I Can’t Be a Domme. I Like Giving Pleasure Too Much. And Other Such Nonsense!

sensual domination wax play

I had an interesting but unexpected brief conversation with a friend the other day. My friend identifies as kinky with bottom tendencies. She’s new to the public Scene. I was telling her about the orgasm denial I’d been doing with my submissive and she said, “See. That’s why I can’t be a domme. I like giving pleasure too much.”

If I’d had time, I would have stopped my friend and explained why she was very wrong and how what she said was unintentionally insulting, but we were at a bar, and the music was loud, and she slipped away. My friend is an intelligent, open-minded woman, and I assume she can’t be the only person with this belief. So, instead of correcting her, I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.

I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.

While I cannot speak for all dommes, since all women are different, I love giving pleasure to my sub! I love, love, love it! I love topping! I usually like it much more than bottoming. 

I should say that D/s is not about topping and bottoming. D/s is about control. Topping and bottoming are about who is doing and who is receiving. There are definitely dommes who like to remain in control but only receive pleasure, or service, or some combination of them both. And that also doesn’t mean they are necessarily selfish. There are some subs who love service topping!

But most of the dommes I know enjoy topping their partners—doing things to them, at least some of the time. Those things might not always look like pleasure to vanilla folks. But they are often pleasurable to kinky folks, or pleasurable in their painfulness.

My friend had an image of a domme as a woman who only receives pleasure. She’s possibly suffering from the belief that a lot of new dommes have, which is that, “If I do X, it will make me less domly.” For example, a new domme might worry that if she gives her submissive a blow job, it will seem submissive. A blow job is generally something you do for a person with a penis to explicitly make them feel good.  You also are usually physically lower to the ground when giving a blow job, on your knees or between someone else’s legs on a bed. Since a femdomme is supposed to be powerful, how can she be on her knees for a man? How can she be between his legs? A powerful, dominant woman would never stoop so low!

No particular action I do as a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action.

But that’s completely ridiculous.

No particular action I do as a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action. If I ordered my submissive to give my face a rough fucking while I was on my knees in front of him, he would be following my directions. And I’ve done that plenty of times because sometimes I actually like feeling a little out of control and used. It doesn’t change the dynamics of our relationship because they are already defined. It’s just an activity that we do, a role play, a scene.

But more often, I like giving long, slow, teasing blow jobs, where my submissive knows who is in control and that it’s definitely not him. I stretch them out and listen to his whimpers and moans, his fear that he won’t be able to come mingled with his fear that I’ll actually let him.

Am I giving him pleasure? You bet I am! I certainly hope so!

I’m the kind of woman who goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab, lick, pinch and bite my prey.  I am an active participant in kink and in sex.

I’m the kind of woman who goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab, lick, pinch and bite my prey.  I am an active participant in kink and in sex. When I’m doing a man, I’m getting to experience his reactions. I get to see his face contort with delight or pain or fear. I get to see his muscles tense. I get to listen to the noises he makes for me, the way his body can’t help dripping with anticipation. In fact, I like giving more than getting, because for me, sex is a very intellectual pursuit. It’s not the physical part that really turns me on. It’s the mental part.

I don’t want to pretend that there aren’t dommes out there who are primarily bottoms. Of course there are, and if that works for them and for their partners, it’s totally fine. But it hurts my heart to think that a woman worries she can’t take control because she believes that inherently means she can’t be giving as well. Even though I practice largely what I would call gentle femdom, any flavor of domme can enjoy giving pleasure while still keeping control and her dominance.

Can You Be a Gentle Femdomme and a Sadist Too? The (Mostly) Painless Truth!

sadistic femdom scratching

The answer to this question, like so many things in kink, is it depends who you’re asking. I believe that you can be into gentle femdom and be a sadist as well, because I think that gentle femdom has more to do with attitude than activities.

I believe that you can be into gentle femdom and be a sadist as well, because I think that gentle femdom has more to do with attitude than activities.

I do think there are certain sadistic activities that tend not to generally lend themselves to gentle femdom. For example, I don’t know many, if any, gentle dommes who are also into ball busting. But I’m sure there are a few out there who would tell you they feel no discrepancy between kicking a man in his family jewels and cradling him in their lap after telling him what a good job he did taking the pain.

Sadism and masochism are spectrums. A bare-handed spanking can feel sensual and tingly or really, really hurt and leave you bruised for days! A Wartenburg wheel against your skin can feel just a little stingy or, if pressed hard enough, make you bleed. And tolerance for pain tends to increase with sexual arousal, so something that might hurt a lot when you’re not very turned on can start to feel pretty damned good when you are. Personally, I enjoy the feeling of hot wax dripped on my skin, but my partner finds it painful in a very unpleasant way.

I consider myself both a gentle domme and a bit of a sadist.

I consider myself both a gentle domme and a bit of a sadist. I like getting reactions from partners, and those reactions can be whimpers or moans or pleasure or pain. Some of my favorite sadistic activities are the kind that are mean in the sense that they torment a man but that aren’t dangerous. For example, I like to tie someone up and tickle him, watching him writhe and beg for me to stop. I also love tease and denial, edging someone to just the point of orgasm and then stopping, and doing it over and over again until he’s desperate and aching to come. Then I might either take pity and let him come, ruin his orgasm, so he ejaculates but doesn’t feel the full pleasure of the orgasm, or I make him wait—which might seem mean, but some men enjoy the feeling of desperation.

So, is this really sadism? I would never do anything to a submissive partner that he really didn’t want to have done. That’s part of the agreement we make together that should be a part of all safe and ethical kink.

I’m personally less likely to beat a man until he’s severely bruised or bloody because I don’t really like it that much and because I’m a little scared of causing actual injury. But that’s my preference. And there are some activities that just seem unappealing to me, like sounding, which is sticking (hopefully sterilized) rods into someone’s urethra. To me, this seems unappealingly sadistic, and I worry about the danger of infection. However, I have talked to men who very much enjoy this kind of play and the sensations they provide.

I would say that the overall reason I believe I can be both sadistic and gentle is in the attitude I have during play.

I would say that the overall reason I believe I can be both sadistic and gentle is in the attitude I have during play. When I tickle a man until he thinks he’s dying or tease him until he wishes he was, I tend to use a playful, sweet tone of voice and focus on how good/patient/sweet/willing he’s being by allowing himself to be used as my toy for my amusement. I never denigrate him or call him worthless or use the tropes you often see in femdom porn. Why would I want to be with someone useless or worthless?

One question may be—what if my sub wants to be called useless or worthless? Some sadism is psychological and not physical. Where is the line between what is gentle and what’s not? Honestly, I don’t believe there is any clear line. Kink is a dynamic between two (or more) people, and it’s really up to them to define what it means to them personally. So, if you consider yourself to be a gentle domme, but you have a sub who like humiliation play, you just have to figure out what you are comfortable with and what you’re not. When I call my partner my cute little slut, he loves it.  So, I love it too.

Five Kinkalicious Ways to Help Your Girlfriend Feel Like the Confident Domme She Was Born to Be

BDSM pink handcuffs

If you’re a lucky sub who’s scored the girl of his vanilla dreams AND she’s psyched to be your domme, you probably feel like you’ve hit the jackpot. But if your girlfriend or wife is new to femdom, she might feel nervous about her fresh role. Most women are taught both consciously and subconsciously to defer to men and place their needs second, and even though society is changing and encouraging women to be more empowered in their careers and personal lives, it can be difficult for a lot of women to truly embrace their own dominance.

However, since you’re such an appreciative subby partner who wants to encourage his lady to let out her inner domme, there are some things you should do and not do to help her feel her most confident and powerful.

  1. Tell her how amazing she is. There’s nothing like the power of a compliment, or a hundred, to make a woman realize just how special she is to you. Of course, you want to be genuine. Most women can spot a fake compliment a mile off. But let her know how smart, funny, beautiful, genuine and strong she is on a regular basis.
  2. Don’t leave all the scene planning to her unless she wants you to do that. One of the most common questions on femdom discussion forums involves a newbie domme asking what to do! While she might like the idea of being in charge, that doesn’t mean she knows what you like or even what exact things to try if you’re delving into kinky play. A lot of subs worry that it will seem like they’re trying to top from the bottom if they give their partners scene ideas, but unless you’re being demanding, she will likely welcome the conversation. Just stress that the choice is ultimately up to her. But if you take time to share fantasies and possibilities that you both find hot, it will probably help her relax.
  3. On the other hand, don’t be too controlling. This might seem like a narrow road to walk, but it’s really pretty simple.  While your partner might appreciate some ideas to get started, don’t criticize a scene or try to bend it to your will. Obviously, if something violates a limit of yours, let your partner know. And if something goes wrong, address it, but gently. You have to give her some room to grow as a dominant, even if that means you don’t get everything you want right away. Remember, you’re trying to help her find her footing as a domme, which will hopefully benefit you as well!
  4. Encourage her to talk to other women. If you’re out in your local Scene, see if there’s fedomme group your partner might want to attend where she could get to know other women and talk to them about questions or concerns she has. If you don’t want to go public and plan to keep your kink strictly in your own homes, there are still some great discussion groups on Reddit and Fetlife where new dommes can talk to more experienced dommes.
  5. Ask her! There are lots of different ways to be a domme. Some women prefer to receive service. Some prefer to receive pleasure. Some are more active in taking control both inside or outside of the bedroom. You will find that this will be a growing process for the both of you where you figure out what you like and don’t like. Keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you can be helpful. Your partner might not know what she likes at the beginning of your relationship, or even if she’s had some previous experiences, she might not know what she likes with you. Although you don’t want to continuously prod her with questions, setting up a weekly or monthly chat where you discuss where your relationship has been and where’s it’s going, can be useful for a couple.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one. But, in reality, the more confident and empowered you make your partner feel, the better a domme she’ll be! Take the time to show her how important she is, communicate about what you both want to explore and leave room for her to figure out her own style, and you will likely be rewarded for your efforts with an excited, engaged partner who is self-assured and fierce. 

How to Make It Through Your First Femdom Scene Feeling Like a Powerful Domme: Part Three

BDSM man tied up in bondage

In the second part of this three-article series about setting up your first femdom scene, I talked about magic blindfolds, the importance of aftercare and discovering your domme archetype. Let’s press on to the third and final article. I hope after you finish, you’ll feel ready to kick ass…and maybe have yours kissed too.

Another issue new femdommes or female tops might want to think about is clothing. While male tops can usually get away with looking very “domly” in a simple and comfortable black shirt and jeans, female tops sometimes feel like they need to look the “part,” in clothing that’s tight and seductive, like latex or PVC or sky high boots and chokers. It’s totally fine if you want to dress like a stereotypical dominatrix. If it makes you feel hot and authoritative, go for it! In fact, some women see this kind of clothing as armor that puts them in domme mode where they can leave their everyday personas behind and just be the bad bitch they always wanted to be.

You aren’t required to dress like a femdomme porn star.  You aren’t required to dress in any particular way. It doesn’t make you more or less of a top or a domme if you play in sweatpants rather than leather pants.

However, do remember that often this kind of clothing is painfully uncomfortable or ungainly. Yes. Five inch spiked heels are sexy. But it’s a rare woman who hasn’t spent some time around the stripper pole who can navigate them easily without spraining an ankle. Just remember that while you probably want to look and feel hot, you also don’t want to fall on or injure your bottom or realize that you can’t actually bend over to tie or untie him in a too tight corset. And you aren’t required to dress like a femdomme porn star.  You aren’t required to dress in any particular way. It doesn’t make you more or less of a top or a domme if you play in sweatpants rather than leather pants.

Personally, when I started out in the Scene, I went all out on the hot domme clothing. And the submissive guys loved it. (So did the dominant guys!) I got lots of attention. But I soon realized that actually playing (code for doing kinky things) in my hot domme clothes literally made me a HOT domme. I was sweating all over the place. And, although intellectually my sexy boots made me feel like a princess warrior, they physically made my feet hurt and made me prone to tripping at inopportune times.

I do still break out my sexy domme clothes now and again, but they are mostly for show these days, when I attend an S&M party—otherwise known as “Stand and Model” party or worn as a treat for my partner before we get down to play, when I’ll usually kick off the boots and unlace the corset and play in a tank top and booty shorts.

Now, that we’re wrapping up, and I’ve dispensed my knowledge about making your first scene exciting and hot and completely not weird and with no one crying in the bathroom, I’ll end by giving you a few ideas for beginner scenes. These are things that I think are easy to do with most male bottoms. Some of them are sexual. So, it’s up to you if you want to go in that direction or not. In fact, I think the easiest way to dominate men is with sexy play, and I lean toward a lot of sexual play, myself. But not everyone mixes kink and sex—important to note.

  1. Impact scenes. The simplest form of this is bare handed, bare bottom spanking. You don’t need much to make this happen, just your hand and a cute tushy that wants some slapping. The great thing about spanking for new tops is that you can feel exactly how hard you’re hitting and where. If you want to graduate to a slightly more complex form of impact play, use toys. I like a good crop. Some people like paddles. Others like flogging. Bottoms tend to have preferences between stingy and thuddy. Start slow and warm up. Check in with your bottom to see what level they’re at in term of pain or enjoyment. There are places that it’s okay to hit and places you shouldn’t!
  2. Tease and denial. I’m going to admit that this is my favorite kind of scene. I live for edging, bringing men to the brink of ecstasy and then pulling back until they are literally begging me to come. And then I can decide if I’m going to let them or not. I like this kind of scene because I enjoy having sexual power over men and it’s fundamentally not dangerous, except for the risk of blue balls. You can sometimes go too far and send a man over the edge before you mean to, especially if he’s not being honest about his arousal level. If you feel really confident and your bottom is up for it, you can try for a ruined orgasm. This means he will ejaculate but not feel the pleasure of orgasm. For some men, this will keep them erect and even hornier, and you can do it again and again and…well….let’s not be toooo greedy.
  3. Objectification play. Make him stand naked at attention for you. Tell him to turn around and bend over because you want to inspect every inch of him. Have him crawl on the floor at your feet for your amusement and reward him by giving him the honor of rubbing your feet or sucking on your toes (assuming he’s into feet). You can mix this in with service. Have him cook you dinner naked, while you relax with a glass of wine on the couch. Meander over by the stove to give him a few swats with a spatula and tell him if he’s going a good job or if he needs to improve his technique. If you feel like it and he’s into it, you can even bend him over the kitchen counter and have your way with him. 

So, that’s that! This is my advice for new dommes and female tops just starting out with their first scenes or two. I know it can seem intimidating, even when you’re excited and want to try some kinky femdom play. But if you’re playing with a kind and enthusiastic partner—and if you’re not—why aren’t you—it won’t be long before you can write an article like this and show me up with your fabulous femdommey ideas.

How to Make It Through Your First Femdom Scene Feeling Like a Powerful Domme: Part Two

loving female dominance kiss

In the first part of this three-part series about setting up your first femdom scene, I discussed my first scene and how nervous I felt about living up to my bottom’s expectations. I also talked about negotiation and consent and the importance of communication with your partner.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I heard from multiple sources was to remember the power of the blindfold. Ah, this simple piece of fabric is so magical for first time dommes!

Why? Because when you put a blindfold on your bottom, he can’t see what you’re doing!  You aren’t fiddling around like an idiot trying to tie a basic rope knot or undo a pair of handcuffs. No! You are intentionally building tension by taking your time and letting him stew in his own juices about what evil things you’ve got planned for him! A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing. It increases the power of his other senses, which is fun for him, and it takes stress off you, which should make the experience more enjoyable for you as well.

A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing.

I’d also like to take this time to point out that you should be having fun! In those first few scenes I did, I’m not sure how much fun I really had. Yes, it was novel and exciting, but I was so concerned about how my partner perceived me, it was difficult for me to relax and enjoy the feelings of power and control—largely because I felt like a bit of an imposter. I knew I wanted to feel powerful and in control, but I lacked confidence. It’s kind of a chicken and the egg problem. How do you feel powerful and confident when you don’t actually know what you’re doing? You have to fake it until you make it and be willing to risk making a few mistakes (hopefully not dangerous ones if you are communicating well) or looking silly. A kind, competent scene partner goes a long way in allowing that to happen without hurt feelings or the bad kind of embarrassment.

In my current kinky relationship, I rarely “scene” anymore, in the sense of a specific encounter. Instead, kink and BDSM are weaved into the entire relationship dynamic. So, I never feel like I have to put on any act. Overall, I feel it’s more enjoyable FOR ME. I feel like I’m just myself, unless we’re doing some role play. Lots of people in kinky relationships still enjoy planning out scenes, though.

But you have to start somewhere. So, some people will suggest finding a domme archetype with which you identify. These are typically common femdom role plays like a strict governess or nurturing mommy figure or evil queen or benevolent goddess or spoiled princess. Think of a powerful kind of female figure—maybe one you’ve known in real life or someone from a book or tv show or movie, one who makes you feel like you’re strong and sexy, and consider how she would run your scene. What would she say? How would she act? Would she be cold and calculating or sweet and flirty? 

In those first scenes I did I went so far as to write out short stories that basically described what I wanted to do line by line. I did that because I needed to feel confident about my abilities. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going that far unless you just like writing dirty stories (which I do), but I would think out the time period you have to work with and have a general understanding of what might happen when, especially if you’re limited by time.

I think my biggest fear wasn’t that I would run out of time but that I wouldn’t know how to fill all of it up. But the truth was that when I was actually in the scene, I found that I naturally responded to my partner’s reactions and timing wasn’t an issue.

And if your scene does end early, that’s also okay. Do what feels natural in the moment. If it stops being enjoyable or seems like its reached its natural conclusion, it’s okay to stop and either regroup and decide to play in another way or cuddle or watch a tv show and get something to eat, or just leave.

Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards.

Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards, especially if their body is bruised because of impact play or if you’ve done any kind of humiliation play that might leave them feeling vulnerable.

For some people this can be hugging and snuggling, for others receiving praise or being wrapped in a blanket and given something to drink. Some people are experienced enough that they know what they need after a scene, but newer people might not. So check in with your bottom before, during and after.

People in the Scene talk a lot about aftercare regarding bottoms and submissives, but sometimes tops need aftercare too. If you dole out some impact play and bruise your partner, how are you going to feel after that? Some tops might feel guilty and need reassurance that the bottom really enjoyed themselves and doesn’t think the top is a bad person.

Some people even consider sex a part of aftercare. If you get turned on by topping, are you going to want sex or an orgasm afterwards? Is your bottom? Don’t just assume that will happen. Talk about possibilities beforehand so you aren’t surprised and let down if your bottom never assumed sex was on the table or assumed it was when you weren’t planning on it going there.

 Whew! There’s more where this came from! Look out for the last article in this three-part series about topping for the first time. I’ll cover topics like dressing for the part, whatever that means, and give you a few specific scene suggestions for beginners to get you going!

How to Make It Through Your First Femdom Scene Feeling Like a Powerful Domme: Part One

femdom scene

I remember it clearly. Here was this man I was very into. He wasn’t my submissive. We were just getting to know each other. But we’d made out, quite passionately I might add. We’d had a little light play at a kink event in public. And we agreed that we were going to meet up at his place and do a scene.

If you’re a newbie to kink and you have no idea what that word means, don’t worry. A scene is just a time during which you do kinky things with another person, or persons. In a way, it’s like a scene in a play, which is where the word probably comes from. However, you don’t have to act like another person during a kink scene—although you certainly can and lots of people do. A scene can be as simple as a spanking or as complex as premeditated group consensual non-consent gangbang/predicament play.

So, this man and I agreed we were going to do a scene, and I was going to top him. I was very excited! There was just one problem. I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

It didn’t help that he was an experienced bottom, and I wasn’t. And I was too afraid to tell him that I was unsure of myself. I was supposed to be in charge. I was supposed to be confident. So, how could I tell him that I was nervous and worried I was going to be boring or do something wrong?

It’s a weird situation to feel like the one who is supposed to have all the power but not know what you’re doing.

I learned later that this is often how lots of new dommes and female tops feel when they’re playing with more experienced male partners. It’s a weird situation to feel like the one who is supposed to have all the power but not know what you’re doing. And you’re afraid to admit it because you think it might ruin the illusion that you are THE hot goddess femdomme and your bottom will be disappointed.

One lesson to take away from my plight was that I should have told him all of those things. There was no reason for me to be ashamed of not being an expert top who automatically knew how to push all of his buttons. Not only had I had limited experience with BDSM in general, I’d had limited experience with him. And he knew that. I wasn’t his first newbie top. It’s a little awkward playing with any new person, even when you feel like an experienced domme.

And every person is different.

So, the first thing to remember when you’re planning your first scene is not to be like me. Talk to your partner. Ask him what he likes and doesn’t like. Make sure you know each other’s soft and hard limits. Depending on what you think you’d like to do, talk about your physical and mental health. Are there any things you should be aware of that might be dangerous physically or mentally? Negotiation is a very important part of kink.

Vanilla people often value spontaneity in sex, which is why some people have oopsie pregnancies. Let’s not bother with condoms. Let’s be carried away by the moment!

But kinky people understand the value of plotting and organization because kink can be dangerous. It’s eroticism 2.0. You might think that talking in detail about what you want to do will take the surprise out of it. But, in reality, talking about how you’re going to demolish someone can be very stimulating!

Also, you don’t generally want to surprise a new partner unless they know you’re going to surprise them, because what if your surprise turns out to be that you brought a flogger and your bottom had a terrible experience with flogging and absolutely hates it. Or what if your partner has a nickel allergy, and your vampire gloves make him break out in hives. If he’s aware of those things, he should tell you beforehand. But until you know someone well, you want to talk openly about potential scene ideas so no one suffers from an unpleasant or dangerous accident.

But until you know someone well, you want to talk openly about potential scene ideas so no one suffers from an unpleasant or dangerous accident.

Okay, so back to the subby guy I was going to be scening with for the first time! Eventually, we did get to negotiations and discussing some things we were curious to try with one another, mostly because he suggested it. And I had an idea of some things he was interested in and some things that I was interested in, and we did discuss limits and safe words and consent. All of the super important stuff that seems like it’s going to be boring, but can actually be kind of hot if you work it in with fantasies and some sexy talk.

But even when I decided on a basic idea of what we might like to do, which in this case was some bondage with handcuffs, some impact play and some tease and denial, as the date got closer and closer, I became more and more nervous about how I was going to do all of these things and how I was going to look smooth doing them. It’s one thing to list out actions and items. Bondage, check. Paddling, check. Edging, check. It’s entirely another thing to weave it all together in a way that seems natural and sexy.

So, I did what I do best, which is research. I took to Amazon and bought some femdom books and Googled femdom articles, like you might have done to get here, and browsed femdom forums for “first scene” ideas. And I would actually recommend that for you too if you’re nervous. I mean, keep reading my article, please! Don’t just abandon me! But lots of dommes discuss first scene jitters, and I learned a lot of helpful tips from nosing around and taking some tips from women who had also faced my fears.

There’s so much to cover! Stick with me and look for my next article about setting up your first scene in which I’ll discuss topics like finding your domme archetype, sketching out a scene and the importance of just having fun. It’s not called play for nothing!