In the first part of this three-part series about setting up your first femdom scene, I discussed my first scene and how nervous I felt about living up to my bottom’s expectations. I also talked about negotiation and consent and the importance of communication with your partner.
One of the most helpful pieces of advice that I heard from multiple sources was to remember the power of the blindfold. Ah, this simple piece of fabric is so magical for first time dommes!
Why? Because when you put a blindfold on your bottom, he can’t see what you’re doing! You aren’t fiddling around like an idiot trying to tie a basic rope knot or undo a pair of handcuffs. No! You are intentionally building tension by taking your time and letting him stew in his own juices about what evil things you’ve got planned for him! A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing. It increases the power of his other senses, which is fun for him, and it takes stress off you, which should make the experience more enjoyable for you as well.
A blindfold lets you focus on what you’re doing rather than focus on how your bottom is seeing you do what you’re doing.
I’d also like to take this time to point out that you should be having fun! In those first few scenes I did, I’m not sure how much fun I really had. Yes, it was novel and exciting, but I was so concerned about how my partner perceived me, it was difficult for me to relax and enjoy the feelings of power and control—largely because I felt like a bit of an imposter. I knew I wanted to feel powerful and in control, but I lacked confidence. It’s kind of a chicken and the egg problem. How do you feel powerful and confident when you don’t actually know what you’re doing? You have to fake it until you make it and be willing to risk making a few mistakes (hopefully not dangerous ones if you are communicating well) or looking silly. A kind, competent scene partner goes a long way in allowing that to happen without hurt feelings or the bad kind of embarrassment.
In my current kinky relationship, I rarely “scene” anymore, in the sense of a specific encounter. Instead, kink and BDSM are weaved into the entire relationship dynamic. So, I never feel like I have to put on any act. Overall, I feel it’s more enjoyable FOR ME. I feel like I’m just myself, unless we’re doing some role play. Lots of people in kinky relationships still enjoy planning out scenes, though.
But you have to start somewhere. So, some people will suggest finding a domme archetype with which you identify. These are typically common femdom role plays like a strict governess or nurturing mommy figure or evil queen or benevolent goddess or spoiled princess. Think of a powerful kind of female figure—maybe one you’ve known in real life or someone from a book or tv show or movie, one who makes you feel like you’re strong and sexy, and consider how she would run your scene. What would she say? How would she act? Would she be cold and calculating or sweet and flirty?
In those first scenes I did I went so far as to write out short stories that basically described what I wanted to do line by line. I did that because I needed to feel confident about my abilities. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend going that far unless you just like writing dirty stories (which I do), but I would think out the time period you have to work with and have a general understanding of what might happen when, especially if you’re limited by time.
I think my biggest fear wasn’t that I would run out of time but that I wouldn’t know how to fill all of it up. But the truth was that when I was actually in the scene, I found that I naturally responded to my partner’s reactions and timing wasn’t an issue.
And if your scene does end early, that’s also okay. Do what feels natural in the moment. If it stops being enjoyable or seems like its reached its natural conclusion, it’s okay to stop and either regroup and decide to play in another way or cuddle or watch a tv show and get something to eat, or just leave.
Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards.
Something else you might want to consider beforehand is aftercare, both his and yours. Because kinky play can release a lot of endorphins and sometimes bring up strong emotions in people, it’s good to have a plan about how to care and comfort your partner afterwards, especially if their body is bruised because of impact play or if you’ve done any kind of humiliation play that might leave them feeling vulnerable.
For some people this can be hugging and snuggling, for others receiving praise or being wrapped in a blanket and given something to drink. Some people are experienced enough that they know what they need after a scene, but newer people might not. So check in with your bottom before, during and after.
People in the Scene talk a lot about aftercare regarding bottoms and submissives, but sometimes tops need aftercare too. If you dole out some impact play and bruise your partner, how are you going to feel after that? Some tops might feel guilty and need reassurance that the bottom really enjoyed themselves and doesn’t think the top is a bad person.
Some people even consider sex a part of aftercare. If you get turned on by topping, are you going to want sex or an orgasm afterwards? Is your bottom? Don’t just assume that will happen. Talk about possibilities beforehand so you aren’t surprised and let down if your bottom never assumed sex was on the table or assumed it was when you weren’t planning on it going there.
Whew! There’s more where this came from! Look out for the last article in this three-part series about topping for the first time. I’ll cover topics like dressing for the part, whatever that means, and give you a few specific scene suggestions for beginners to get you going!
Like my blog? Follow me on Twitter.