I read this article yesterday, by Jessie Sage, and it really resonated with me. The title is Sex Workers Are Not Your Girlfriend.
I notice that some men really need to believe that I’m sexually enjoying myself when I talk to them. And I totally get that. Obviously, you want the person you’re interacting with in a sexual way to seem excited and interested in what you’re doing. Even if it’s that you want to believe they’re enjoying your humiliation.
And usually, I really am excited and interested. I’m excited to provide a good service. I look at what I do on the phone and through text as service topping–meaning that I am topping for someone else’s desires.
That doesn’t mean that MY desires don’t sometimes intersect with the people I’m talking to! They very often do, and I often have a lot of fun dominating men through phone and sometimes text. (Text is just more difficult to form that connection.) But when I talk to men, my focus is on them. It’s not really on me, even if they want to believe it is. It HAS to be on them because I want them to enjoy themselves.
I sort of feel like it’s dangerous to say that. It’s pulling back the curtain on a secret that perhaps I shouldn’t reveal. Because so many men want to believe that they are satisfying me and that all of our interactions are about MY pleasure. They say they want to worship me. They say they want to serve me. They say they will do anything for me! They really want to know that I’m enjoying myself, that this turns me on.
But, really, these are the most difficult calls I have with people because they either give me no sense of what the caller actually wants or they expect ME to be sexually excited by essentially service topping them. I get so many questions in the vein of “You really like this, huh? This really turns you on. Doesn’t it! You love me hitting my balls for you (even though CBT is not an actual IRL kink of mine)!”
The truth is that however I might be served or worshipped in person, we aren’t in person. So we are limited to fantasy and however one can serve or worship through the phone. And while I might find it fun to humiliate a guy or talk about pegging or chastity or whatever, I might not be in the mood to feel sexy, and my focus is really on reading his cues and needs–not my own.
In fact, if I did focus on MY sexuality during most of my calls, callers would get bored because I wouldn’t be present for them. I would be focusing on what I need to come and not what THEY need to come…or not come, depending on their preferences.
And realistically, most of these men don’t really want to make me feel good. I mean, they don’t want to make me feel BAD! It’s just that it’s not really about me. It’s about them–rightfully so. They’re paying for it! They get off on “serving” and “worship” in general. And that’s totally cool, and I love to make that exciting for them. But we are really playacting. When you worship my feet, you aren’t really there worshipping my feet. We’re just imagining.
If you really wanted to please me or serve me, you would tip me to the best of your comfort level, because that is real! I can really see the money you send me. It helps me meet my weekly goal I set for myself. But it’s hard for me to ask for that because then it sounds like I’m not there to have fun and enjoy myself and enjoy dominating men just for my own kicks.
I don’t consider myself a findom but I also won’t pretend that I don’t love men who are heavy tippers or who buy lots of my goodies or have long or frequent calls with me. It is the REALEST way online that you can show you actually appreciate and enjoy me. And I definitely do give special attention to guys who demonstrate that they think I’m worthwhile.
It seems like what a lot of guys want to believe is that I’m just doing this for fun because I love dominating men. That the money is irrelevant. And in fact, I do like dominating men. But I don’t really consider what I do on the phone as domination. I consider it play domination. Ultimately, the people who call me are clients. While it’s true that there should always be enthusiastic consent for all kink play, the inherent nature of money changing hands changes the dynamic–for me. So, while I am in control, I also need to consider the person’s happiness so he wants to talk to me again.
In my real life, I do what I want to do with my partners (within our agreed upon boundaries). I’m not “ON” all the time. And a lot of what we might do together might look kind of boring to outsiders. And if pleasure is focused on me, I just get to relax and enjoy it. It’s not a performance.
I also don’t talk to my clients about my problems. Talking to me an is escape for most people. It’s not that a lot of them don’t want to know me, but they want to know the BEST me, the fun fantasy me. Not the bitchy me with PMS or the sick me or the me who snores. (I do not snore. That is a total lie!)
My best clients are people who see me as a person, really enjoy what I do and how I make them feel, show me appreciation financially to the best of their abilities (I recognize that people have different financial situations), and simply like that I give them a feeling they want. They don’t nag me to have an orgasm or ask for constant assurances that I’m enjoying myself. I enjoy myself if I can tell that you’re enjoying yourself.
It doesn’t hurt if you are also polite and funny. And or look cute in panties.