If you’re a lucky sub who’s scored the girl of his vanilla dreams AND she’s psyched to be your domme, you probably feel like you’ve hit the jackpot. But if your girlfriend or wife is new to femdom, she might feel nervous about her fresh role. Most women are taught both consciously and subconsciously to defer to men and place their needs second, and even though society is changing and encouraging women to be more empowered in their careers and personal lives, it can be difficult for a lot of women to truly embrace their own dominance.

However, since you’re such an appreciative subby partner who wants to encourage his lady to let out her inner domme, there are some things you should do and not do to help her feel her most confident and powerful.

1. Tell her how amazing she is. There’s nothing like the power of a compliment, or a hundred, to make a woman realize just how special she is to you. Of course, you want to be genuine. Most women can spot a fake compliment a mile off. But let her know how smart, funny, beautiful, genuine and strong she is on a regular basis.
2. Don’t leave all the scene planning to her unless she wants you to do that. One of the most common questions on femdom discussion forums involves a newbie domme asking what to do! While she might like the idea of being in charge, that doesn’t mean she knows what you like or even what exact things to try if you’re delving into kinky play. A lot of subs worry that it will seem like they’re trying to top from the bottom if they give their partners scene ideas, but unless you’re being demanding, she will likely welcome the conversation. Just stress that the choice is ultimately up to her. But if you take time to share fantasies and possibilities that you both find hot, it will probably help her relax.
3. On the other hand, don’t be too controlling. This might seem like a narrow road to walk, but it’s really pretty simple.  While your partner might appreciate some ideas to get started, don’t criticize a scene or try to bend it to your will. Obviously, if something violates a limit of yours, let your partner know. And if something goes wrong, address it, but gently. You have to give her some room to grow as a dominant, even if that means you don’t get everything you want right away. Remember, you’re trying to help her find her footing as a domme, which will hopefully benefit you as well!
4. Encourage her to talk to other women. If you’re out in your local Scene, see if there’s fedomme group your partner might want to attend where she could get to know other women and talk to them about questions or concerns she has. If you don’t want to go public and plan to keep your kink strictly in your own homes, there are still some great discussion groups on Reddit and Fetlife where new dommes can talk to more experienced dommes.
5. Ask her! There are lots of different ways to be a domme. Some women prefer to receive service. Some prefer to receive pleasure. Some are more active in taking control both inside or outside of the bedroom. You will find that this will be a growing process for the both of you where you figure out what you like and don’t like. Keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you can be helpful. Your partner might not know what she likes at the beginning of your relationship, or even if she’s had some previous experiences, she might not know what she likes with you. Although you don’t want to continuously prod her with questions, setting up a weekly or monthly chat where you discuss where your relationship has been and where’s it’s going, can be useful for a couple.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one. But, in reality, the more confident and empowered you make your partner feel, the better a domme she’ll be! Take the time to show her how important she is, communicate about what you both want to explore and leave room for her to figure out her own style, and you will likely be rewarded for your efforts with an excited, engaged partner who is self-assured and fierce. 

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