As if finding a kinky partner wasn’t hard enough before, now Coronavirus seems to have made it downright impossible for many.

This is when I’m really happy that I’m NOT currently dating. I have numerous friends, kinky and vanilla, who aren’t sure what the new “rules” are when it comes to dating and how to stay safe while looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right…or even right now.

My usual advice on BDSM forums when men ask the common question—HOW DO I FIND A DOMME??????— is either to start on Fetlife and locate some local events and GO or use some coded language on vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid. But, of course, most munches and events have been cancelled for the foreseeable future and most online dating is now truly ONLINE, moving to perhaps socially distanced dates or outdoor meals, if you really hit it off.

Still, I actually think the pandemic provides some weird benefits when it comes to dating, especially if you’re trying to find a dominant lady. A lot of female tops and dommes complain that the men they meet online move way too quickly into asking for kinky play—treating them like kink dispensers. It’s like guys forget that they’re talking to a real live human being with, I don’t know, thoughts and feelings and needs! Yes, your dream domme still gets sick like everybody else. She still gets sad. She blows her nose and get toilet paper stuck on her shoes once in a while when she leaves a public bathroom. In short, she is human!!!! She probably wants to be treated like one and not just a whip wielding fantasy babe who constantly caters to your sexual whims.

So, what does this have to do with the pandemic?

Well, you can take your time. In this time when we all need a little more hand holding, a little more comforting, this is a great opportunity to try and get to know potential partners without jumping straight into the physical. In one way, my advice hasn’t changed. I still think the most reliable ways to meet kinky people are online, whether specifically kink related websites like Fetlife or Reddit personals or open-minded vanilla websites like OK Cupid. Of course, if you can work your personal network, that’s always great. But assuming you can’t, these options allow you to be specific about what you’re looking for.

But if you had a profile on Fetlife that reads like a description of what you want a pro-domme to do to you, reconsider. Lead with who you are as a person outside of kink. Maybe write some journal articles that give people insight into how you think. Post pictures that aren’t of your penis (but you knew that already-right).

Reach out to women on Fet who seem interesting and say they are looking. But don’t be surprised or angry if they don’t write back. It happens. But try upping your verbal game a little. Actually read their profiles. See if you have anything in common. Consider if you would like this person if she didn’t label herself a domme. Thinking about her as a person beyond fetishes will take you far.

And if she expresses interest, take it slow. You’ve got time! Get to know each other over texting, maybe a Zoom or two. Keep too much kink out of it. After all, what’s the rush? If you make a connection, you can take it offline. But Coronavirus actually forces us to communicate more verbally and be more picky about who we engage with in a physical space. And although that may seem counterintuitive to finding a domme, it’s not. Because far too many submissive men look for a domme instead of a specific woman. And now you can change that.

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