I Can’t Be a Domme. I Like Giving Pleasure Too Much. And Other Such Nonsense!

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I had an interesting but unexpected brief conversation with a friend the other day. My friend identifies as kinky with bottom tendencies. She’s new to the public Scene. I was telling her about the orgasm denial I’d been doing with my submissive and she said, “See. That’s why I can’t be a domme. I like giving pleasure too much.”

If I’d had time, I would have stopped my friend and explained why she was very wrong and how what she said was unintentionally insulting, but we were at a bar, and the music was loud, and she slipped away. My friend is an intelligent, open-minded woman, and I assume she can’t be the only person with this belief. So, instead of correcting her, I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.

I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.

While I cannot speak for all dommes, since all women are different, I love giving pleasure to my sub! I love, love, love it! I love topping! I usually like it much more than bottoming. 

I should say that D/s is not about topping and bottoming. D/s is about control. Topping and bottoming are about who is doing and who is receiving. There are definitely dommes who like to remain in control but only receive pleasure, or service, or some combination of them both. And that also doesn’t mean they are necessarily selfish. There are some subs who love service topping!

But most of the dommes I know enjoy topping their partners—doing things to them, at least some of the time. Those things might not always look like pleasure to vanilla folks. But they are often pleasurable to kinky folks, or pleasurable in their painfulness.

My friend had an image of a domme as a woman who only receives pleasure. She’s possibly suffering from the belief that a lot of new dommes have, which is that, “If I do X, it will make me less domly.” For example, a new domme might worry that if she gives her submissive a blow job, it will seem submissive. A blow job is generally something you do for a person with a penis to explicitly make them feel good.  You also are usually physically lower to the ground when giving a blow job, on your knees or between someone else’s legs on a bed. Since a femdomme is supposed to be powerful, how can she be on her knees for a man? How can she be between his legs? A powerful, dominant woman would never stoop so low!

No particular action I do as a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action.

But that’s completely ridiculous.

No particular action I do as a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action. If I ordered my submissive to give my face a rough fucking while I was on my knees in front of him, he would be following my directions. And I’ve done that plenty of times because sometimes I actually like feeling a little out of control and used. It doesn’t change the dynamics of our relationship because they are already defined. It’s just an activity that we do, a role play, a scene.

But more often, I like giving long, slow, teasing blow jobs, where my submissive knows who is in control and that it’s definitely not him. I stretch them out and listen to his whimpers and moans, his fear that he won’t be able to come mingled with his fear that I’ll actually let him.

Am I giving him pleasure? You bet I am! I certainly hope so!

I’m the kind of woman who goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab, lick, pinch and bite my prey.  I am an active participant in kink and in sex.

I’m the kind of woman who goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab, lick, pinch and bite my prey.  I am an active participant in kink and in sex. When I’m doing a man, I’m getting to experience his reactions. I get to see his face contort with delight or pain or fear. I get to see his muscles tense. I get to listen to the noises he makes for me, the way his body can’t help dripping with anticipation. In fact, I like giving more than getting, because for me, sex is a very intellectual pursuit. It’s not the physical part that really turns me on. It’s the mental part.

I don’t want to pretend that there aren’t dommes out there who are primarily bottoms. Of course there are, and if that works for them and for their partners, it’s totally fine. But it hurts my heart to think that a woman worries she can’t take control because she believes that inherently means she can’t be giving as well. Even though I practice largely what I would call gentle femdom, any flavor of domme can enjoy giving pleasure while still keeping control and her dominance.

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