In part one of this article we discussed the myth that dominant women are a rare as Targaryen dragons and talked about the kinds of women you might encounter when you’re looking for a female dominant, from women who will never be into being dominant ever to women who want a complete female led relationship. We also touched on how certain kinks could make it tougher to find a partner.
In this article, let’s get more practical about the search itself. And let’s work from easy to hard.
If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult. Yes, there will still be women who will want nothing to do with your kinks. But it’s likely that if you just date regularly and choose women who seem open-minded, a fair number of them will be game for being sexually adventurous with you.
If you enjoy gentle femdom, and it’s something you want to do with a partner but don’t need all the time, finding a woman who loves you and who you love and who will still occasionally ruin your orgasms isn’t going to be that difficult.
That doesn’t mean that you will get what you want all the time. All relationships require compromise. If you date a somewhat vanilla woman, she may still want vanilla sex some of the time. If you date a kinky switch, she might want you to take control some of the time, which could be challenging if you don’t feel you can do that. But if you date widely and are appropriately honest about your kinks, it’s almost as likely as anyone that you’ll find the femdomme love of your life…or at least the sometime femdomme love of your life.
And what does “appropriately honest” mean? It means that if you meet someone through OKCupid, you might put a few hints in your profile, such as, “I like assertive women,” or, “I like women who can take control.” If you really want to be brave, you can simply say that you’re into being submissive. You might turn off some women but be catnip to the ones you want to find you!
But once you’re out on a date with someone, don’t lead with your kinks. No one wants to feel like a fetish dispenser. See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM. If you do, be fairly straightforward before things get too hot and heavy and gauge her reaction. If she seems open or even excited, press on. If not, take stock of the situation and reconsider if this woman will be right for you. But be aware that no matter how excited she seems, unless she tells you flat out, “I’m really into being dominant with men, and that’s all I want,” she will be a human being with varied desires. Remember to treat her like one.
See if you click with someone in other ways than just BDSM.
Honestly, you can meet these kinds of women anywhere you would meet any other kinds of women. As long as they don’t have a lot of sexual hang ups or very preconceived notions about femininity and masculinity, which, to be fair, a good number of people do have, there’s a decent shot that they would be open to some femdom fun, at least part of the time.
Another obvious place to meet women into femdom is on Fetlife, which is basically Facebook for kinksters. People on Fetlife will go out of their way to tell you that it ISN’T a dating site. And it’s true that it’s not built that way and dominant women do get a lot of rude and boring messages in their inboxes from men who seem to forget they’re talking to actual people. But you can use Fetlife effectively to meet dominant women. (Another resource is CollarMe, which isn’t quite as robust as Fetlife but is designed to be a dating site for kinksters.)
The best way is by going to local events in your area. The most low key of these events will be munches or happy hours, groups of kinksters who have lunch or dinner or drinks together at restaurants or bars. Check the list of who might be going. See anyone who looks interesting? Get off the computer and go. It can seem daunting to attend a munch your first time or two, but these are vanilla events. No one expects anything of you except to show up and be polite and pay your tab. Even if you don’t see a hot domme on the list, it could still be worth it to go. You might meet someone who knows someone they think you would be perfect for.
Another possible way to meet dommes on Fetlife is by writing polite and well-thought out messages to women who seem interesting. The stress here is on polite and well-thought out. Women who announce themselves as dominant on Fetlife DO get a lot of messages. But most of them show very little thought or creativity. If you create a smart profile for yourself that showcases who you are as an entire person and not just a collection of kinks and take the time to read someone’s profile and message them in a nice way, there’s a good shot they will at least be polite back. That’s about all you can expect when dealing with strangers. But there have definitely been F/m couples who met through Fetlife messaging.
Reading someone’s profile can also help you understand if you are looking for the same thing, which can be especially important if you like to play in the deeper end of the pool or have any kinks that can be a turnoff to a fair number of people, like watersports. If you’re looking for a bedroom only dynamic and you approach a woman looking for an FLR (female led relationship), that’s not going to be the best fit. If you’re really into dressing like a sissy and a woman says she isn’t into sissy play, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. On the other hand, maybe you’ll find a woman who LOVES sissies! Even so, don’t forget in your excitement that she is a fully formed human being who doesn’t think about sissies all the time. And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.
And the surest way to ruin something before it starts is to not treat her like a person first and dominant woman second.
Last, do remember that some women on Fetlife are pro-dommes. This means they charge money for their services, at least some of the time. (Some pro-dommes also have relationships outside of their work.) Often, they will announce this, but some might not. There’s nothing wrong with being a pro-domme or using a pro-domme’s services. But just be aware that there is a difference between a pro-domme, who charges money, and a lifestyle domme, who doesn’t. It might feel disappointing if you think you’ve found the love of your life, but she only sees you as a client.
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