How to Use Fetlife: Use the Tool. Don’t Be One.

Not my toy bag…but not that far off….

I’ve been talking to a lot of men recently who have kinky interests that they’re trying to understand and figure out, and I ultimately end up directing them to check out Fetlife, because it’s basically kinky Facebook.

It’s hard to think of many other resources that would give them such access to learning about kink. A purely educational website like Kink Academy, which I love and was a member of for several years, can teach you a lot about how to do kink. I love, love, love Princess Kali.

But there really aren’t any other resources I can think of other than Fetlife that allow people to learn SO much about kink and meet SO many other kinksters. It really puts it all at your fingertips.

But I also realized that when I direct them there, I’m not necessarily explaining the best way for them to USE Fetlife. And that’s not doing them any favors, because it can be confusing. All of these sexy people? Doing sexy things? And showing off sex, sex, sex, kink, kink, kink…..

If you’re a guy who has been fantasizing about these things for years, and likely watching lot of porn, and maybe even talking to people like me on the phone (fantasy, people…it’s fantasy), I imagine it is quite confusing and very much a kid in the candy store feeling.

But, as any kinkster knows, men are generally given a lot less leeway in the Scene to screw up than women. (For good reason. Many more men are predators and do scary things than women.) And so many women on Fetlife are approached so often by guys, that most are generally tired of it and have little patience for random messages from random men. Even seemingly nice men.

I posted the other day about using Fetlife to attract women. And I think those suggestions were largely good ones. Some people disagreed with me, of course. And they are welcome to ALL OF THE PENIS pictures that have been displayed to me over the years.

But, I also pointed out that Fetlife isn’t a dating site. It can be used that way. I’ve used it that way. But it’s not kinky OK Cupid. And most of the women showing off there aren’t necessarily showing off to specifically attract men. Some are. For sex, love or profit. But some are just doing for it for feelings of empowerment. Assuming it is an invitation is a mistake.

I realized when trying to explain this to someone how many spoken and unspoken rules there are in the kink community. I made a few mistakes when I was new to the Scene. I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t get hurt too badly. But I looked and felt foolish and had my pride hurt. And because I was a woman, I think one or two mistakes were tolerated much more than they would have been if I was a cis-het man.

But that was all part of it. Joining Fetlife was just the start of learning for me. I didn’t just get on a website and say—okay—it’s all going to come to me. I didn’t even know what I wanted, really! I went to things. I started meeting people. It was so awkward. I tried things. I got hurt. I tried other things. I liked them. Got hurt again. I discovered more things that I did like and understood more about what I didn’t like, and along the way I made friends and connections and became a part of the community—a part of A community within the larger community. And I am still learning, and I look forward to going to events again when the pandemic is over.

You certainly don’t have to be on Fetlife or in the kink Scene to be kinky. Millions and millions of people have kinky fantasies, and a comparatively tiny number of them go to kink events or meet ups. But if you want to participate in the public kink Scene, then you have to put in the work to be a part of the community, like you would have to do to be a part of any community, learn any set of new skills.

The best way to utilize Fetlife as someone who is interested in kink and other kinky people but who feels unsure and is getting your footing is to go to meet ups. Those might be munches or happy hours. They are called different things in different places. But they are essentially vanilla gatherings of kinksters where you just hang out with other people and talk. You can make friends. Maybe flirt, if you’re lucky! People can see that you are a real person. And you can see that they actually look nothing those profile pictures…hmmmm. (My friend once told me to remember that a profile picture is the BEST you will ever see someone look. So, keep that in mind…especially people with penises for profile pictures.)

Another really useful thing to do is go to educational events. These are mostly online right now, which is good and bad. It’s bad because you miss out on the social aspect of the events. But it’s good because you have access to so many of them that were previously only in person. Take the opportunity to go to some virtual or in person events about topics that make you curious.

A third helpful thing might be to join groups. These could be local groups that host events. Or they could be groups related to topics or kinks you find interesting or sexy or even weird. Just make sure that when you join the groups, you pay attention to the rules and follow them.

So, now I feel like all of my future advice to visit Fetlife is going to be given with the caveat of this post. It is a tool to be used to begin your exploration in a way that is MORE than fantasy—if you want kink to be more than just fantasy. Which not everyone does.

I will say that I think that when you leave the fantasy behind some things get less hot. You realize that dommes do not live 24/7 in their tight latex and thigh high boots. You have to acknowledge them as people. And as much as I know some people will disagree with me, you have to accept that you cannot be a “slave” 24/7 because there is reality to live in and reality is not always kinky. You can be a slave, but you’re still a slave that walks the dog and buys groceries and probably plays board games and watches Netflix sometimes.

BUT some things get WAYYYYY more exciting! You get exposed to so many new things and experiences and people. You learn so much about yourself and your boundaries and standards and imagination. It isn’t a journey for everyone, by any means, but if you’re interested in taking it, be interested in putting in the effort.

Domme Bait: Part Two–The Dommening!

Here, sharky sharky sharky!

Hello, My Darling Deviants!

Yesterday’s post was getting so long! So, I decided to break it up into parts. Yesterday, I was writing about how subby guys can write a nice profile on Fetlife if they’re looking for a relationship.

A caveat. Fetlife isn’t a dating site. Yada yada. Everyone says this. And it’s true. But lots of people do use it to find partners. You can totally be on Fetlife NOT looking for relationships. You should absolutely feel free to do whatever you want there. These are simply my suggestions for how to write a profile that stands above others.

I also totally forgot to mention names. I strongly suggest not having a name like Slave4U4Ever or BitchBoy98762. Why? Well, they aren’t creative. And they totally lead with your kinks, which is a big no no. Women worth investing time in aren’t looking for a KINK. They are looking for a PERSON. You are not a slave. Yes, you may fantasize about being a slave. But you are not one. Your name is John or Bill or Ted or whatever, and you are a human being. Act like one.

Okay. So, let’s get down to it. I’m going to do a sample profile for a subby guy who likes sci-fi, board games and some sports. (I don’t know much about sports.) Kinkwise, he’s into bondage, tickling and cuckolding, among other things.

Hi! I’m CthuluforPresident!

Tentacle monsters are my jam. Also basketball. Go, Lakers! And occasionally being tied up for women’s amusement.

I’m mostly here to meet new people and learn more about myself. And form a kinky D&D club in my city. Unless there already is one? If not, why isn’t there?

As you can probably tell, I have a thing for sci-fi. I love Orson Scott Card and Neal Stephenson. “SevenEves” was amazing! I also liked “The Martian,” the book and the movie, and I just finished reading “The Three Body Project.” Did you like it as much as I did? If so, let’s talkl!

I’m also into sports. (Insert things about sports if you know about them.) I try to stay active. I’m into hiking and skiing, and would love to find some hiking buddies in the area. And I also love tabletop games. I DO actually play in a local D&D game, and you can usually find me haunting the local game shop when a new title comes out.

As for kink, my biggest interests right now are bondage, tickling and cuckolding. (I’m not going to tell you where I’m ticklish. Finding out is half the fun.) But I’m always open to learning more about my likes and dislikes, especially with a guiding partner.

I’m definitely interested in being more active in the community and finding my “dream domme,” but that can be especially hard during COVID. I’m open to all kinds of connections with people in my area, including friendships and relationships. So, please feel free to say hi–giant tentacle monsters included. I’m very inclusive.

So, this is a random profile pretending to be a guy. I don’t know if I nailed it. But I think it’s a decent approximation of what a nice profile looks like. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. It tells about the person. It doesn’t lead with kinks but doesn’t ignore them either. It shows some flexibility. It asks for people to reach out and say hello regardless of romantic intent, which is non-threatening.

Let me know what you think? Do you think your Fetlife profile is awesome and want to share it? (I know. No pressure.) Let me know!

Creating a Domme Bait Profile on Fetlife (This is Way Less Creepy Than It Sounds.)

This picture suddenly seems weirdly kinky to me now.

Hello, My Darling Deviants!

I’ve written about Fetlife messages before, mostly the lame ones that get guys tossed in the trash bin.

Hello, Generic Mistress/Queen/Goddess,

It’s clear this is copy pasta and how can I serve you mmm….I’ll bet your pussy tastes so good. I love dominates. Cuckold my pathetic tiny penis, please.
Love, your pathetic servant forever.

PS.  I’ll do ANYTHING for you.  

Ha ha. I’m so mean.

It’s really the “dominate” that gets me. I feel like if you don’t know the difference between dominate and dominant, it’s not going to work between us.

BUT….I do digress!

Today, I’m NOT going to write about Fetlife messages. NO. I am going to write about Fetlife profiles, specifically for subby men. And I feel that I am qualified to do this because:

  1. My personal Fetlife profile is totally awesome. You’ll never get to see it. Sad for you.
  2. I met my BF on Fetlife because HE had an awesome profile that interested me. So, this is totally non-scientific anecdotal proof that you can meet toppy women on Fetlife if you seem interesting! (And cute. I mean, cute doesn’t hurt.)

So, what I wanted to talk about was my suggestions for subby guys creating a profile on Fetlife for the purposes of meeting women. (If that’s not what you care about, feel free to totally disregard and go on with your bad self.) I want to talk about some things to avoid, and some things I think make a good profile. Let’s dig in.

  1. No penis pictures. Out of the gate, this is just a no. MAYBE you can have one VERY artfully penis shot somewhere in your pictures, but you are slipping that one in under the radar. Under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES ever, do you make that your profile pictures. Double no for a caged cock. Nobody cares. Double double triple no for your asshole. Plugged or unplugged. All it says is, “Serve my penis, please random woman.”
  2. I totally get that many people don’t want to show their faces on Fetlife. I have very few face pictures, and they are set to friends only. But if you can’t show your face, or part of your face (the smile is nice..or eyes), then try to show some kind of body shot with some personality. You don’t have to be hiking or skiing or do the popular yoga OKCupid poses, but you want your profile picture to give people some sense of your character.
  3. If you have a nice body, there’s no harm in showing it off. But not naked. You can have an artful naked pic or two in your pictures, but your profile picture should be clothed or at least wearing pants. I mean, unless you are totally hot. In which case, you don’t need any of this advice. Just be gorgeous. The ladies will flock. I am assuming you’re like a relatively normal looking person. I’m also even going to suggest NOT using fetish wear in your profile pic. I do love a cute boy in panties, but I don’t want to feel he’s leading with that.
  4. Pictures are great. They give people a sense of who you are. You can always include funny memes or pictures of things that are really important to you. Pets. Cars. Books. Hobbies. Remember that you’re trying to make connections with people. Give them something to identify with in your pictures and your words. I know it’s harder for me to be seductive in photos than women, but get a little familiar with filters and how to frame a shot. Women almost always are careful about the photos they present. You should be too.
  5. Okay. Let’s move past pictures and go to the actual profile now. The number one thing I DO NOT want you to do is lead with your kinks. Want to be approached by predatory women who aren’t actually interested in a relationship? Then make it clear that you aren’t either by ONLY focusing on how much you love bondage or cuckolding or SPH or chastity or whatever your kinks are. Yes. Fetlife is a kink site, but it’s like kinky Facebook. I can tell you that I don’t care at all if you like tease and denial if I see nothing else interesting about you as a person. I am not looking for a T&D object. I’m looking for a person I like who also happens to like T&D.
  6. Subby guys tend to make this mistake because….I don’t really know why. They get this idea that the woman they’re looking for has some kind of checklist in her head about the things she wants a partner to DO for her…how he can SERVE her. Now, I am not a service oriented domme, and I know I’m biased because of that. But I really believe that if you are looking for an actual relationship, you don’t want to be in one with a woman who only cares about the service you can provide to her and not about who you are as an actual person. So, I strongly suggest not listing off the things you want to DO for a domme. In fact, I strongly suggest not focusing on other people at all—but instead just focusing on what makes you an interesting person.
  7. So, that gets to the meat and potatoes. You talk about yourself. I know not everyone can be as witty as me. 😉 But you don’t really have to be witty or funny, although it doesn’t hurt. What you want to do is introduce yourself. Tell people a little about who you are and the things you like. Being specific is really good. Don’t just say, “I like watching TV and movies.” Say, “I like sci-fi. Star Trek over Star Wars forever.” Don’t just say, “I like music.” Say, “I have listened to the Hamilton soundtrack three times a day for over a year.” (That’s just me.) Whatever you say, just remember that you are looking to make connections—not in a creepy way. In a normal way. What do you look for when you meet other people? Things you have in common. Things you find interesting about them. You want to give people a chance to find those same things in you.

Well, this has gotten very long! I will follow up tomorrow with an example profile. I hope this helped. If you disagree with me—well, you are wrong. But you can free to tell me so. 😉

Have a great day and feel free to give me money if you land an amazing domme because of my ultimate wisdom. I’ll also take an invite to the wedding.

How to Write a Nice, Not Creepy Message on Fetlife, So Ladies Like You (and Don’t Block You).

fem domme in black dress

What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person.

Hello men of Fetlife! I have met many nice specimens of you in real life. You are polite, even charming! Some of you look quite adorable in your underwear. However, it seems that quite a few of you do not know how to approach a woman online.

Let me help.

As a domme on Fetlife, I get many unsolicited messages, usually from 20 year olds with MILF fantasies. However, that does not mean that I get many interesting unsolicited messages. In fact, since I’m quite satisfied with my relationship arrangements right now, it has to be a pretty riveting message for me to even think of replying.

Men seem to think that just because women get a lot of interest on dating apps (which Fetlife is not really, but can be used in that way—sometimes), that means that quality equals quantity. It does not. I cannot tell you the number of messages I receive that are one sentence long, show that the person has taken zero interest in me as a human being, and make it glaringly clear that the same message has likely been sent out to 50 other women all in a row.

A lot of men fail to realize a few simple facts that would help their chances of getting responses from women. I didn’t say dates. Once you get a response, you’re on your own. But responses.

  1. I am not interested in your penis before I am interested in you. Penises, in general, are pretty similar, and unless they are attached to an interesting brain and cute face (quite subjective), pictures and references to them are rather dull.
  2. I am also not interested in learning about your kinks before I learn about you. It’s not spanking any guy that gets me hot. It’s spanking a guy I like who turns on my brain.
  3. When you like my picture and write to me and then I go to your wall and see you’ve liked twenty other pictures in the last 10 minutes, that doesn’t make me feel very special. And I like to feel special.
  4. When you don’t pay attention to what I’m looking for, it is obvious you didn’t read my profile. Meaning, no, I don’t want to be your sub-slut unicorn for you and your wife. I’m mostly straight, a domme, and I said I’m only looking for friendship and events—or can’t you read?
  5. It’s dominant. Not dominate. Okay. Maybe I’m getting picky now. We aren’t all spelling whizzes.

What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person. Notice what she’s looking for. Is she even interested in dating? If not, consider you intentions in writing to her and adjust accordingly. Remember that you are an actual person—hopefully with hopes and dreams and interests beyond say, having your urethra sounded. Because there’s only so much sounding that one can do in a day, and after that you’re going to have to learn some conversational skills.

So, here is a sample letter you might use to approach me or other women on Fetlife. Think of it kind of like a kinky but polite Madlibs.

Dear Gentle Domme,

Hello! I am writing to you because the picture I saw of you ____________ was very intriguing to me because ________.

I then looked extensively at your profile because I am actually interested in you as a person and not a fetish dispenser, where I saw you were interested in __________. What a coincidence! I am also interested in ___________. I remember when I _____________ the____________ of the _______________. I also noticed that you liked _____________. That’s unusual. Can you tell more about it?

In my personal life, I enjoy ___________ because ____________ and in my professional life I ________________. I also really love _______________ , which I know is a little weird, but everyone has their quirks!

I won’t bother telling you about my kinks because that would be presumptuous since you can read all about them on my profile. You seem like a _________ woman, and I think we might get along because _________.

I saw that you were going to the __________ event. I’m also attending. It would be cool to get a chance to chat!

I hope you have a great day!

Random polite normal intelligent Fetlife guy

I can’t promise that following these guidelines will get you responses. But I can promise that you won’t look like every other twatwaffle who gets a raised eyebrow and an eye roll. Remember that cold calls have about a 1-3% success rate for scoring an appointment. But the rate jumps to 40% if you have a referral.

So, that’s a strong argument for leaving the computer once in a while and hitting up a munch or two. Isn’t it?

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