The Foolproof Way to Catch a Gentle Femdom: Hint. Remember She’s a Woman First.

dominant woman with crop on feet

Since the name of my blog is The Gentle Domme, it’s likely that part of the reason you’re here is because you want a specific kind of femdom, a gentle femdom. You want a woman who can take control, but do it sweetly and make it clear that she loves and adores you, despite what “torture” she might inflict upon your naughty bits.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

There is no official test to identify someone as a femdomme or a gentle femdomme or a mean femdomme or even a dragon femdomme (except that maybe the fire breathing, scales, wings and love for hoarding gold could be a tip off). You can identify however you want, and it’s really up to people within each and every relationship to negotiate their own dynamics.

But for the sake of this blog, we’re going to define gentle femdom as femdom lite. There is more kissing and praising, less beating and name calling, more tender embarrassment, less degradation and humiliation, more teasing and honor chastity play, less CBT and cock cages that chafe.

The good thing about wanting a gentle femdom is that I believe they are relatively easy to find, if you let go of some preconceived notions about what you are looking for and where to look for it.

The first place people in a “niche market” think to go these days to find a partner is online. And if you’re into kink, the default website is Fetlife. Fetlife isn’t technically a dating site. It’s not organized like one. It’s more like kinky Facebook. There’s no harm in starting your search there. But remember that it will be easier to decide if you actually like someone and if they actually like you if you meet in person. So, do try to get away from the computer and use Fetlife to check out local events in your area.

When perusing Fetlife for potential partners, I would avoid profiles like Mistress_Goddess_Cockkiller888 who define themselves by what they like to do to men and have a harsh tone in their writing. Instead, consider women who don’t even label themselves as dommes. Look for tops, switches, kinksters, even women who say they are exploring and talk about who they are as people and what they are looking for outside of just kink.

When men go “domme hunting,” they think they are looking for someone who has her sexuality all figured out. But sexuality is fluid, and many younger women don’t even find their top sides until they gain some age, confidence and maturity. In short, don’t rule out women because they aren’t fitting a stereotypical image of a domme. They might not even know they are dommes yet, even though they are interested.  If you read a little deeper into a lot of women’s profiles, you’ll see that many bottoms also like to top, that many switches are into the idea of some F/m D/s but haven’t had the chance to really explore it yet.

I give this same advice for using vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid or even meeting women in person, through friends. The great thing about gentle femdom is that what turns a lot of women off from the idea of femdomme is a fear of being mean. Women are socialized to not be bossy, to not assert themselves to the detriment of someone else’s feelings.

But gentle femdom isn’t mean—usually—at least when you start out. 😉 It’s quite nurturing. Women are definitely socialized to be nurturing. So, if you find a sexually adventurous woman who isn’t too hung up on ideas about stereotypical and harmful beliefs regarding male strength and weakness, there’s a good chance she will at least give topping a man she likes a try.

That doesn’t mean she will discover she’s into it, or into it all the time.  And it doesn’t mean that she will necessarily want a full-time D/s relationship. But there are more women than most submissive men think who would be open to kinky play and power exchange in a relationship. They just get so hung up on finding a woman who looks like the women they’ve seen in porn or in fantasies, maybe partially because they are nervous and new and think that kind of women will know what to do, that they become sort of domme-blind to the women who might be their dream gentle dommes in a loving, playful relationship.

Yes. One on hand, if you’re both new or unsure, it will take a little time to find your groove as a couple. But, on the hand, you get to learn together what you both like and dislike. It’s a journey you take together. Essentially, my advice boils down to this. Dommes are women first, dommes second, or third or fourth, depending on their priorities. Especially when you’re looking for a gentle femdom, which usually involves relatively light play and loving relationship dynamics, don’t rule out women who don’t look or act like a stereotypical domme. If they are open and you have chemistry, there’s a good chance your relationship could bring out her domme side, benefitting you

The In-Depth Guide to Finding a Femdomme in the Wild: Part Two

dominant woman foot worship

In part one of this article we discussed the myth that dominant women are a rare as Targaryen dragons and talked about the kinds of women you might encounter when you’re looking for a female dominant, from women who will never be into being dominant ever to women who want a complete female led relationship. We also touched on how certain kinks could make it tougher to find a partner.

In this article, let’s get more practical about the search itself. And let’s work from easy to hard.

If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult. Yes, there will still be women who will want nothing to do with your kinks. But it’s likely that if you just date regularly and choose women who seem open-minded, a fair number of them will be game for being sexually adventurous with you.

If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult.

That doesn’t mean that you will get what you want all the time. All relationships require compromise. If you date a somewhat vanilla woman, she may still want vanilla sex some of the time. If you date a kinky switch, she might want you to take control some of the time, which could be challenging if you don’t feel you can do that. But if you date widely and are appropriately honest about your kinks, it’s almost as likely as anyone that you’ll find the femdomme love of your life…or at least the sometime femdomme love of your life.

And what does “appropriately honest” mean? It means that if you meet someone through OKCupid, you might put a few hints in your profile, such as, “I like assertive women,” or, “I like women who can take control.” If you really want to be brave, you can simply say that you’re into being submissive. You might turn off some women but be catnip to the ones you want to find you!

But once you’re out on a date with someone, don’t lead with your kinks. No one wants to feel like a fetish dispenser. See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM. If you do, be fairly straightforward before things get too hot and heavy and gauge her reaction. If she seems open or even excited, press on. If not, take stock of the situation and reconsider if this woman will be right for you. But be aware that no matter how excited she seems, unless she tells you flat out, “I’m really into being dominant with men, and that’s all I want,” she will be a human being with varied desires. Remember to treat her like one.

See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM.

Honestly, you can meet these kinds of women anywhere you would meet any other kinds of women. As long as they don’t have a lot of sexual hang ups or very preconceived notions about femininity and masculinity, which, to be fair, a good number of people do have, there’s a decent shot that they would be open to some femdom fun, at least part of the time.

Another obvious place to meet women into femdom is on Fetlife, which is basically Facebook for kinksters. People on Fetlife will go out of their way to tell you that it ISN’T a dating site. And it’s true that it’s not built that way and dominant women do get a lot of rude and boring messages in their inboxes from men who seem to forget they’re talking to actual people. But you can use Fetlife effectively to meet dominant women. (Another resource is CollarMe, which isn’t quite as robust as Fetlife but is designed to be a dating site for kinksters.)

The best way is by going to local events in your area. The most low key of these events will be munches or happy hours, groups of kinksters who have lunch or dinner or drinks together at restaurants or bars. Check the list of who might be going. See anyone who looks interesting? Get off the computer and go. It can seem daunting to attend a munch your first time or two, but these are vanilla events. No one expects anything of you except to show up and be polite and pay your tab.  Even if you don’t see a hot domme on the list, it could still be worth it to go. You might meet someone who knows someone they think you would be perfect for.

Another possible way to meet dommes on Fetlife is by writing polite and well-thought out messages to women who seem interesting. The stress here is on polite and well-thought out. Women who announce themselves as dominant on Fetlife DO get a lot of messages. But most of them show very little thought or creativity. If you create a smart profile for yourself that showcases who you are as an entire person and not just a collection of kinks and take the time to read someone’s profile and message them in a nice way, there’s a good shot they will at least be polite back. That’s about all you can expect when dealing with strangers. But there have definitely been F/m couples who met through Fetlife messaging.

Reading someone’s profile can also help you understand if you are looking for the same thing, which can be especially important if you like to play in the deeper end of the pool or have any kinks that can be a turnoff to a fair number of people, like watersports. If you’re looking for a bedroom only dynamic and you approach a woman looking for an FLR (female led relationship), that’s not going to be the best fit. If you’re really into dressing like a sissy and a woman says she isn’t into sissy play, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. On the other hand, maybe you’ll find a woman who LOVES sissies! Even so, don’t forget in your excitement that she is a fully formed human being who doesn’t think about sissies all the time. And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.

And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.

Last, do remember that some women on Fetlife are pro-dommes. This means they charge money for their services, at least some of the time. (Some pro-dommes also have relationships outside of their work.) Often, they will announce this, but some might not. There’s nothing wrong with being a pro-domme or using a pro-domme’s services. But just be aware that there is a difference between a pro-domme, who charges money, and a lifestyle domme, who doesn’t. It might feel disappointing if you think you’ve found the love of your life, but she only sees you as a client.

The In-Depth Guide to Finding a Femdomme in the Wild: Part One

femdom tied up bondage man

Whether you’re a man who has been having femdom fantasies since you hit puberty or one who only recently started to long for a woman who will take charge of you, it can feel daunting to try and locate the “mythical creature” that is the femdom.

Just kidding. Dominant women aren’t mythical, although it might feel that way if you go about your search incorrectly.

First things first. No. All women are not going to be into dominating you, sexually or otherwise. There are lots of studies done about this. Many people have kinky fantasies involving power exchange—in fact, the majority of people do. You’re hardly alone. But that doesn’t mean that the majority of women have kinky fantasies about tying men up and spanking them. However, as much as the myth abounds that there are 3 billion submissive men to 1 dominant woman—a drought of dominant women, that’s really not true, if you’re just smart about your search.

There are, generally speaking, several kinds of women to think about, if you’re looking for a femdomme.

  1. Women who are never going to be into it no matter what. These women are either totally sexually submissive by nature or just enjoy purely vanilla sex. They don’t want to stick their fingers in your mouth and call you a good boy, and they never will. It’s about as appealing to them as soggy peas. They MIGHT try to go along with your ideas if they really like you, but it’s not likely to last since it’s not something they enjoy. (See a thousand Reddit posts about “Trying to get my wife to dominate me but she doesn’t want to! What can I do?” The answer is—nothing. She doesn’t want to.)
  • Women who might not regularly fantasize about femdom but are adventurous. Kinky switchy women would fall into this category. They enjoy having control sometimes, but other times they want to be the ones bound and asking for mercy. Or this could also be a woman who has mostly been with vanilla partners or dominant men and hasn’t had a chance to explore this side of herself but finds it appealing if you bring it up. That is to say, don’t automatically count this kind of woman out because she’s not advertising herself as a bonafide femdomme. She just might be the droid you’re looking for.
  • Women who acknowledge they’re into dominating men. Now, most women aren’t going to share this information in vanilla settings. It’s not usually something one talks about at work. But some women are pretty honest about it in their personal lives. Or they might hint on vanilla dating websites or be completely out about it on kinky websites like Fetlife. How to approach dommes and tops on Fetlife is a post in itself. So, for now, just know that they exist there.
  • Women who acknowledge they’re into dominating men and want an FLR. An FLR stands for female led relationship. This is a term you’re not likely to hear about in the vanilla world. But it’s important to know. Because if a woman says she wants an FLR, that means she wants to be in control not just during sexy times or agreed upon playtime, but pretty much all the time. A lot of men just getting into femdom think this sounds really hot. But for most women into FLRs, although hot femdom kinky times may be part of it, the real thrill or need is in actual control of the relationship itself. Not quite as sexy if you’re the one doing the dishes all the time. Or is it?

The level of how much femdom you want or need in your life is important to think about when you’re looking for a partner who shares your proclivities. Are you just looking for a woman who will sometimes take control in the bedroom, give you a good, old fashioned over the knee spanking or bind you up in furry handcuffs and tell you that you’ve been a naughty boy? If so, finding a woman who will enjoy this some of the time won’t be THAT difficult. A lot of sexually adventurous women will be up for these light kind of bedroom games at least once in a while.

But if you’re looking for a true female led relationship, those women will be harder to find simply because there are fewer of them. If you’re not really into being control all the time, that can start to feel like a lot of work, especially because some men interpret an FLR not as him serving a woman’s needs ALL the time, but more as a woman serving HIS kinky desires ALL the time.

The level of how much femdom you want or need in your life is important to think about when you’re looking for a partner who shares your proclivities.

Something else to consider is if you have any special kinks that might make it harder to find a partner. For example, a fair number of men have foot fetishes. And while most women aren’t going to turn down a lot of foot massages or presents of new, pretty shoes, most probably aren’t going to appreciate it if you only focus your passions on their feet. And for some people toe sucking is hot. For others, it’s repulsive.

Some men into femdom also enjoy cross dressing, for various reasons that we will discuss in future articles. That can be a hard sell for a lot of women, who like their men to appear “manly.” If you have a special kink—a true fetish you need to explore with a partner, be prepared to either search longer or make compromises. For example, foot massages are in and toe sucking is out. Or cross dressing is something I do with a pro-domme or as a very special treat, but not all the time. 

Continue to Part Two of How to Find a Femdomme in the Wild….

How to Write a Nice, Not Creepy Message on Fetlife, So Ladies Like You (and Don’t Block You).

fem domme in black dress

What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person.

Hello men of Fetlife! I have met many nice specimens of you in real life. You are polite, even charming! Some of you look quite adorable in your underwear. However, it seems that quite a few of you do not know how to approach a woman online.

Let me help.

As a domme on Fetlife, I get many unsolicited messages, usually from 20 year olds with MILF fantasies. However, that does not mean that I get many interesting unsolicited messages. In fact, since I’m quite satisfied with my relationship arrangements right now, it has to be a pretty riveting message for me to even think of replying.

Men seem to think that just because women get a lot of interest on dating apps (which Fetlife is not really, but can be used in that way—sometimes), that means that quality equals quantity. It does not. I cannot tell you the number of messages I receive that are one sentence long, show that the person has taken zero interest in me as a human being, and make it glaringly clear that the same message has likely been sent out to 50 other women all in a row.

A lot of men fail to realize a few simple facts that would help their chances of getting responses from women. I didn’t say dates. Once you get a response, you’re on your own. But responses.

  1. I am not interested in your penis before I am interested in you. Penises, in general, are pretty similar, and unless they are attached to an interesting brain and cute face (quite subjective), pictures and references to them are rather dull.
  2. I am also not interested in learning about your kinks before I learn about you. It’s not spanking any guy that gets me hot. It’s spanking a guy I like who turns on my brain.
  3. When you like my picture and write to me and then I go to your wall and see you’ve liked twenty other pictures in the last 10 minutes, that doesn’t make me feel very special. And I like to feel special.
  4. When you don’t pay attention to what I’m looking for, it is obvious you didn’t read my profile. Meaning, no, I don’t want to be your sub-slut unicorn for you and your wife. I’m mostly straight, a domme, and I said I’m only looking for friendship and events—or can’t you read?
  5. It’s dominant. Not dominate. Okay. Maybe I’m getting picky now. We aren’t all spelling whizzes.

What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person. Notice what she’s looking for. Is she even interested in dating? If not, consider you intentions in writing to her and adjust accordingly. Remember that you are an actual person—hopefully with hopes and dreams and interests beyond say, having your urethra sounded. Because there’s only so much sounding that one can do in a day, and after that you’re going to have to learn some conversational skills.

So, here is a sample letter you might use to approach me or other women on Fetlife. Think of it kind of like a kinky but polite Madlibs.

Dear Gentle Domme,

Hello! I am writing to you because the picture I saw of you ____________ was very intriguing to me because ________.

I then looked extensively at your profile because I am actually interested in you as a person and not a fetish dispenser, where I saw you were interested in __________. What a coincidence! I am also interested in ___________. I remember when I _____________ the____________ of the _______________. I also noticed that you liked _____________. That’s unusual. Can you tell more about it?

In my personal life, I enjoy ___________ because ____________ and in my professional life I ________________. I also really love _______________ , which I know is a little weird, but everyone has their quirks!

I won’t bother telling you about my kinks because that would be presumptuous since you can read all about them on my profile. You seem like a _________ woman, and I think we might get along because _________.

I saw that you were going to the __________ event. I’m also attending. It would be cool to get a chance to chat!

I hope you have a great day!

Random polite normal intelligent Fetlife guy

I can’t promise that following these guidelines will get you responses. But I can promise that you won’t look like every other twatwaffle who gets a raised eyebrow and an eye roll. Remember that cold calls have about a 1-3% success rate for scoring an appointment. But the rate jumps to 40% if you have a referral.

So, that’s a strong argument for leaving the computer once in a while and hitting up a munch or two. Isn’t it?

Five Not So Kinky but Hopefully Helpful Tips to Remember When Attending Your First Munch

kink paraphernalia

Okay. So, you found Fetlife, and you discovered there’s this entire world of kinky people out there! Which also means there’s an entire world of kinky submissive guys who want to be dominated and kinky femdommes who want to do it! But how do you meet these people? Are you really going to have to leave the safety of your house and your nice, non-judgmental computer?

Yes, indeed. You are going to step away from that computer, be brave and go to your first munch.

What is a munch anyway?

You don’t need to be afraid that there’s going to be a lot of visible latex and a cute lady holding a paddle at the door. (You also don’t need to get your hopes up!)

It’s basically just a group of kinky people getting together and talking.  (The term originally came from a burger munch.) Maybe there will be some eating and drinking too. There’s not going to be any leather or whips, and unfortunately, no one is probably going to offer to beat you in the bathroom. I’m not saying it could NEVER happen, but don’t count on it.

Munches are usually held in vanilla establishments like restaurants and bars, and group organizers realize that a lot of people don’t want to be outed as being kinky. So, they will generally go out of their way to give the group some kind of innocuous name or acronym and discourage loud talk about kink. You don’t need to be afraid that there’s going to be a lot of visible latex and a cute lady holding a paddle at the door. (You also don’t need to get your hopes up!)

In fact, don’t be surprised if you go to a munch and you don’t hear much talk about kink at all. People will talk about all kinds of things like their families, hobbies, politics, what they’ve been reading or watching on TV. But also don’t be surprised if some people don’t want to share too much information about their private lives. It will depend on the person and how comfortable they are being “out.”

I know it can be scary going to a munch. You’re new to all of this. You’re worried these people aren’t going to accept you. It IS a big step, but if you want to actually meet some kinky people offline, this is a good way to do it. So, here are five tips to help you survive your first munch.

  1. Remember that these are just human beings. If you don’t already have friends in the kink Scene, you may imagine that kinky people who come out to socialize are going to be intimidating or weird. And, while there are definitely weird people in the Scene (you might be one of them), almost everyone you meet at a munch is going to be polite and friendly. Groups organizers want new people to come to their events. You will be surprised to see very stereotypically “normal” looking people at munches. You may see your high school math teacher there. That guy who fixed your computer last month? He’s definitely going to be there with his D@D set.
  2. There are different kinds of “munches.” A munch is typically held at a restaurant. Most of the ones I’ve been to have been at long tables. People generally find a seat and stay there during the munch. But there are other kinds of gatherings that are similar to traditional munches. In some cities, you might find happy hour events or events held at bars or even game nights. Kinksters tend to avoid mixing alcohol and play for safety reasons, but there is usually no play at these kinds of social events. So, if a traditional munch isn’t for you, try similar opportunities for socialization that allow more movement.
  3. Don’t worry if you feel like an outsider at first. Although people at munches are likely going to be nice to newbies, remember that a lot of people at them may know each other already. It’s not that they want to be rude or make you feel like you’re not included, but you might need to go on a regular basis to build up friendships and show you’re a polite and trustworthy person, and then soon you too will be part of the in-crowd.
  4. Munches are a good place to learn more about your local Scene. Although Fetlife can tell you about events in your area, you will learn a lot more about what those events are actually like from real people. Although people at munches are generally pretty discreet, you can quietly ask people about upcoming events and get a sense of what’s popular and acceptable in your community and what’s not.
  5. Don’t dismiss a munch just because you don’t see anyone “interesting” on the list of who is attending. Especially if you’re looking for a partner, it can be tempting to look at the list of who is planning to attend a munch and decide not to bother if you don’t see any hotties on the list. But this is a mistake for several reasons. First, kinksters tend to place a high value on reputation. If you get to know people in the community, it will be much easier to find play partners in general then if you’re a random person no one has actually met. Second, even if there isn’t anyone at the munch who you might see as relationship material, you might meet a new friend. And, as a bonus, maybe your new friend knows just the right dominant lady or submissive gentleman for you.

So, good luck and get munching! Burgers optional.