Whether you’re a man who has been having femdom fantasies since you hit puberty or one who only recently started to long for a woman who will take charge of you, it can feel daunting to try and locate the “mythical creature” that is the femdom.

Just kidding. Dominant women aren’t mythical, although it might feel that way if you go about your search incorrectly.

First things first. No. All women are not going to be into dominating you, sexually or otherwise. There are lots of studies done about this. Many people have kinky fantasies involving power exchange—in fact, the majority of people do. You’re hardly alone. But that doesn’t mean that the majority of women have kinky fantasies about tying men up and spanking them. However, as much as the myth abounds that there are 3 billion submissive men to 1 dominant woman—a drought of dominant women, that’s really not true, if you’re just smart about your search.

There are, generally speaking, several kinds of women to think about, if you’re looking for a femdomme.

1. Women who are never going to be into it no matter what. These women are either totally sexually submissive by nature or just enjoy purely vanilla sex. They don’t want to stick their fingers in your mouth and call you a good boy, and they never will. It’s about as appealing to them as soggy peas. They MIGHT try to go along with your ideas if they really like you, but it’s not likely to last since it’s not something they enjoy. (See a thousand Reddit posts about “Trying to get my wife to dominate me but she doesn’t want to! What can I do?” The answer is—nothing. She doesn’t want to.)

• Women who might not regularly fantasize about femdom but are adventurous. Kinky switchy women would fall into this category. They enjoy having control sometimes, but other times they want to be the ones bound and asking for mercy. Or this could also be a woman who has mostly been with vanilla partners or dominant men and hasn’t had a chance to explore this side of herself but finds it appealing if you bring it up. That is to say, don’t automatically count this kind of woman out because she’s not advertising herself as a bonafide femdomme. She just might be the droid you’re looking for.

• Women who acknowledge they’re into dominating men. Now, most women aren’t going to share this information in vanilla settings. It’s not usually something one talks about at work. But some women are pretty honest about it in their personal lives. Or they might hint on vanilla dating websites or be completely out about it on kinky websites like Fetlife. How to approach dommes and tops on Fetlife is a post in itself. So, for now, just know that they exist there.

• Women who acknowledge they’re into dominating men and want an FLR. An FLR stands for female led relationship. This is a term you’re not likely to hear about in the vanilla world. But it’s important to know. Because if a woman says she wants an FLR, that means she wants to be in control not just during sexy times or agreed upon playtime, but pretty much all the time. A lot of men just getting into femdom think this sounds really hot. But for most women into FLRs, although hot femdom kinky times may be part of it, the real thrill or need is in actual control of the relationship itself. Not quite as sexy if you’re the one doing the dishes all the time. Or is it?

The level of how much femdom you want or need in your life is important to think about when you’re looking for a partner who shares your proclivities. Are you just looking for a woman who will sometimes take control in the bedroom, give you a good, old fashioned over the knee spanking or bind you up in furry handcuffs and tell you that you’ve been a naughty boy? If so, finding a woman who will enjoy this some of the time won’t be THAT difficult. A lot of sexually adventurous women will be up for these light kind of bedroom games at least once in a while.

But if you’re looking for a true female led relationship, those women will be harder to find simply because there are fewer of them. If you’re not really into being control all the time, that can start to feel like a lot of work, especially because some men interpret an FLR not as him serving a woman’s needs ALL the time, but more as a woman serving HIS kinky desires ALL the time.

The level of how much femdom you want or need in your life is important to think about when you’re looking for a partner who shares your proclivities.

Something else to consider is if you have any special kinks that might make it harder to find a partner. For example, a fair number of men have foot fetishes. And while most women aren’t going to turn down a lot of foot massages or presents of new, pretty shoes, most probably aren’t going to appreciate it if you only focus your passions on their feet. And for some people toe sucking is hot. For others, it’s repulsive.

Some men into femdom also enjoy cross dressing, for various reasons that we will discuss in future articles. That can be a hard sell for a lot of women, who like their men to appear “manly.” If you have a special kink—a true fetish you need to explore with a partner, be prepared to either search longer or make compromises. For example, foot massages are in and toe sucking is out. Or cross dressing is something I do with a pro-domme or as a very special treat, but not all the time. 

Continue to Part Two of How to Find a Femdomme in the Wild….

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