

Personally, when I started out in the Scene, I went all out on the hot domme clothing. And the submissive guys loved it. (So did the dominant guys!) I got lots of attention. But I soon realized that actually playing (code for doing kinky things) in my hot domme clothes literally made me a HOT domme. I was sweating all over the place. And, although intellectually my sexy boots made me feel like a princess warrior, they physically made my feet hurt and made me prone to tripping at inopportune times.

I do still break out my sexy domme clothes now and again, but they are mostly for show these days, when I attend an S&M party—otherwise known as “Stand and Model” party or worn as a treat for my partner before we get down to play, when I’ll usually kick off the boots and unlace the corset and play in a tank top and booty shorts.

Now, that we’re wrapping up, and I’ve dispensed my knowledge about making your first scene exciting and hot and completely not weird and with no one crying in the bathroom, I’ll end by giving you a few ideas for beginner scenes. These are things that I think are easy to do with most male bottoms. Some of them are sexual. So, it’s up to you if you want to go in that direction or not. In fact, I think the easiest way to dominate men is with sexy play, and I lean toward a lot of sexual play, myself. But not everyone mixes kink and sex—important to note.

1. Impact scenes. The simplest form of this is bare handed, bare bottom spanking. You don’t need much to make this happen, just your hand and a cute tushy that wants some slapping. The great thing about spanking for new tops is that you can feel exactly how hard you’re hitting and where. If you want to graduate to a slightly more complex form of impact play, use toys. I like a good crop. Some people like paddles. Others like flogging. Bottoms tend to have preferences between stingy and thuddy. Start slow and warm up. Check in with your bottom to see what level they’re at in term of pain or enjoyment. There are places that it’s okay to hit and places you shouldn’t!
2. Tease and denial. I’m going to admit that this is my favorite kind of scene. I live for edging, bringing men to the brink of ecstasy and then pulling back until they are literally begging me to come. And then I can decide if I’m going to let them or not. I like this kind of scene because I enjoy having sexual power over men and it’s fundamentally not dangerous, except for the risk of blue balls. You can sometimes go too far and send a man over the edge before you mean to, especially if he’s not being honest about his arousal level. If you feel really confident and your bottom is up for it, you can try for a ruined orgasm. This means he will ejaculate but not feel the pleasure of orgasm. For some men, this will keep them erect and even hornier, and you can do it again and again and…well….let’s not be toooo greedy.
3. Objectification play. Make him stand naked at attention for you. Tell him to turn around and bend over because you want to inspect every inch of him. Have him crawl on the floor at your feet for your amusement and reward him by giving him the honor of rubbing your feet or sucking on your toes (assuming he’s into feet). You can mix this in with service. Have him cook you dinner naked, while you relax with a glass of wine on the couch. Meander over by the stove to give him a few swats with a spatula and tell him if he’s going a good job or if he needs to improve his technique. If you feel like it and he’s into it, you can even bend him over the kitchen counter and have your way with him. 

So, that’s that! This is my advice for new dommes and female tops just starting out with their first scenes or two. I know it can seem intimidating, even when you’re excited and want to try some kinky femdom play. But if you’re playing with a kind and enthusiastic partner—and if you’re not—why aren’t you—it won’t be long before you can write an article like this and show me up with your fabulous femdommey ideas.

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In the first part of this three-part series about setting up your first femdom scene, I discussed my first scene and how nervous I felt about living up to my bottom’s expectations. I also talked about negotiation and consent and the importance of communication with your partner.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I heard from multiple sources was to remember the power of the blindfold. Ah, this simple piece of fabric is so magical for first time dommes!

Why? Because when you put a blindfold on your bottom, he can’t see what you’re doing!  You aren’t fiddling around like an idiot trying to tie a basic rope knot or undo a pair of handcuffs. No! You are intentionally building tension by taking your time and letting him stew in his own juices about what evil things you’ve got planned for him! A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing. It increases the power of his other senses, which is fun for him, and it takes stress off you, which should make the experience more enjoyable for you as well.

A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing.

I’d also like to take this time to point out that you should be having fun! In those first few scenes I did, I’m not sure how much fun I really had. Yes, it was novel and exciting, but I was so concerned about how my partner perceived me, it was difficult for me to relax and enjoy the feelings of power and control—largely because I felt like a bit of an imposter. I knew I wanted to feel powerful and in control, but I lacked confidence. It’s kind of a chicken and the egg problem. How do you feel powerful and confident when you don’t actually know what you’re doing? You have to fake it until you make it and be willing to risk making a few mistakes (hopefully not dangerous ones if you are communicating well) or looking silly. A kind, competent scene partner goes a long way in allowing that to happen without hurt feelings or the bad kind of embarrassment.

In my current kinky relationship, I rarely “scene” anymore, in the sense of a specific encounter. Instead, kink and BDSM are weaved into the entire relationship dynamic. So, I never feel like I have to put on any act. Overall, I feel it’s more enjoyable FOR ME. I feel like I’m just myself, unless we’re doing some role play. Lots of people in kinky relationships still enjoy planning out scenes, though.

But you have to start somewhere. So, some people will suggest finding a domme archetype with which you identify. These are typically common femdom role plays like a strict governess or nurturing mommy figure or evil queen or benevolent goddess or spoiled princess. Think of a powerful kind of female figure—maybe one you’ve known in real life or someone from a book or tv show or movie, one who makes you feel like you’re strong and sexy, and consider how she would run your scene. What would she say? How would she act? Would she be cold and calculating or sweet and flirty? 

In those first scenes I did I went so far as to write out short stories that basically described what I wanted to do line by line. I did that because I needed to feel confident about my abilities. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going that far unless you just like writing dirty stories (which I do), but I would think out the time period you have to work with and have a general understanding of what might happen when, especially if you’re limited by time.

I think my biggest fear wasn’t that I would run out of time but that I wouldn’t know how to fill all of it up. But the truth was that when I was actually in the scene, I found that I naturally responded to my partner’s reactions and timing wasn’t an issue.

And if your scene does end early, that’s also okay. Do what feels natural in the moment. If it stops being enjoyable or seems like its reached its natural conclusion, it’s okay to stop and either regroup and decide to play in another way or cuddle or watch a tv show and get something to eat, or just leave.

Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards.

Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards, especially if their body is bruised because of impact play or if you’ve done any kind of humiliation play that might leave them feeling vulnerable.

For some people this can be hugging and snuggling, for others receiving praise or being wrapped in a blanket and given something to drink. Some people are experienced enough that they know what they need after a scene, but newer people might not. So check in with your bottom before, during and after.

People in the Scene talk a lot about aftercare regarding bottoms and submissives, but sometimes tops need aftercare too. If you dole out some impact play and bruise your partner, how are you going to feel after that? Some tops might feel guilty and need reassurance that the bottom really enjoyed themselves and doesn’t think the top is a bad person.

Some people even consider sex a part of aftercare. If you get turned on by topping, are you going to want sex or an orgasm afterwards? Is your bottom? Don’t just assume that will happen. Talk about possibilities beforehand so you aren’t surprised and let down if your bottom never assumed sex was on the table or assumed it was when you weren’t planning on it going there.

 Whew! There’s more where this came from! Look out for the last article in this three-part series about topping for the first time. I’ll cover topics like dressing for the part, whatever that means, and give you a few specific scene suggestions for beginners to get you going!

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I remember it clearly. Here was this man I was very into. He wasn’t my submissive. We were just getting to know each other. But we’d made out, quite passionately I might add. We’d had a little light play at a kink event in public. And we agreed that we were going to meet up at his place and do a scene.

If you’re a newbie to kink and you have no idea what that word means, don’t worry. A scene is just a time during which you do kinky things with another person, or persons. In a way, it’s like a scene in a play, which is where the word probably comes from. However, you don’t have to act like another person during a kink scene—although you certainly can and lots of people do. A scene can be as simple as a spanking or as complex as premeditated group consensual non-consent gangbang/predicament play.

So, this man and I agreed we were going to do a scene, and I was going to top him. I was very excited! There was just one problem. I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

It didn’t help that he was an experienced bottom, and I wasn’t. And I was too afraid to tell him that I was unsure of myself. I was supposed to be in charge. I was supposed to be confident. So, how could I tell him that I was nervous and worried I was going to be boring or do something wrong?

It’s a weird situation to feel like the one who is supposed to have all the power but not know what you’re doing.

I learned later that this is often how lots of new dommes and female tops feel when they’re playing with more experienced male partners. It’s a weird situation to feel like the one who is supposed to have all the power but not know what you’re doing. And you’re afraid to admit it because you think it might ruin the illusion that you are THE hot goddess femdomme and your bottom will be disappointed.

One lesson to take away from my plight was that I should have told him all of those things. There was no reason for me to be ashamed of not being an expert top who automatically knew how to push all of his buttons. Not only had I had limited experience with BDSM in general, I’d had limited experience with him. And he knew that. I wasn’t his first newbie top. It’s a little awkward playing with any new person, even when you feel like an experienced domme.

And every person is different.

So, the first thing to remember when you’re planning your first scene is not to be like me. Talk to your partner. Ask him what he likes and doesn’t like. Make sure you know each other’s soft and hard limits. Depending on what you think you’d like to do, talk about your physical and mental health. Are there any things you should be aware of that might be dangerous physically or mentally? Negotiation is a very important part of kink.

Vanilla people often value spontaneity in sex, which is why some people have oopsie pregnancies. Let’s not bother with condoms. Let’s be carried away by the moment!

But kinky people understand the value of plotting and organization because kink can be dangerous. It’s eroticism 2.0. You might think that talking in detail about what you want to do will take the surprise out of it. But, in reality, talking about how you’re going to demolish someone can be very stimulating!

Also, you don’t generally want to surprise a new partner unless they know you’re going to surprise them, because what if your surprise turns out to be that you brought a flogger and your bottom had a terrible experience with flogging and absolutely hates it. Or what if your partner has a nickel allergy, and your vampire gloves make him break out in hives. If he’s aware of those things, he should tell you beforehand. But until you know someone well, you want to talk openly about potential scene ideas so no one suffers from an unpleasant or dangerous accident.

But until you know someone well, you want to talk openly about potential scene ideas so no one suffers from an unpleasant or dangerous accident.

Okay, so back to the subby guy I was going to be scening with for the first time! Eventually, we did get to negotiations and discussing some things we were curious to try with one another, mostly because he suggested it. And I had an idea of some things he was interested in and some things that I was interested in, and we did discuss limits and safe words and consent. All of the super important stuff that seems like it’s going to be boring, but can actually be kind of hot if you work it in with fantasies and some sexy talk.

But even when I decided on a basic idea of what we might like to do, which in this case was some bondage with handcuffs, some impact play and some tease and denial, as the date got closer and closer, I became more and more nervous about how I was going to do all of these things and how I was going to look smooth doing them. It’s one thing to list out actions and items. Bondage, check. Paddling, check. Edging, check. It’s entirely another thing to weave it all together in a way that seems natural and sexy.

So, I did what I do best, which is research. I took to Amazon and bought some femdom books and Googled femdom articles, like you might have done to get here, and browsed femdom forums for “first scene” ideas. And I would actually recommend that for you too if you’re nervous. I mean, keep reading my article, please! Don’t just abandon me! But lots of dommes discuss first scene jitters, and I learned a lot of helpful tips from nosing around and taking some tips from women who had also faced my fears.

There’s so much to cover! Stick with me and look for my next article about setting up your first scene in which I’ll discuss topics like finding your domme archetype, sketching out a scene and the importance of just having fun. It’s not called play for nothing!

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