Passivity Is Not Hot: Why You Can and Should Be an Active Sub

While I certainly can’t speak for all dommes and/or tops out there, I feel like I’m confident enough in this belief that I can just say it.

Passivity is not hot.

What do I mean by this? Well, first, what do I consider as being passive?

Someone who is passive allows things to happen to them. They take no initiative. They show little enthusiasm. They may be obedient, but they are not motivated. And, personally, I think passivity means that I’m going to have to do all the WORK in a dynamic.

I think at the heart of a lot of submissive desires is the need to both give up control and to please.

And I like—love—taking control. And I like being pleased. But two things I do not like are:

1. Boredom

2. Having to do all the work

There’s an ironic thing that can happen when you dom, which is that you can end up doing way more work than your sub, who is theoretically supposed to be pleasing you.

A lot of this work is fun work! It’s the work of coming up with interesting scenes and figuring out what really gets to them! And in deeper D/s relationships, perhaps even taking more control over their lives. But this is, nonetheless, work. And it can get tiring. It is especially tiring if you feel that your work isn’t being appreciated and that the other person isn’t also putting in effort.

AKA: Passivity

A domme is not there to fix your life. Or at least, I don’t think she should be. Most women aren’t looking for an adult man who isn’t functioning well on their own. And if they are, you might want to question why.

I want a partner who is an equal, even if our relationship has unequal power dynamics. I want to feel like someone is capable of saying no to me, even if they’re choosing not to.

And I definitely want to feel like they’re excited about the things we do! I want to hear them moan, whimper, sigh….see the frustration, desperation, eagerness of their face. I want them to WANT to grab me, lick me, kiss me, even if I say they can’t.

Now, this is where I think things get into more personal territory. I am sure some dommes would prefer more restrained submissives. I admit that I’m quite the reaction slut, in that I can never quite get enough of them. In fact, I LOVE being grabbed. It feels so…deliciously desperate and wanting. It just makes me want to grab back—harder.

I also welcome scene ideas from a partner. It can get tiring come up with new things to do and easy to slide into monotony. That doesn’t mean I want to feel like I’m being ordered around and treated like a kink dispenser, but I love to hear about hot ideas and possibilities. To me, that is part of being an active partner.

And that’s what I really find hot. An active partner! Someone who is as invested in our dynamic as I am. Someone who shows me his desire, his excitement. Someone who can rely on me (like I hope I can rely on them) but can also rely on themselves.

Passivity is boring. It’s not sexy.

In my opinion, it shows a lack of confidence or a lack of interest or both. And neither of those qualities exactly make me want to take out the cuffs or the flogger and do the “work” that I so love to do.

4 thoughts on “Passivity Is Not Hot: Why You Can and Should Be an Active Sub

  1. Thank you for the post. It is very important that the sub does more then just lay there giving nothing back to the relationship. This style of relationship may actually take more work then a vanilla relationship. When I was serving a wonderful Mistress there were many times that we played board games because she liked them. We had a very good relationship in other ways then when we doing scene things. Even when not playing I always respected her. I could never think of just laying there giving nothing back to her for the work that she was putting out in the scene.

    • I don’t think anyone really wants a passive partner. Do they? But I do think some inexperienced men might THINK that is sort of what is expected of them? Or that women aren’t looking for entire human beings and instead just objects. It’s fun to fantasize about being objectified, but, of course, an actual relationship is built on so much more than that. Right?

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