I Don’t Know If I Want to Be a Domme, But I Definitely Want to Be a Vampire

I get a lot of my blog ideas from reading questions people ask on forums. And today someone asked about what inspires your domme energy.

Basically, I think I just always wanted to be a vampire.

I found a copy of Interview with the Vampire in a used bookstore when I was too young to be reading it, and I fell in love. I mean, I fell in LOVE. Hard. I used to lie awake at night in my room wishing that Lestat and Louis would come rescue me from my boring suburban life and make me immortal and beautiful. We would be doomed and damned forever!

I was, as the kids say with irony now, “so emo.”

In fact, I pretty much loved all schlock as a teenager, the more gothic the better.

And my tastes ran anywhere from the literary like Thanatopsis or Byron or Dante’s Inferno or Jane Eyre to Geena Davis’ nymphomaniac vampire character in a truly AWFUL 80s comedy, Transylvania 6-5000.

And don’t even get me started on seeing Tim Curry in those fishnets and garters. He wasn’t a “domme,” but he might as well have been. Who needs labels when you have eyebrows like that?

I dressed up as Morticia Addams and/or Elvira for Halloween numerous times over the years. If you don’t know who Elvira is, she was like a sluttier, funnier version of Morticia. I liked her better. I admired her boobs and her moxie.

And, somewhat embarrassingly, I also am pretty sure I masturbated more than once to another bad movie with a very young Jim Carrey and older but still quite sexy Lauren Hutton called Once Bitten, where she was, guess what….playing a vampire who needed to have sex with a virgin to stay young and beautiful!

I was quite the goth in my youth and have never outgrown my love of the color black. But I think my love of vampires, and more specifically female vampire figures, has less to do with being into things that are dark or scary and much more to do with loving their seductive manipulation.

They didn’t have to be violent (or at least not before you willingly allowed them to suck all of the blood out of your body). They could just charm you into doing their bidding. They were sexy, of course. But they were also clever. Knowing. Teasing. They understood their own sexual power and they used it for their benefit. They wielded it like a weapon, but gently. They didn’t need to take because soon enough, you were going to want to give.

Ultimately, they were very confident. In their beauty. In their charm. In their sexuality—even though they were very rarely shown BEING sexual.

They were never the object. YOU were the object.

I was really not these things. Not when I was young. I wasn’t confident. I didn’t feel pretty. I didn’t understand until a long time later that those feelings really come from within you, and that when you feel them from within yourself, they are projected outward. No one can give you those feelings except you.

I definitely didn’t grow into LOOKING anything like those characters I loved. I wouldn’t look very good with black hair, and mermaid dresses do nothing to accentuate my figure. And I still laugh way too much and too easily to really be anything like those tall, slim, haughty seductresses.

But when I’m in “domme mode,” well, I feel like them. I feel powerful and sexy and confident and manipulative in the best way. I feel like I have my “prey” wrapped around my finger, and I can just take my time to draw him in and…pounce. Of course, it’s not really his blood I’m interested in draining. 😉 I just want to see that look in his eyes and know he’s totally and completely under my spell.

The Internet Is a Sewer

Is this a sewer? It is just a pipe spewing water? Eh…you get the idea.

This is going to be both a rant and just my random opinion that you can feel free to disregard.

In fact, you can always feel free to disregard my opinions, except that the Hamilton soundtrack can indeed be enjoyed over 500 times without getting sick of it and that people who talk in movie theaters…sigh…remember those….are evil and must never be allowed back.

But the internet is a sewer.

Now, we all know this. Why do I need to tell you this? Everyone except maybe your grandma and Qanon uncle knows this. And why would I be talking about this in relation to kink/BDSM?

Because I’ve seen and talked to numerous people lately who are looking for partners on the internet.

People, the internet is a SEWER! I just cannot repeat this enough.

Am I posting on the internet? Yes. Am I posting in the sewer? Yes.

But I will say that I have an actual website that took time (so much time) to create and maintain. I have a social media presence. I produce a lot of content.

I also don’t pretend that I want to be your kinky girlfriend. Why? Because I don’t try to get in relationships with people I meet only exclusively online! (I did meet my boyfriend online. But we pretty quickly transitioned to talking on the phone and then meeting in person.)

Somehow, call me crazy, I don’t believe that the guys on Reddit who tell me repeatedly that they love my audio recordings and will “do anything” for me will really DO ANYTHING for me, unless that anything is jerking off to my voice.

And if a random too good to be true shows up in your inbox out of nowhere, she or he or they are also likely to be too good to be true—unless there’s a specific reason they found you, contacted you, etc…

Now, I should clarify that I think some parts of the internets are more…stinky… than others. I do encourage people interested in kink to get on Fetlife because it is the biggest only meeting place for that, AND because it’s a place where you can get OUT of the sewer and find people in real life.

Then most of the rats who live in the sewer don’t want to come into the light, and you are left with people who took the time to:

–Put on pants

–Leave their house

–Engage with other human beings in person

Honestly, this is a high bar for me these days. (And only swingers seem to still be having events. I know this because I get two emails a week telling me that they are, and each time I am like…really? Really?) But I digress…

Although I am old and have little experience with dating apps, I also recommend them, especially OKCupid, which is kinda kink friendly.

Or maybe Feeld, although it does seem to cater more to hookups, swingers (we know they’re still partying through a pandemic) and unicorns (see swingers…why am I being so mean to swingers today? I’m going to get so many mean responses from swingers.)

I recommend them only because this is basically the way people date these days. I think. (See: I’m old.) And they also encourage you to get out of the sewer for what is currently a cold coffee date on a patio wearing a blanket and mask.

What I do not recommend is just trying to meet people without:

–Putting on pants

–Leaving your house

–Engaging with other human beings in person

Because if someone cannot be bothered to do those three things to meet you, they are not worth meeting.

Some caveats because I know people will mention them.

Yes, we are in a pandemic. This sucks. It is much harder to meet people in person, and so some of this advice is definitely tailored to a post-pandemic world, which hopefully will arrive soon.

It is hard for some people to engage with others. I know this is real. It is way less scary to talk to people behind a screen, and I recognize this. But it is usually when we take risks that we are rewarded. Sometimes not. But you’ll never find out unless you try.  

Passivity Is Not Hot: Why You Can and Should Be an Active Sub

While I certainly can’t speak for all dommes and/or tops out there, I feel like I’m confident enough in this belief that I can just say it.

Passivity is not hot.

What do I mean by this? Well, first, what do I consider as being passive?

Someone who is passive allows things to happen to them. They take no initiative. They show little enthusiasm. They may be obedient, but they are not motivated. And, personally, I think passivity means that I’m going to have to do all the WORK in a dynamic.

I think at the heart of a lot of submissive desires is the need to both give up control and to please.

And I like—love—taking control. And I like being pleased. But two things I do not like are:

1. Boredom

2. Having to do all the work

There’s an ironic thing that can happen when you dom, which is that you can end up doing way more work than your sub, who is theoretically supposed to be pleasing you.

A lot of this work is fun work! It’s the work of coming up with interesting scenes and figuring out what really gets to them! And in deeper D/s relationships, perhaps even taking more control over their lives. But this is, nonetheless, work. And it can get tiring. It is especially tiring if you feel that your work isn’t being appreciated and that the other person isn’t also putting in effort.

AKA: Passivity

A domme is not there to fix your life. Or at least, I don’t think she should be. Most women aren’t looking for an adult man who isn’t functioning well on their own. And if they are, you might want to question why.

I want a partner who is an equal, even if our relationship has unequal power dynamics. I want to feel like someone is capable of saying no to me, even if they’re choosing not to.

And I definitely want to feel like they’re excited about the things we do! I want to hear them moan, whimper, sigh….see the frustration, desperation, eagerness of their face. I want them to WANT to grab me, lick me, kiss me, even if I say they can’t.

Now, this is where I think things get into more personal territory. I am sure some dommes would prefer more restrained submissives. I admit that I’m quite the reaction slut, in that I can never quite get enough of them. In fact, I LOVE being grabbed. It feels so…deliciously desperate and wanting. It just makes me want to grab back—harder.

I also welcome scene ideas from a partner. It can get tiring come up with new things to do and easy to slide into monotony. That doesn’t mean I want to feel like I’m being ordered around and treated like a kink dispenser, but I love to hear about hot ideas and possibilities. To me, that is part of being an active partner.

And that’s what I really find hot. An active partner! Someone who is as invested in our dynamic as I am. Someone who shows me his desire, his excitement. Someone who can rely on me (like I hope I can rely on them) but can also rely on themselves.

Passivity is boring. It’s not sexy.

In my opinion, it shows a lack of confidence or a lack of interest or both. And neither of those qualities exactly make me want to take out the cuffs or the flogger and do the “work” that I so love to do.

Spooky Woman Sex Dream

To sleep, perchance to have a weird and bad dream….

I had a bizarre dream last night which woke me up from sleep in which I discovered that my boyfriend had been seeing a woman named Texas without telling me for several months.

We were at some kind of campground, and Texas worked at the campground. We weren’t IN Texas. I don’t know why she was named Texas! I don’t what she did at the campground, either. Just that she had a big, pretty round sort of moon face and wore a wide brimmed hat. I didn’t discover that my boyfriend had been seeing her until we were home.

I pushed him when he told me. And he got angry at that because he doesn’t approve of physical violence. And neither do it–not the kind that isn’t negotiated, but I do feel a push might be merited in that kind of circumstance. In which your boyfriend, in a dream, has been seeing a new woman for several months in a pandemic, without telling you.

I felt very betrayed. In my dream, I played out several scenarios. In one, I simply walked out and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him. In another, I had a calm conversation about what he had done wrong, feeling angry all the while.

And then for some reason my mother and dead grandfather were there. I mean, he was alive in the dream, but he is long dead in reality. And I have no idea what they were doing there, in my dream. They just showed up like they had been away on a trip and had come back at a supremely bad time, and my boyfriend and I had to be coldly pleasant to each other and then went upstairs and fought.

And then I woke up and felt very angry! And then realized that it was a dream and went back to sleep. But you know when you have that kind of dream. It lingers.

I didn’t sleep very well the rest of the night.

Is Gentle Femdom a “Porn Category?” Are People Just Jerks Online? And Other Burning Femdom Forum Inspired Questions…

gentle femdom forum
Is this troll drinking beer? Seems about right.

I regularly read some femdom forums. I have for a long time. I didn’t post under thegentledomme name before I had this blog, but now I mostly do because my life consists of creating content and talking about sex and sometimes watching The Crown. It’s so good! Isn’t it?

I happened to see this post on one my favorite femdom forums, which is on Reddit. I like the forum because it doesn’t really focus on sex or the “porn-y” aspects of kink, but more of the relationship stuff and questions women (and sometimes men) have about sticky situations. People on the forum were really helpful to me when I had questions, and I try to give back when something seems relevant.

I feel like lately I have come across several negative references to the term “gentle femdom.” Someone labeled it as merely a porn category, which I found interesting because I find it so hard to actually find good gentle femdom porn! But like anything, people are going to use labels, and I don’t really care if people want to label how I identify as a porn category. I don’t need that validation. But someone CAN feel free to make ME a fetish on Fetlife. #bucketlist #goals.

The post really centers around the GFD subreddit on Reddit, which I admit I have not visited much lately. What I’ve mostly liked there were the cute hentai or hentai inspired adorable sexy cartoons featuring sort of androgynous boys in panties. I just like what I like. I believe I ALSO sometimes visit the “straight twinks” subreddit. They are closely related.

Apparently, some people feel like the subreddit is kind of gross in terms of the attitudes some of the guys have, and I don’t know if I want to weigh in on that or not. I do know someone was very upset with me for posting an audio recording that was labeled as GFD but also had some cuckolding in it—that I did not write the script for OR label that way. That did not seem to matter to the person. They were extremely “triggered.” I really hate putting that in quotes. It makes me feel like I’m simultaneously a Republican and Millennial hater, and I am neither.

But seriously. If you’re that upset because your FREE porn audio contained cuckolding and that bothered you enough to write to me and yell at me about it…dude…you need to either get a life or be choosier about your porn. You could even say….pay for it!

Ah….it’s this kind of snarkiness that gets me in trouble. I’m going to get yelled at by a lot of guys into Mommy Dommes. Luckily, I am a mom, so I’ll just tell them to go to their rooms until they can control themselves.

So, here is what I thought about the post and how I define gentle femdom.

Partially, when I started this blog, I was looking for a way to rank highly in the search engines. So, I specifically targeted the niche of “gentle femdom” both because it WAS a niche AND it’s how I identify.

But I don’t think that “gentle femdom” is necessarily that much different than any other kind of femdom, except that I think it tends to be more sensual and involve less humiliation/pain. That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes like inflicting some humiliation and/or pain. I do. So, am I STRICTLTY a gentle femdom? I dunno. Am I strictly an anything? No.

I do think that GFD porn can heavily overlap with Mommy Domme and age play kink, and while I don’t think that’s a bad thing, I’m sure it can get annoying if you aren’t into that really nurturing element of kink. While I don’t consider myself a Mommy Domme, I really do get off of on what you might call manipulative nurturing (This hurts me more than it hurts you. 😉 ) I do not really do age play, although there is definitely an undercurrent of corruption of innocence that runs throughout my play.

The reason I started to identify as a gentle domme is that the other dommes I knew in real life seemed to enjoy harder play than I did. I varied back and forth between the labels I used for myself on Fetlife, which doesn’t really mean much, but I thought it did. Domme. Mistress. Switch. Top. Kinkster.

The ones I really switched back and forth between were Domme and Top because the amount of control that I really wanted in a relationship was questionable. It was largely within the bedroom. And I also enjoy what you might call service topping, or what I would call “topping for reactions.” Because I enjoy getting reactions so much, things that might not be personal kinks of my own can get hot if they are obviously exciting my partner.

I eventually did settle on Domme as a label, but I always say that I play in the shallow end of the pool. To me, that means that I tend to identify with gentle femdom. But how I interpret that label is not how someone else might interpret it, and that’s fine. It’s just a label.

The other thing I wanted to point out about that post is just that it largely focuses on online play. And while online play can be fun, I guess, I don’t think it’s the same as being in an in-person relationship with someone.

I’m not talking about an LDR in which people play online between seeing each other in person. I’m talking about exclusively online play where two people will never actually meet.

I think that people can feel free to enjoy this. I know I enjoy some of the online play that I do! But I think that confusing it for an in-person relationship where people can’t easily be the dicks they can be online without actual in person repercussions for their actions is a false equivalency.

Essentially, if guys on GFD social media are jerky, they are only as jerky as ALL social media allows people to be and I don’t think representative of how people into femdom of any kind are in reality.

Being in a Relationship with Someone Like Me

gentle femdom

I don’t talk too much here about ME. I talk about what I do, and I talk about my thoughts on certain topics, usually related to femdom. But I don’t talk a lot about my personal experiences or feelings, largely because I try to protect some of my privacy.

But I’ve had a bit of soul searching over the past couple of days, and it’s caused me to think about what I am like…in friendships, but also in in romantic relationships.

It’s not always easy being in a relationship with me.

I am a good, thoughtful partner. I am honest. I am loving. I am clever. I am kinky, if you like that. I am a good planner. Seriously, this is a good quality in a partner. I am always prepared!

I like to give gifts. I like to surprise people I love. I like to manage details and improve people’s lives.

I am also controlling. Strong-willed but anxious. Attention seeking.

I alternately have everything together and think the world is ending.

I am demanding. I like what I like. And I like it how I like it.

I like being spoiled. I love feeling special. That is the secret to having my heart.

You could not be in a relationship with me if you needed to usually be in the spotlight. I do best with secure, calm men, who like letting me lead, be my headstrong, bold, silly self, but support me almost unconditionally. (Within reason.) (And sometimes, very sweetly, suggest that I rethink before acting.)

You would need to be able to help calm me down when I freak out. I am obsessive and tend to ruminate on things for far too long. I also get very involved in certain hobbies, activities and throw myself completely into them at the expense of everything else.

I can be judgmental. That is a work forever in progress.

I am stubborn. React defensively to feeling hurt or attacked.

And I can be jealous.

In short, I am difficult. I can be difficult.

I am not easy going. I need that in a partner.

I think I bring a lot back to a relationship, despite that I am difficult. In fact, that’s part of what makes me interesting. I am not a boring person. Crazy making—maybe? But boring. Never.

I will know you. Really know you. I will listen. I will care. I will try to solve, for better or for worse. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I will make you laugh. Exasperate you. Tease you. Objectify you. In a good way. Learn from you. Teach you. Be open to new ideas.

But being in a relationship with me is not for anyone weak. No one has ever called me low-maintenance, and they never will.  

You’d Think I Was a Naked 18 Year Old With Her Tongue Sticking Out

Wow. My last post really blew up on Fetlife. I think it’s currently at around 475 loves. I was kind of surprised about that, since what I said seemed fairly obvious (although I guess not as obvious when I really thought about it), and also, I am not a naked 18 year old with her tongue sticking out, which is what usually goes to the top of Kinky and Popular. 😉

But that was a fun surprise. It’s nice to get the attention, and it seemed like a lot of people found it quite helpful, which also felt good.

I’m working on more content today for Niteflirt. I will have three new audios coming out today and/or tomorrow.

One is a short cuckolding and small penis humiliation audio, which isn’t really something I do in my personal life, but a kink that quite a few men I talk to have. So, I’m making more content about cuckolding and SPH. It’s actually pretty fascinating to me to learn about people’s sexuality and what makes them excited, and even though those aren’t really MY kinks, it’s still definitely fun to hear people get excited about THEIR kinks.

The other is something I think of as being more niche, which is an audio about armpit sniffing! What’s funny is that I actually do love the smell of a man’s armpits if I’m into him, especially if he’s been sweating. Pheromones, baby! So, I really don’t think this is very bizarre, but I thought it would be fun to make a short audio about it.

And the last is sort of an attempt to get into erotic hypnosis. It’s very popular, and I don’t know if I’ve quite got it down, but it was fun to make and very long. I think some of my listeners will like it just because it’s long (about 30 minutes). It includes a lot of the things I like to talk about like edging and orgasm control.

I enjoyed my weekend with my boyfriend, who has christened himself The Rough Subbe. Or maybe it should be The Ruff Subbe? Ye Olde Subbe. We joked about doing a lighthearted podcast together about femdom topics, but I’ll have to see if we actually make it happen.

How to Use Fetlife: Use the Tool. Don’t Be One.

Not my toy bag…but not that far off….

I’ve been talking to a lot of men recently who have kinky interests that they’re trying to understand and figure out, and I ultimately end up directing them to check out Fetlife, because it’s basically kinky Facebook.

It’s hard to think of many other resources that would give them such access to learning about kink. A purely educational website like Kink Academy, which I love and was a member of for several years, can teach you a lot about how to do kink. I love, love, love Princess Kali.

But there really aren’t any other resources I can think of other than Fetlife that allow people to learn SO much about kink and meet SO many other kinksters. It really puts it all at your fingertips.

But I also realized that when I direct them there, I’m not necessarily explaining the best way for them to USE Fetlife. And that’s not doing them any favors, because it can be confusing. All of these sexy people? Doing sexy things? And showing off sex, sex, sex, kink, kink, kink…..

If you’re a guy who has been fantasizing about these things for years, and likely watching lot of porn, and maybe even talking to people like me on the phone (fantasy, people…it’s fantasy), I imagine it is quite confusing and very much a kid in the candy store feeling.

But, as any kinkster knows, men are generally given a lot less leeway in the Scene to screw up than women. (For good reason. Many more men are predators and do scary things than women.) And so many women on Fetlife are approached so often by guys, that most are generally tired of it and have little patience for random messages from random men. Even seemingly nice men.

I posted the other day about using Fetlife to attract women. And I think those suggestions were largely good ones. Some people disagreed with me, of course. And they are welcome to ALL OF THE PENIS pictures that have been displayed to me over the years.

But, I also pointed out that Fetlife isn’t a dating site. It can be used that way. I’ve used it that way. But it’s not kinky OK Cupid. And most of the women showing off there aren’t necessarily showing off to specifically attract men. Some are. For sex, love or profit. But some are just doing for it for feelings of empowerment. Assuming it is an invitation is a mistake.

I realized when trying to explain this to someone how many spoken and unspoken rules there are in the kink community. I made a few mistakes when I was new to the Scene. I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t get hurt too badly. But I looked and felt foolish and had my pride hurt. And because I was a woman, I think one or two mistakes were tolerated much more than they would have been if I was a cis-het man.

But that was all part of it. Joining Fetlife was just the start of learning for me. I didn’t just get on a website and say—okay—it’s all going to come to me. I didn’t even know what I wanted, really! I went to things. I started meeting people. It was so awkward. I tried things. I got hurt. I tried other things. I liked them. Got hurt again. I discovered more things that I did like and understood more about what I didn’t like, and along the way I made friends and connections and became a part of the community—a part of A community within the larger community. And I am still learning, and I look forward to going to events again when the pandemic is over.

You certainly don’t have to be on Fetlife or in the kink Scene to be kinky. Millions and millions of people have kinky fantasies, and a comparatively tiny number of them go to kink events or meet ups. But if you want to participate in the public kink Scene, then you have to put in the work to be a part of the community, like you would have to do to be a part of any community, learn any set of new skills.

The best way to utilize Fetlife as someone who is interested in kink and other kinky people but who feels unsure and is getting your footing is to go to meet ups. Those might be munches or happy hours. They are called different things in different places. But they are essentially vanilla gatherings of kinksters where you just hang out with other people and talk. You can make friends. Maybe flirt, if you’re lucky! People can see that you are a real person. And you can see that they actually look nothing those profile pictures…hmmmm. (My friend once told me to remember that a profile picture is the BEST you will ever see someone look. So, keep that in mind…especially people with penises for profile pictures.)

Another really useful thing to do is go to educational events. These are mostly online right now, which is good and bad. It’s bad because you miss out on the social aspect of the events. But it’s good because you have access to so many of them that were previously only in person. Take the opportunity to go to some virtual or in person events about topics that make you curious.

A third helpful thing might be to join groups. These could be local groups that host events. Or they could be groups related to topics or kinks you find interesting or sexy or even weird. Just make sure that when you join the groups, you pay attention to the rules and follow them.

So, now I feel like all of my future advice to visit Fetlife is going to be given with the caveat of this post. It is a tool to be used to begin your exploration in a way that is MORE than fantasy—if you want kink to be more than just fantasy. Which not everyone does.

I will say that I think that when you leave the fantasy behind some things get less hot. You realize that dommes do not live 24/7 in their tight latex and thigh high boots. You have to acknowledge them as people. And as much as I know some people will disagree with me, you have to accept that you cannot be a “slave” 24/7 because there is reality to live in and reality is not always kinky. You can be a slave, but you’re still a slave that walks the dog and buys groceries and probably plays board games and watches Netflix sometimes.

BUT some things get WAYYYYY more exciting! You get exposed to so many new things and experiences and people. You learn so much about yourself and your boundaries and standards and imagination. It isn’t a journey for everyone, by any means, but if you’re interested in taking it, be interested in putting in the effort.

How to Not Make Female Dominance Feel Like Work for a Woman

A cozy happy place picture for me

Yesterday I talked about Ms. Rika’s book, Uniquely Rika. Again, I am not a shill for this book. I just liked it, and I think it’s very different than a lot of the other “how to be a femdom” books out there which really focus more on how to be a “fantasy” femdom than actually have a female led relationship.

And, again, I want to say that I also think it’s totally okay to NOT want to have a female led relationship. In all honesty, although I use labels here because they’re convenient, I don’t usually refer to myself as a “domme” IRL or my partner as a “sub,” because I am really just a person who likes certain things. A label is sort of convenient, but it’s also limiting. 

And I don’t have a female led relationship. Am I bossy? Yes. Controlling? Sometimes. Is that because I have some agreed upon dynamic where I always get my way and it’s kinky and hot and all subtexty? No. It’s because I’m bossy and neurotic and people who love me learn to deal with it, and I try to work on it to not drive them insane.

Okay. I’m getting a little sidetracked.

What I did want to focus on was the end part of what I mentioned yesterday, where I talked about the WORK of “female dominance.” And you’ll notice that I’m putting “female dominance” in quotations here because it really seems like irony. Doesn’t it?

The fantasy of femdom is that I am superior. I deserve to be worshipped because I’m totally awesome. (Which I am. I mean, duh.) My slaves (I’m really getting into it now…) are there to serve me, to meet my every desire and be used exactly how I want.

Except that really, the serving often tends to involve the pee pee. Doesn’t it? 

How do men generally offer to serve me? By allowing me the generous use of their tongues and their penises….more often tongues because why would I even lower myself to actually want a  fucking?

And the use often also involves me DOING things to the “sub.” I’ll do anything for you, Mistress, really means…what things are you going to do to my pee pee, Mistress? I don’t want to think about anything, Mistress. I don’t have an imagination. I want to be a passive object, and not in a hot way but in a way where I don’t have to do any work and you have to do all the work but isn’t this hot for you because you get to totally use me and I serve you and I’ll do ANYTHING for you, Mistress, except take some actual initiative.

I’m going to stop calling it a pee pee now. That was getting weird.

So, hold on.  This is where I say #notallsubs. My kinky partner is not like this.  He treats me like a beloved human being and not a fetish dispenser. And if there are times when I’m like, “You know, I am just not feeling kinky right now,” he understands. And if I say, “I want you to make some decisions,” he makes decisions. I am not accusing all subby guys and bottoms of being like this. I think it tends to be men who have a lot of exposure to femdom in fantasy and not much exposure to femdom in reality.

But I do think that this is where things go sideways in a lot of relationships where you have one person, usually the guy, pushing for kink, and the other person, usually the woman, not very interested. Because although the guy is SAYING, “I want to serve you,” what is really coming across is, “What can you do for me? What can you do to me?”

If you’re with a naturally kinky woman like me who is a reaction junkie and gets off on hearing guys whimper and moan, that’s not a bad proposition. I’m like—sweet—I’m going to edge and deny you and whisper dirty things in your ear and not let you come, and that’s going to turn me on if you make good noises for me.

But even I would start to get annoyed if I felt like everything was all about servicing someone else’s kink. Especially if it didn’t do much for me. And even I have gone through periods where being kinky felt like work. I can’t remember the last time I really planned out a scene…like start to finish with a plan. That kind of thing takes effort. The last thing I want to hear is, “You have total control, goddess. You can do ANYTHING to me.” Because what I hear in that statement is…well, this is going to be a lot of WORK.

Doing the phone sex is different. Because people are paying me for a service. So, while I would certainly rather a guy specifically tell me, I like to fantasize about naked oil wrestling in a baby pool while a woman in a wedding dress swaddles me in the folds of her voluminous fabric, I really cannot complain when someone says they’ll do “anything” for me. Yes, that makes it feel more like work, but it IS work.   

But in a relationship, I don’t want my kink to feel like work.  I don’t need to feel served all the time either, or even really ever. Not all dominant or toppy women are that into service. Ideally, it would be 50/50, but if you’re in a relationship with a vanilla woman and you are hoping to get her interested in the idea of kinky play, the very last thing you want to make her feel is that this is going to be more work. Instead, make her feel like it’s about her! And not just like in the I’ll give you the honor of sitting on my face kind of way.  No. Not unless she has expressed a real desire for some face sitting. I mean in the kind of way that really pleases HER as an individual.

What Does a Domme Wear? Well, What Does This One Wear, Anyway.

You can wear cute, heart covered socks and still be domme AF.

The obvious answer is anything she damned well pleases.

Sorry for bad jokes.

The more honest answer is that it totally depends. On the person. On the time. On the place.

When I go out to kink events (in the before times…when we were still having kink events), I like to get really dressed up. One of my favorite clothing brands for domme-wear is Coquette Darque. They have a lot of pleather clothing that are stretchy but also very sexy. And that’s important, because no matter how sexy you want to feel, if you can’t actually move in what you’re wearing, that’s not much fun.

I also love high heels and boots. I have quite a collection. So, if I’m going out on the town…errr….out at the dungeon, I’m probably wearing some very sexy heels or boots.

I do have some more restrictive clothing, boned corsets that make my waist and my boobs look fabulous, but, realistically, I only wear them to LOOK like a “domme” (quote/unquote) and feel powerful and sexy. In reality, I can’t DO very much in them, which is not actually very powerful or sexy!

Sit. Bend over. God help me if I fell. I’d be like a turtle on the floor, shell side down.

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And then I have a few latex pieces. Lots of people adore latex. They like the way it feels, especially when it’s oiled. They like the shine. They like GETTING shined. It’s skin tight and accentuates all of the right places.

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BUT…I am not actually a fan of latex because….

It’s hot! It’s so hot! And you sweat in it. And eventually you become a hot mess of sweat inside your latex, which is exactly what some people like about it. But it is not for me. I’ll wear latex only occasionally. I have some very long, black latex gloves that makes me feel like an evil queen.

So, what do I like to play in? Really, I like to play in a tank top and cute undies or a light piece of lingerie that’s easy to move in and has access to all my naughty bits. I say I like to order from the “Amazon whore store,” because they have so many cute, cheap pieces of lingerie to indulge me.

If it’s just bedroom play, which is what it usually is for me, I’ll start out in whatever I happen to be wearing. I actually have kind of a thing for CFNM (clothed female naked man).

(Reminder to me and everyone–write more about my clothed female naked man kink because it’s hot. Ungh. Talk about vulnerability.)

So, my regular clothing fits in well, especially if I’m not actually wearing panties under my skirt, for a sneaky surprise.

And then eventually I’ll strip down into my undies or maybe change into a lacey black piece of lingerie.

Sometimes I like buying cheap slutty dresses on clearance that I would never wear out of the house just to wear for kinky play. That way, I don’t care if they get messed up, and they are tight—so tight—much tighter than I would wear in public.

But kink is the place where I get to play. And I can look as slutty as I want!

As for what other dommes wear, well, it really is up to them! I see them in everything from total black leather dominatrix wear to cute and flouncy dresses with puppy prints on them.

In fact, there’s something especially hot to me about looking really cute and princess-y and also being totally in control.

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