Kink and Long Distance Relationships

Hello my Darling Deviants,

I have been quite off for a few days for several reasons, both physical and emotional. So, if you’ve been looking for me online, that’s why I haven’t been around. I will be around more after Christmas. I am trying to keep up with my blogging and writing and audio recordings. I will release another one soon. I also would like to start writing some more erotica. I have to feel in the mood.

I asked for questions, and I received! Someone asked me about maintaining a kink relationship when you live far away from someone. The question was:

“Thoughts on how to incorporate Femdom into a long distance relationship? I have previously had a relationship with a domme in the US while I was studying in Berlin and while it was fun to have cam sessions where I would edge and spank myself, the novelty wore off. There’s simply no replacing the physical connection between two people. Would be interesting to hear your take on it, especially with your foray into NiteFlirt and the world of virtual play.”

First, this is just my opinion. I haven’t had a relationship that was so long distance for such a length of time. I do see my partner about once every two weeks. It can be shorter. It is rarely longer. But that is very different than a relationship that’s on another continent.

You talked about trying to replicate physical connection, and I agree that if you’re trying to spank yourself, it’s probably not going to be nearly as exciting as having someone else do it. Why can’t you tickle yourself? It just doesn’t feel the same!

In that kind of situation, I would probably rely a lot more on mental connection. Orgasm control would be an excellent way to maintain that mental connection. You mentioned edging, so perhaps you did try that. But I would think in a situation like that, essentially turning your orgasms over to your partner would be hot–assuming she felt the same way.

Depending on how comfortable one was with the idea, I might also suggest playing with others (perhaps just for impact) and having to tell your partner all about it. That could be a way to get the physical kink you need and link it to the the mental connection with a partner.

My other suggestions would be fairly pedestrian.

  • Creating a shared blog where you both post images, audios, videos you find sexy, and/or little notes or messages to each other.
  • Obviously video chatting, which you mentioned.
  • Creating small rituals. That every day at 3PM, you do something that shows you are thinking about your partner.
  • That she picks out your clothes.
  • Or creates an exercise routine for you that you must follow.
  • That every Friday she expects some kind of gift from you, big or small–anything from expensive perfume to a sweet, handwritten note. This could really be whatever you want together, but the idea is to nourish that bond while you are apart.
  • How about making some video porn for one another? Or audio? 😉

Of course, you also has to ask what she would be getting out of these activities. She has to want to do them and feel that it does something for her. Honestly, picking out my partner’s clothes feels tedious TO ME. Some people like it.

But I’m not sure that many of those suggestions are really that different than suggestions one would get for a vanilla LDR.

One thing that I think would be very important would be having a date where you knew you would see one another. Just having that date in mind, would give you something to look forward to and stave off disinterest. An interminable LDR seems extremely difficult to maintain, in my opinion.

I know there are women who virtually simulate physical kink, but I don’t. And the only reasons are that it’s loud and it feels a little silly TO ME. It would feel inauthentic.

What I generally do online and on the phone is use my words to create pictures. So, while I wouldn’t try to simulate the sounds of spanking, I might describe to someone how he was going to slowly pull down his pants and drape himself over my lap, prepared for my gloved hand to strike at any time. 😉 (That was kind of poetic. I’m not normally that poetic,.)

Anyway, I’m not sure how helpful that answer was. I know that I have used many of those suggestions in my own relationship, but two weeks a few hours away is lot different than American to Europe for an extended period of time.

Who Puts the Good in “Good Boy?” And Why Praise Kink is a Powerful Form of Therapy

SUCH a good boy!

If you haven’t guessed by the copious amount of writing I do on a daily basis—I’m a word person.

I LOVE words.

And I LOVE incorporating words into sex, specifically kinky sex.

In fact, a lot of the sex I have would probably look like vanilla sex (except maybe for a hand over the mouth or on the throat) if it was on mute. It only gets really kinky if you turn up the volume and listen.

And of ALL the sexy words and phrases I love, “Good boy,” probably does it the most for me.

If you read my writing or listen to my audio recordings, you’ll hear me say it a lot. Sometimes it’s in the form of a question. Are you my good boy? Sometimes it’s an answer and a call for repetition. Yes, you ARE my good boy. TELL me you’re my good boy!

I’m definitely not alone in my “good boy” kink. There are numerous Reddit discussions where someone shyly admits that getting called a good boy or a good girl makes them crazy horny, and then hundreds of other people cop to their own adoration of the term.

But what is it about “good boy” that’s so hot?

(If I’m being honest, when I’m feeling switchy, “good girl,” does it for me too.)

I guess you might call it a praise kink. That’s quite popular in gentle femdom. In fact, one of the best pieces of advice I got about humiliation in kink was using a humiliating word in an endearing and possessive way. So, instead of saying, “You’re a slut,” you say, “You’re MY good little submissive slut!” It sounds a lot sweeter and gives the thrill without the sting.

I think good boy hits the same notes. You call a dog you love a good boy, so it has that association with a creature who is beloved but not quite human and without human rights. A boy is diminutive. A boy isn’t a man. So, it toys with age play and the dynamics of feeling like someone is in a nurturing place of power over you—that you are a little beneath them, but you know they care about you. It gives that submissive shiver of giving yourself over to someone who you know values you.

  • And not to get too deep into my many years of therapy, doesn’t everyone really want to be a good boy or a good girl?
  • How many of us wish we felt that from our parents, but didn’t?
  • How many of us wish we were validated more?
  • Have secret guilt about who we are?
  • Our faults?
  • Our private desires that we worry are shameful?
  • Especially if we think they’re out of the norm.

When someone you care about and are willing to be honest with sees those desires and accepts them and even praises you for them, you feel—well—you feel good.

You feel free.

I think it says something about our culture that so many of us crave that feeling of validation, even random people on Reddit who don’t identify as people part of the kink community at all.

What are so many of us lacking when it comes to feeling really known and accepted and loved—and why?

And why do I love calling my partner my good boy? Partly, it’s his reactions. I can tell how much he likes it, and that makes me like it. Partly, maybe it’s the power I have to validate, to enable those feelings of vulnerability, tease them out and give him permission to just go for it! It’s a little dirty, a little sweet, a little dominant—all the things I like.

And it just feels so good to say it out loud.

“Good boy. Come hard for me now. What a good, good boy you are!”

Ask a Gentle Domme: How Can I Get My Wife or Girlfriend to Peg Me?

pegging girlfriend strap on

The short answer is that there’s no way to force your wife to peg you or to like it. But, depending on what her objections are and what your relationship is like, you might be able to convince to her to give it a try.

Pegging, a term coined by readers of Dan Savage back in 2001, is when a woman uses a dildo to perform anal sex on a man, usually using a strap on harness or double ended dildo that can worn internally by the woman. 

Pegging, a term coined by readers of Dan Savage back in 2001, is when a woman uses a dildo to perform anal sex on a man, usually using a strap on harness or double ended dildo that can worn internally by the woman. 

These kinds of questions are fairly common. You’ve heard about pegging and maybe tried some anal play on yourself and realized you liked it. And why not? The prostate, located inside the male booty, can be exquisitely sensitive and pleasurable for some men—although not all. Everyone is different. Some submissive men are also attracted to the perceived power exchange dynamics associated with pegging. It allows a woman to penetrate a man, which can feel sexy to men who want to give up control to women. While some men may be too embarrassed about asking for anal play, pegging is becoming more and more mainstream and more couples are into giving it a try. 

Personally, I have tried and enjoy pegging and various forms of anal play with men, including manual massage and rimming. Although men and women can worry about the mess…the idea of poop isn’t sexy to most people despite how good anal play can feel…I’ve found that with simple hygiene procedures like making sure you’ve recently gone to the bathroom and washing well, the mess is minimal to none. I really enjoy watching a man go crazy when his prostate is stimulated. I find it to be an incredibly intimate act that requires a lot of trust. And while it can be kinky and used to create an F/m power dynamic, it doesn’t necessarily have to be. 

But just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that your girlfriend or wife will. And don’t assume that just because a woman is a domme, that necessarily means she likes pegging. She’s probably more likely to than the average vanilla girl, but it’s not a guarantee. 

So, you can’t force your partner to peg you. But are there some ways you could get her to come around? Maybe.

First, find out what her objections are. Is that she’s worried that it will be gross? If so, the first step might be a nice shower together. If you want to be extra sure, you could volunteer to make sure you’re nice and clean by using an anal douche or enema first. 

Is it that she feels it’s not masculine? There is a misconception that liking anal play might mean a man is secretly gay, but this is totally untrue. Both straight men and gay men enjoy anal play. It just feels good! But your partner might need some help unpacking some of her stereotypes about masculinity and gender.

Or maybe she’s worried she won’t know what to do or that she’ll hurt you. I can assure you from experience that if you’ve never penetrated anyone before, it takes some getting used to. Pegging made me realize that penetration can be work out! Also, when men penetrate women with their penises, they can feel the sensation of what they’re doing. When you’re using a dildo, you have to learn how to move in a pleasurable way and be extra careful that you don’t hurt your partner. Watching some realistic amateur pegging porn could help your female partner see some examples of what to do and make her feel more comfortable. You should also reassure her that you’ll communicate well and you can stop or take a break any time she decides. 

Getting a good harness from a company like Spare Parts that has a pocket for a bullet vibe also couldn’t hurt. It will stimulate her as she’s stimulating you. But good harnesses can be a little on the pricey side, so be aware of that. Otherwise, have her a choose a cheap harness that makes her feel sexy at first. You can always upgrade later.

So, what if you try all of these things? Promising to make your butt extra clean? Discussing outdated notions about what’s masculine and what’s not? Working through worries or fears about trying something new? And despite that, she still doesn’t want to give it a go? 

Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to make your partner want to peg you. As disappointing as that might be, hounding her is unlikely to do anything but annoy her and make the prospect even more distasteful. Assuming this isn’t a make or break decision for your relationship, your best bet at that point would be a compromise—perhaps that you wear a butt plug during sex—or stick to anal explorations that are entirely solo. If you don’t pressure her too much, you could always revisit the option at a later date, and maybe her feelings will change.

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Help! My Boyfriend is a Sub and I’m a Switch. How Can I Get What I Need?

kinky games for submissives and switches

Sometimes people’s needs match up perfectly. But often they don’t. You might think that if you meet a partner through the kink community, you’re all set. You’re both kinky. What’s the problem? But as most experienced kinksters know, it’s not always that simple.

If you’re a switch and you meet a submissive man who doesn’t feel capable of switching and being dominant at times, it can lead to a tough situation. You can feel like you’re giving him what he needs, but a part of you isn’t getting what you need.

There’s no perfect solution to this issue, as you can’t change your partner’s sexual needs or kinky desires any more than he can change yours. But here are a few suggestions.

  • He can try being a service top. Some submissive men who find it hard to get into a dominant headspace can get there if you order them to do it.  Explain how you want to feel and tell him that it’s job to evoke those feelings or sensations in you. It might take time for your partner to find his footing, especially if he doesn’t have any experience taking on the role of a top. Some men are afraid they will hurt their partners—and not in a good way. So, communication is key. This kind of arrangement can be especially helpful if you have masochistic desires and like kinky play, although it might not quite scratch your itch if you truly want to feel submissive because you might feel like you are still really in charge. But if your partner’s role play skills get good enough, you could feel less like a femdomme and more like a docile (or bratty) submissive. And if your boyfriend or husband’s confidence grows, he might also discover the fun of switching from time to time.
  • Experiment. While there is no guarantee that your partner will end up enjoying being a dom or a top, sometimes we have preconceived notions about what we like and dislike. Just as some people have a stereotypical idea about what femdom looks like, your partner might have preconceived ideas about what it means to be a dom or to top a partner. Just like many women who might be turned off by stereotypical femdom find gentle femdom to be sexy and exciting, your partner might find elements of maledom stirring if you both explore fantasies and ideas together, forgoing the stereotypes and letting go of the idea that a dom needs to be stern or demanding. Daddy dommes are quite popular in the Scene these days, and they have a more nurturing quality that is similar to gentle femdom. But your partner does not even need to follow any specific example of dominance. You can create one yourself for your particular relationship.
  • Meet your needs elsewhere. Depending on your relationship structure, you might find a dom who can help bring out the submissive feelings you’ve craving. While some kinky couples are non-monogamous, this doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship. It can just involve non-sexual play. You might meet up with a play partner at a dungeon from time to time or he or she could give you tasks to complete that will reinforce a submissive state. For some F/m couples, this kind of dynamic can work nicely with a sexual component, especially if your partner has cuckolding fantasies—although I would recommend starting slowly with this kind of relationship structure, because it can bring out a lot of difficult emotions and isn’t for everyone.
  • End the relationship. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but if getting your submissive needs met is that important you and your partner is unable to meet those needs, you might think about whether the relationship will work out in the long run. There are many qualities that go into a successful relationship. So, if the rest of the relationship is working well, you might decide that fantasizing is enough. But if it’s not and your partner is unwilling or unable to meet those needs and you don’t want to add an outside party to your relationship, then you have to think seriously about whether you are compatible enough to be happy. Although both partners are kinky, this situation is really not so different from a kinky person who is involved with a vanilla person. It’s hard to “fake” desire. However, people’s tastes and desires can change over time.

Being a switch in a relationship with a sub can be a balancing act. Many relationships like these can work with compromise and communication, but ultimately, only you can decide what you need to be happy in relationship with someone. While some people feel that kink is the icing on the cake of their relationship, other see it as bedrock that needs to be fully stable for a relationship to survive and thrive.

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Five Kinkalicious Ways to Help Your Girlfriend Feel Like the Confident Domme She Was Born to Be

BDSM pink handcuffs

If you’re a lucky sub who’s scored the girl of his vanilla dreams AND she’s psyched to be your domme, you probably feel like you’ve hit the jackpot. But if your girlfriend or wife is new to femdom, she might feel nervous about her fresh role. Most women are taught both consciously and subconsciously to defer to men and place their needs second, and even though society is changing and encouraging women to be more empowered in their careers and personal lives, it can be difficult for a lot of women to truly embrace their own dominance.

However, since you’re such an appreciative subby partner who wants to encourage his lady to let out her inner domme, there are some things you should do and not do to help her feel her most confident and powerful.

  1. Tell her how amazing she is. There’s nothing like the power of a compliment, or a hundred, to make a woman realize just how special she is to you. Of course, you want to be genuine. Most women can spot a fake compliment a mile off. But let her know how smart, funny, beautiful, genuine and strong she is on a regular basis.
  2. Don’t leave all the scene planning to her unless she wants you to do that. One of the most common questions on femdom discussion forums involves a newbie domme asking what to do! While she might like the idea of being in charge, that doesn’t mean she knows what you like or even what exact things to try if you’re delving into kinky play. A lot of subs worry that it will seem like they’re trying to top from the bottom if they give their partners scene ideas, but unless you’re being demanding, she will likely welcome the conversation. Just stress that the choice is ultimately up to her. But if you take time to share fantasies and possibilities that you both find hot, it will probably help her relax.
  3. On the other hand, don’t be too controlling. This might seem like a narrow road to walk, but it’s really pretty simple.  While your partner might appreciate some ideas to get started, don’t criticize a scene or try to bend it to your will. Obviously, if something violates a limit of yours, let your partner know. And if something goes wrong, address it, but gently. You have to give her some room to grow as a dominant, even if that means you don’t get everything you want right away. Remember, you’re trying to help her find her footing as a domme, which will hopefully benefit you as well!
  4. Encourage her to talk to other women. If you’re out in your local Scene, see if there’s fedomme group your partner might want to attend where she could get to know other women and talk to them about questions or concerns she has. If you don’t want to go public and plan to keep your kink strictly in your own homes, there are still some great discussion groups on Reddit and Fetlife where new dommes can talk to more experienced dommes.
  5. Ask her! There are lots of different ways to be a domme. Some women prefer to receive service. Some prefer to receive pleasure. Some are more active in taking control both inside or outside of the bedroom. You will find that this will be a growing process for the both of you where you figure out what you like and don’t like. Keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you can be helpful. Your partner might not know what she likes at the beginning of your relationship, or even if she’s had some previous experiences, she might not know what she likes with you. Although you don’t want to continuously prod her with questions, setting up a weekly or monthly chat where you discuss where your relationship has been and where’s it’s going, can be useful for a couple.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one. But, in reality, the more confident and empowered you make your partner feel, the better a domme she’ll be! Take the time to show her how important she is, communicate about what you both want to explore and leave room for her to figure out her own style, and you will likely be rewarded for your efforts with an excited, engaged partner who is self-assured and fierce. 

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If a Domme Has Sex With Her Submissive, Is She Still Dominant?

female dominant sex

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

There is a weird misconception about femdom that if you are a female dominant, having sex with your male submissive makes you somehow less dominant. But this could not be farther from the truth. So, let’s talk about where this belief might come from and why it’s wrong. 

My first guess about where this stereotype developed is…as usual…porn. Because porn is typically developed by men and for men, it caters to typical male fantasies. 

Now, I’m not saying that the majority of male submissives actually never want to have sex with their female partners. In fact, I think the majority would be pretty sad if they couldn’t. But porn isn’t about reality. It’s about fantasy. And it can be a powerful fantasy for some men that they are denied sex by a woman they crave and only allowed to service her in other ways, such as by giving her all the oral sex she wants and denying their own pleasure.

There’s also a weird misogynistic viewpoint that’s kind of standard that women don’t really like PIV sex and that it’s something they only do for men. Therefore, it makes sense that within these fantasies, women wouldn’t “have” to have sex. That “burden” is lifted off of them, and instead, they only need to receive pleasure. 

Ironically, there’s also a big emphasis in femdom porn on pegging, which is when a woman penetrates a man anally with a strap on dildo. In a lot of femdom porn, the pegging replaces PIV sex. I believe this is because a lot of submissive men (and quite a few who aren’t submissive) fantasize about pegging and are afraid to ask for it from their partners because they worry it will make them appear less masculine. 

Also, some sub men have a desire to be humiliated. And they may consciously or subconsciously see pegging as somewhat humiliating, whether that’s because it’s anal play, which they may see as embarrassing or because it involves a woman penetrating them instead of them penetrating a woman. Plus, men have prostates, and pegging can just feel really good. 

I say that this is ironic because it’s hard for a woman to receive physical pleasure from pegging. Some strap on harnesses have pockets where you can insert a bullet vibrator to provide some sensation as you penetrate a man, and some women might get off on the grinding action and/or be mentally stimulated by the act. There are even a few dildos that are double ended, where she can wear one vaginally and also penetrate him anally. But since the majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, even a double ended dildo isn’t going to do it for most women. They also have a tendency not to stay put. A dildo isn’t attached to a woman. She can’t feel it. So, while lots of women do enjoy pegging for the mental and potential limited physical stimulation, pegging is likely to give a man more pleasure than a woman. 

So, that’s where I believe this misconception started. Now, about its accuracy? 

Most women enjoy having PIV sex with a partner who cares enough to help them enjoy it. Are there women who just don’t like having PIV sex? Sure. Like there are people who don’t enjoy a variety of sexual acts. I haven’t met one, but I know there are some guys out there who must not like blow jobs. 

I think the misconception about women not enjoying PIV sex started because there wasn’t a lot of education for or about women’s sexuality. Society didn’t place an emphasis on women enjoying sex, and because so many women do need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, lots of men weren’t providing what they needed to enjoy PIV sex. Foreplay doesn’t hurt either!

But we live in modern times now, and more women and men understand how to have sex that pleases both themselves and their partners. Most of the women I know, vanilla, bottom or top, enjoy PIV sex, the physical sensations it provides and the intimacy it allows for with partners. 

I don’t personally believe that sex is an inherently kinky act. I mean, vanilla people mostly have loving egalitarian sex. It’s the attitude with which you infuse the sex that makes it kinky. If you’re a domme, and you really like being on the bottom and receiving rough sex, it doesn’t make you any less dominant to ask for what you want. You’re in charge. It’s your sub’s desire to give you what you want and what  brings you pleasure. 

There are obviously some small physical choices that can make having PIV sex as a domme feel more dominant, such as being on top, lightly holding your partner’s throat or chin (get educated if you want to try breath play), or sticking your fingers in their mouth to suck as you have sex with them. You could forbid your sub to orgasm or tell him he can only orgasm after you do. You can talk dirty to him and tell him what a good boy he’s being for you. Or that he’s a bad boy and after you’re done, you’re going to give him the discipline he needs. 

The choices are endless. 

Essentially, there is nothing dominant or submissive about PIV sex. You shouldn’t let outdated, misogynistic stereotypes keep you from enjoying your pleasure or your partner. 

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