Cuckolding. A Pleasure For Her? Or For Him?

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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

A lot of men on Niteflirt call me to talk about cuckolding.

I would say that this might be the number one kink I talk about, although it’s often combined with other kinks, like chastity, small penis humiliation and sissy play.

For some people, it’s totally about the humiliation of feeling “not good enough.” For others, it’s more about seeing their partners enjoy themselves.

(Is this cuckolding? It depends. Some people define it that way, although I think cuckolding generally has an element of humiliation in it. Lots of people like watching their partners have sex with other people and DON’T find it demeaning.)

I like talking about cuckolding to men over the phone, although I don’t do it in my personal life. It’s exciting as fantasy. I enjoy giving playful humiliation. I get excellent reactions from it, and it lends itself to all kinds of other erotic embarrassment fantasies.

Then I had an interesting conversation with a man who asked me if I thought ALL women would secretly want to have cuckolds as husbands.

I’m pretty sure he thought it was a rhetorical question.

But I said, most certainly not. He was surprised.

He asked, “What woman wouldn’t want the option to go have sex with lots of men?”

First, well…lots wouldn’t want to do that just because they are happily monogamous. Not all women crave sexual variety in their partners.

But even the ones that would be interested in having sex with other men…well…my internet friend was missing something important.

I think cuckolding is really a fantasy about the person BEING cuckolded.

Sure. I’m know there are lots of women who are non-monogamous. But I’d wager a bet that the majority of those women are non-mono because:

  1. They want some novelty. (Perhaps want multiple relationships or experiences) Or…
  2. It’s something that spices up their relationship.

You could argue that cuckolding falls under number two of my very short list. And it might. And I’ll bet that for most women into cuckolding, this is a big part of it for them. I’d love to hear from some actual women who are into cuckolding, because I personally don’t know any. And I know a lot of kinky women…if they ARE into cuckolding, they haven’t told me they are or it’s never come up!

But for the number ones in my small list, having sex with someone else would be something they did for THEMSELVES. They wouldn’t likely want to go have sex with another person and then have to tell their partners about in detail for their excitement. Or even perhaps bring men home for an audience. Not only might that feel oppressive, it might also feel non-consensual in a variety of ways.

Cuckolding doesn’t require that. You could certainly have a cuckolding relationship in which the woman got to do whatever she likes without any responsibility to tell her partner about her outside activities.

But I’ve talked to very few men with cuckolding fantasies who I think would be truly happy with that arrangement. Because they get off on the humiliation and knowing about her “indiscretions.” Just having sex with other people and NOT rubbing it in his face is kind of the equivalent of chastity where a guy’s cock is totally neutrally ignored.

And I think this is what the guy I was talking to didn’t understand. Yes. If you cuckold your partner, you get some sexual freedom you might not otherwise have. But you are also probably doing it because it’s a kink for your partner. He’s likely going to want to know what happened.

Maybe it’s a kink for the woman too. Like I said, there are plenty of people who like to fuck outside their relationships consensually, whether by themselves or as couples. But then within that group, you’re looking for a smaller subset of women who enjoy doing that and talking about it because they find humiliation hot.

I know they exist. But are they any kind of majority of women? No. I don’t think so. If they were, I don’t think so many men would be calling me to talk about it!

As for why I’m not interested in cuckolding, it’s twofold. One, I’m very picky (whether I should be or not) and don’t meet a lot of men with whom I want to have sex. Two, I don’t want to humiliate someone I love. It’s not something I eroticize. I do actually have cuckquean fantasies, which is the reverse of cuckolding, but I know myself well enough to know that those desires need to stay in the fantasy realm because I am not emotionally equipped to handle the reality.

If you’re a woman and you ARE into cuckolding, I would love to hear your opinions about what you enjoy about it, and if you think I’m getting it wrong. Theoretically, I talk to lots of men who say they enjoy it, but whether they enjoy it in reality or in their fantasies is really something that only they know. 😉

Haus Zuk: Cheeky Undies That Made Me Bite My Lower Lip

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Haus Zuk

Ooof. I was perving Twitter, and I happened to come across these undies for…well…for EVERYONE, because the company, Haus Zuk, is queer/trans/non-binary/LBGTQ+ friendly.

And, OH MY LORD! Are these delicious or what?

So, I do like men in panties, but I think part of what I like about men in panties so much is that men just generally aren’t afforded the same number of style options, especially when it comes to undergarments.

When I see undies like these. So sexy. So playful. So…dare I say…cheeky? LOL. It makes me realize that my interest in men in panties is narrow minded, simply because men have too few options for looking and feeling sexy!

I get that not everyone might vibe with these styles of undies, but man would I love to see more variety for men—especially variety targeted at straight men that shows off their goodies.

These are obviously targeted at gay men. Bears. PrEP. I did love the Candy Hearts print, but I don’t exactly vibe with some of those kinks.

I would love to see some prints a little more targeted as a straight-ish, kinky audience. Not that I’m not eyeing that Lumberfuck print or the “Pink Homoflage!”

This could definitely be an impulse buy for me…heavy on the IMPULSE.

I’m just going to leave you with their runway show.

Episode 1 of The Gentle Dommecast: Introductions, Orgasm Control and Pain Play

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Ha ha! After much bribery, I roped my partner, dubbed “The Rough Subbe,” into doing a femdom podcast with me! Here is Episode 1, in which we discuss who we are, starting a podcast, orgasm control (my favorite) and the role of pain play in femdom.

I had way too much fun doing this, so you can expect more, whether you like it it or not.

The Internet Is a Sewer

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Is this a sewer? It is just a pipe spewing water? Eh…you get the idea.

This is going to be both a rant and just my random opinion that you can feel free to disregard.

In fact, you can always feel free to disregard my opinions, except that the Hamilton soundtrack can indeed be enjoyed over 500 times without getting sick of it and that people who talk in movie theaters…sigh…remember those….are evil and must never be allowed back.

But the internet is a sewer.

Now, we all know this. Why do I need to tell you this? Everyone except maybe your grandma and Qanon uncle knows this. And why would I be talking about this in relation to kink/BDSM?

Because I’ve seen and talked to numerous people lately who are looking for partners on the internet.

People, the internet is a SEWER! I just cannot repeat this enough.

Am I posting on the internet? Yes. Am I posting in the sewer? Yes.

But I will say that I have an actual website that took time (so much time) to create and maintain. I have a social media presence. I produce a lot of content.

I also don’t pretend that I want to be your kinky girlfriend. Why? Because I don’t try to get in relationships with people I meet only exclusively online! (I did meet my boyfriend online. But we pretty quickly transitioned to talking on the phone and then meeting in person.)

Somehow, call me crazy, I don’t believe that the guys on Reddit who tell me repeatedly that they love my audio recordings and will “do anything” for me will really DO ANYTHING for me, unless that anything is jerking off to my voice.

And if a random too good to be true shows up in your inbox out of nowhere, she or he or they are also likely to be too good to be true—unless there’s a specific reason they found you, contacted you, etc…

Now, I should clarify that I think some parts of the internets are more…stinky… than others. I do encourage people interested in kink to get on Fetlife because it is the biggest only meeting place for that, AND because it’s a place where you can get OUT of the sewer and find people in real life.

Then most of the rats who live in the sewer don’t want to come into the light, and you are left with people who took the time to:

–Put on pants

–Leave their house

–Engage with other human beings in person

Honestly, this is a high bar for me these days. (And only swingers seem to still be having events. I know this because I get two emails a week telling me that they are, and each time I am like…really? Really?) But I digress…

Although I am old and have little experience with dating apps, I also recommend them, especially OKCupid, which is kinda kink friendly.

Or maybe Feeld, although it does seem to cater more to hookups, swingers (we know they’re still partying through a pandemic) and unicorns (see swingers…why am I being so mean to swingers today? I’m going to get so many mean responses from swingers.)

I recommend them only because this is basically the way people date these days. I think. (See: I’m old.) And they also encourage you to get out of the sewer for what is currently a cold coffee date on a patio wearing a blanket and mask.

What I do not recommend is just trying to meet people without:

–Putting on pants

–Leaving your house

–Engaging with other human beings in person

Because if someone cannot be bothered to do those three things to meet you, they are not worth meeting.

Some caveats because I know people will mention them.

Yes, we are in a pandemic. This sucks. It is much harder to meet people in person, and so some of this advice is definitely tailored to a post-pandemic world, which hopefully will arrive soon.

It is hard for some people to engage with others. I know this is real. It is way less scary to talk to people behind a screen, and I recognize this. But it is usually when we take risks that we are rewarded. Sometimes not. But you’ll never find out unless you try.  

Femdom Playlist Fun

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Today I thought I’d do a brief post about (insert Barry White voice here) sexy femdom music. This is the music I like to listen to when I play!

It’s not ALL femdom in the lyrics. Some of it just plain sexy music! But it all makes me feel powerful or seductive. And these are just a few of the songs I love. There are more. (Somewhat embarrassingly, Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body” always makes it on that playlist. LOL.)

My number one favorite femdom music that I like to listen to is an album called Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By by Lovage. My favorite song on the album is “Book of the Month.” It is just delightfully filthy with such lyrics as:

“You and me are a disease and the germs are spreading. Use me like Listerine, keeping your breath fresher. Feel the stroke of your paintbrush, my blank sheet of paper. I’m your book of the month, read the fine print later.” Mmm….I think I’m getting turned on just talking about it.

My second choice is the entire album of Air’s Moon Safari, especially the first song of the album called “Sexy Boy!” This entire album is trippy and sensual, but I do think a song devoted to sexy boys deserves a special mention.

Let’s kick it old school with Bryan Ferry’s “Slave to Love.” Anyone old enough to remember knows this was featured in the movie 9 1/2 weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger back in the 1980s. But I think it’s held up well, and I am not perturbed that the movie was M/f. No reason we can’t reverse those roles!

All of the 1993 Kate Bush album The Red Shoes is hot, but especially “The Song of Solomon.” How can I resist with lyrics like:

“Hear a woman singing. Don’t want your bullshit, yeah. Just want your sexuality. Don’t want excuses, yeah. Write me your poetry in motion. Write it just for me, yeah. And sign it with a kiss.”

From the musical Spring Awakening, I love “The Word of your Body.” This song is all about wanting and desire and the push and pull of that desire that causes pain.

“O, I’m gonna be wounded. O, I’m gonna be your wound. O, I’m gonna bruise you. O, you’re gonna be my bruise.” Yes, please.

And last on this list, I cannot leave out Lizzo’s “Boys!” Lizzo always makes me feel powerful and gorgeous, but this song is both adorable, sexy and fun all at the same time!

“Ay, boy, whatcha say, boy? You tryna play coy like a Gameboy? Hit my phone boy, is you home boy? Are you alone boy? Come give me dome, boy. Got a boy with degrees, a boy in the streets. A boy on his knees, he a man in the sheets.”

Passivity Is Not Hot: Why You Can and Should Be an Active Sub

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While I certainly can’t speak for all dommes and/or tops out there, I feel like I’m confident enough in this belief that I can just say it.

Passivity is not hot.

What do I mean by this? Well, first, what do I consider as being passive?

Someone who is passive allows things to happen to them. They take no initiative. They show little enthusiasm. They may be obedient, but they are not motivated. And, personally, I think passivity means that I’m going to have to do all the WORK in a dynamic.

I think at the heart of a lot of submissive desires is the need to both give up control and to please.

And I like—love—taking control. And I like being pleased. But two things I do not like are:

1. Boredom

2. Having to do all the work

There’s an ironic thing that can happen when you dom, which is that you can end up doing way more work than your sub, who is theoretically supposed to be pleasing you.

A lot of this work is fun work! It’s the work of coming up with interesting scenes and figuring out what really gets to them! And in deeper D/s relationships, perhaps even taking more control over their lives. But this is, nonetheless, work. And it can get tiring. It is especially tiring if you feel that your work isn’t being appreciated and that the other person isn’t also putting in effort.

AKA: Passivity

A domme is not there to fix your life. Or at least, I don’t think she should be. Most women aren’t looking for an adult man who isn’t functioning well on their own. And if they are, you might want to question why.

I want a partner who is an equal, even if our relationship has unequal power dynamics. I want to feel like someone is capable of saying no to me, even if they’re choosing not to.

And I definitely want to feel like they’re excited about the things we do! I want to hear them moan, whimper, sigh….see the frustration, desperation, eagerness of their face. I want them to WANT to grab me, lick me, kiss me, even if I say they can’t.

Now, this is where I think things get into more personal territory. I am sure some dommes would prefer more restrained submissives. I admit that I’m quite the reaction slut, in that I can never quite get enough of them. In fact, I LOVE being grabbed. It feels so…deliciously desperate and wanting. It just makes me want to grab back—harder.

I also welcome scene ideas from a partner. It can get tiring come up with new things to do and easy to slide into monotony. That doesn’t mean I want to feel like I’m being ordered around and treated like a kink dispenser, but I love to hear about hot ideas and possibilities. To me, that is part of being an active partner.

And that’s what I really find hot. An active partner! Someone who is as invested in our dynamic as I am. Someone who shows me his desire, his excitement. Someone who can rely on me (like I hope I can rely on them) but can also rely on themselves.

Passivity is boring. It’s not sexy.

In my opinion, it shows a lack of confidence or a lack of interest or both. And neither of those qualities exactly make me want to take out the cuffs or the flogger and do the “work” that I so love to do.

Why Submissive Men Shouldn’t Ignore Switches

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Not that kind.

I’m going to tell you a little secret. Sshhhh. It’s just between us.

I am actually a switch.

Yes. It is true! I switch! I enjoy bottoming sometimes.

I even often have erotic humiliation fantasies, where I’m the one being humiliated.

Do I act on them?

I’ve tried a few times but it hasn’t worked out well because I’m actually very controlling and have a certain idea of how I want my erotic humiliation to go. “No! That’s not the WAY I want to be called be a slutty whore! Say it like THIS!”

So, no. Not really. They are masturbatory fantasies between me and my Hitachi.

But sometimes even I, this woman writing about domination all the time, likes to feel like I am “put in my place a little.”

Is it all the time? No. It’s maybe 10% of the time. It depends on how I feel and the energy I want. But I sometimes like to bottom.

Of course, bottoming doesn’t necessarily have anything to with relationship dynamics. You can bottom and still remain entirely in charge. If I tell my partner that I want him to spank me until my ass is red and I’m crying, I’m still in charge because I want it and he’s doing it because I wanted him to do. It doesn’t make me any less or more in charge than if I’d told him I wanted to spank HIM until his ass was red and HE was crying—no matter how it might appear to others.

But I admit that when I bottom, I like to surrender a little, or at least pretend to surrender for that period of time. For me, kink is pretty psychological. So, if I’m going to sublimate myself physically, it’s the emotions and headspace that are really going to turn me on. Not just the act.

The reason I’m throwing this out there is the old ratio mythology that there are something like 20 submissive men to 1 dominant woman. This seems to have been disproved in a multitude of ways. I’m not saying it’s even. But 20 to 1? Nah. I don’t think so.

I think one factor that’s often overlooked is that people do all kinds of things in relationships that they don’t talk about. You don’t need to be publicly kinky to be kinky. If you’re a dominant woman and you meet a guy who is into it, nobody else needs to know. And kink has to be really integral to what you’re looking for if you’re a woman who ACTIVELY seeks a submissive partner.

I maintain that for a lot of women, it isn’t that integral. Or they don’t know it is at the age where they’re searching for a life partner. But that doesn’t mean they might not like it, or like it sometimes. They just might not care ENOUGH that they’re searching for someone specifically submissive or dominant or anything. They are looking for a person and not a set of kinks.

If, as a man, being submissive IS that integral to your life, a woman who is only kind of kinky or only occasionally dominant might not work for you. But I think it’s a mistake to write off women who aren’t labeling themselves—as dominant or as anything. Because if someone like me, who is writing a blog about sensual female domination, is telling you that she sometimes finds it fun to switch places and be (or pretend to be) the submissive partner, imagine how many other women out there might be into it with the right person and the right relationship dynamic. If you limit yourself to looking ONLY for women who actively label themselves as dominant or mistresseses, you might be missing out on a great partner, as long as you can also maintain some flexibility.

*Also, I feel like I should give this note. This doesn’t mean that I suggest mail bombing every woman on Fetlife who identifies as a switch. As always, be polite. Read profiles. Read the room. It’s just a little reminder not to get so caught up on labels that you don’t see the kinky forest for the whip wielding trees.

Spooky Woman Sex Dream

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To sleep, perchance to have a weird and bad dream….

I had a bizarre dream last night which woke me up from sleep in which I discovered that my boyfriend had been seeing a woman named Texas without telling me for several months.

We were at some kind of campground, and Texas worked at the campground. We weren’t IN Texas. I don’t know why she was named Texas! I don’t what she did at the campground, either. Just that she had a big, pretty round sort of moon face and wore a wide brimmed hat. I didn’t discover that my boyfriend had been seeing her until we were home.

I pushed him when he told me. And he got angry at that because he doesn’t approve of physical violence. And neither do it–not the kind that isn’t negotiated, but I do feel a push might be merited in that kind of circumstance. In which your boyfriend, in a dream, has been seeing a new woman for several months in a pandemic, without telling you.

I felt very betrayed. In my dream, I played out several scenarios. In one, I simply walked out and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him. In another, I had a calm conversation about what he had done wrong, feeling angry all the while.

And then for some reason my mother and dead grandfather were there. I mean, he was alive in the dream, but he is long dead in reality. And I have no idea what they were doing there, in my dream. They just showed up like they had been away on a trip and had come back at a supremely bad time, and my boyfriend and I had to be coldly pleasant to each other and then went upstairs and fought.

And then I woke up and felt very angry! And then realized that it was a dream and went back to sleep. But you know when you have that kind of dream. It lingers.

I didn’t sleep very well the rest of the night.

You’re My Pile of Riches, and I Want to Luxuriate in You.

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That’s right, pet. Down on your knees for me now, the weight of your body bearing down on hard wood. Supplication. Dedication. Instruction. We both know it’s where you belong. Don’t we? You down there, staring up at me with those wide-eyed puppy dog eyes just begging to serve.

To obey.

I do love to see you beg. And whimper. And moan. And knowing that it’s all for me! That your frustration and desperation and eagerness is all mine.

I own it.

I guess I’m just selfish that way. I want to keep all of your joy, misery, delicious exotic torment for myself.

Delight in it. Binge on it. Feed off it.

You’re my pile of riches, and I want to luxuriate in you.

Up now. Turn around and let me look at you. Really see you. Inspect you. Trust that every part of you is what I love and nothing at all is out of place. After all, every single molecule of that body belongs to me, corporeal and spiritual. Mind and body. Both.

And believe that I’ll care for you. My most precious of toys. Most beloved of objects. My subject. My predicate. 😉 I’ll never hurt you more than you need. Never give you too little. Or too much. After all, I know you.

Don’t I?

I know what YOU feed off of. My pleasure. My desire. My approval. And although I make you earn all of it, stripe by stripe, lick by lick, groan by breathtaking, hot, world shattering groan, you do. You earn it all.

And more.

Is Gentle Femdom a “Porn Category?” Are People Just Jerks Online? And Other Burning Femdom Forum Inspired Questions…

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gentle femdom forum
Is this troll drinking beer? Seems about right.

I regularly read some femdom forums. I have for a long time. I didn’t post under thegentledomme name before I had this blog, but now I mostly do because my life consists of creating content and talking about sex and sometimes watching The Crown. It’s so good! Isn’t it?

I happened to see this post on one my favorite femdom forums, which is on Reddit. I like the forum because it doesn’t really focus on sex or the “porn-y” aspects of kink, but more of the relationship stuff and questions women (and sometimes men) have about sticky situations. People on the forum were really helpful to me when I had questions, and I try to give back when something seems relevant.

I feel like lately I have come across several negative references to the term “gentle femdom.” Someone labeled it as merely a porn category, which I found interesting because I find it so hard to actually find good gentle femdom porn! But like anything, people are going to use labels, and I don’t really care if people want to label how I identify as a porn category. I don’t need that validation. But someone CAN feel free to make ME a fetish on Fetlife. #bucketlist #goals.

The post really centers around the GFD subreddit on Reddit, which I admit I have not visited much lately. What I’ve mostly liked there were the cute hentai or hentai inspired adorable sexy cartoons featuring sort of androgynous boys in panties. I just like what I like. I believe I ALSO sometimes visit the “straight twinks” subreddit. They are closely related.

Apparently, some people feel like the subreddit is kind of gross in terms of the attitudes some of the guys have, and I don’t know if I want to weigh in on that or not. I do know someone was very upset with me for posting an audio recording that was labeled as GFD but also had some cuckolding in it—that I did not write the script for OR label that way. That did not seem to matter to the person. They were extremely “triggered.” I really hate putting that in quotes. It makes me feel like I’m simultaneously a Republican and Millennial hater, and I am neither.

But seriously. If you’re that upset because your FREE porn audio contained cuckolding and that bothered you enough to write to me and yell at me about it…dude…you need to either get a life or be choosier about your porn. You could even say….pay for it!

Ah….it’s this kind of snarkiness that gets me in trouble. I’m going to get yelled at by a lot of guys into Mommy Dommes. Luckily, I am a mom, so I’ll just tell them to go to their rooms until they can control themselves.

So, here is what I thought about the post and how I define gentle femdom.

Partially, when I started this blog, I was looking for a way to rank highly in the search engines. So, I specifically targeted the niche of “gentle femdom” both because it WAS a niche AND it’s how I identify.

But I don’t think that “gentle femdom” is necessarily that much different than any other kind of femdom, except that I think it tends to be more sensual and involve less humiliation/pain. That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes like inflicting some humiliation and/or pain. I do. So, am I STRICTLTY a gentle femdom? I dunno. Am I strictly an anything? No.

I do think that GFD porn can heavily overlap with Mommy Domme and age play kink, and while I don’t think that’s a bad thing, I’m sure it can get annoying if you aren’t into that really nurturing element of kink. While I don’t consider myself a Mommy Domme, I really do get off of on what you might call manipulative nurturing (This hurts me more than it hurts you. 😉 ) I do not really do age play, although there is definitely an undercurrent of corruption of innocence that runs throughout my play.

The reason I started to identify as a gentle domme is that the other dommes I knew in real life seemed to enjoy harder play than I did. I varied back and forth between the labels I used for myself on Fetlife, which doesn’t really mean much, but I thought it did. Domme. Mistress. Switch. Top. Kinkster.

The ones I really switched back and forth between were Domme and Top because the amount of control that I really wanted in a relationship was questionable. It was largely within the bedroom. And I also enjoy what you might call service topping, or what I would call “topping for reactions.” Because I enjoy getting reactions so much, things that might not be personal kinks of my own can get hot if they are obviously exciting my partner.

I eventually did settle on Domme as a label, but I always say that I play in the shallow end of the pool. To me, that means that I tend to identify with gentle femdom. But how I interpret that label is not how someone else might interpret it, and that’s fine. It’s just a label.

The other thing I wanted to point out about that post is just that it largely focuses on online play. And while online play can be fun, I guess, I don’t think it’s the same as being in an in-person relationship with someone.

I’m not talking about an LDR in which people play online between seeing each other in person. I’m talking about exclusively online play where two people will never actually meet.

I think that people can feel free to enjoy this. I know I enjoy some of the online play that I do! But I think that confusing it for an in-person relationship where people can’t easily be the dicks they can be online without actual in person repercussions for their actions is a false equivalency.

Essentially, if guys on GFD social media are jerky, they are only as jerky as ALL social media allows people to be and I don’t think representative of how people into femdom of any kind are in reality.