How to Do D/s When You’re in a Long-Distance Relationship

Whether you’re just separated temporarily from your partner or only see a long-distance partner by choice, keeping up a D/s relationship when your sweetie isn’t there can be tough. Let’s face it. Long-distance relationships are ALWAYS tough, whether you’re kinky or vanilla. But in some ways, a D/s relationship can help fan the flames of your desire from afar in a way a vanilla relationship might not.

Why is that?

Well, at its core, D/s, or dominance and submission, is about control and power. One of the things that makes LDRs so hard is the feeling that even though you have a partner, you are physically alone. Or even if you’re polyamorous and you’re not alone, the partner who isn’t there, physically isn’t there. You can’t touch him!

However, D/s can allow you to feel your partner’s presence even when they aren’t with you if you feel that they are exerting some control or power over your daily life or you are exerting control or power over theirs. This can be done in a variety of ways. Some examples I’ve seen and used are:

  • Rituals. A ritual is often religious, but in this context, it’s something that you do regularly in a prescribed way. For example, a domme could ask her sub to send her a daily picture or daily journal entry. She might even give her sub a specific way to take the picture, such as naked or in a certain style of dress. Or the picture might not even have to be of the sub. It could be a picture of something happening in his daily life that he shares with his mistress. The journal entry could be about his personal life, his feelings about his partner or his love for Star Trek. It doesn’t matter what the ritual is. It can even be something tiny, like when taking off your shoes, placing them in the direction of your dominant. The point is that it’s something done on a regular basis that reminds each person in the relationship of one another and the dynamics of the power exchange.
  • Taking Control Over Everyday Life. Some dommes relationships exert control over their partner’s everyday lives. This can be done in a variety of ways, but most are either neutral or used to help improve the sub’s life. For example, some dommes might require their subs to eat healthfully and write down their diets or stick to an exercise regime. This could be done for the man’s health but also to please his domme with his physique. I have seen some dommes order partners with anxiety or stress to meditate daily to help them with their mental and emotional health. Some dommes might require their partners to wear panties under their more “masculine” outer attire to help them feel submissive and/or remind them of their partner.
  • Kink Play. Although the couple in the relationship might not be together, that doesn’t mean there can’t be kinky play. This can be done alone, or with the help of Skype or Facetime, “together.” Orgasm control and denial games are perfect for long distance relationships because they’re fun and remind the sub that his domme has sexual power over him. A domme might not allow her sub to orgasm until he sees her again, and instead might keep him in a chastity cage (I would recommend having a safety key available.) or have him on an honor system. She could require him to edge himself every day to keep him hungry for her. Or she could require him to have an orgasm every day, but only in the way that she prescribes or with her watching him and directing him on Skype. Sexting is also helpful in this kind of play, if you like the written word.  
  • Plan for Seeing Each Other Again. Hopefully, you will see your partner again. Although purely long-distance relationships exist, those are a different animal. If you have no expectation of ever meeting in the flesh, the relationship exists more as a fantasy. But assuming that you will see your partner again, think of the things you will do when that happens. Dommes, think of fun scenes you might do with your submissive. Submissives, think of ways you might please your domme. Focusing on the excitement you will have when you’re together again can help you focus less on the time you have waiting for that to happen. However, try not to focus so much that you neglect your social life without your partner. If you only focus on someone who isn’t physically there, you can get lonely and bored and boring. Keep the other parts of your life healthy and vibrant so you actually have things to talk about with your partner while you are apart and together.

Long-distance D/s relationships can be difficult, just as all long-distance relationships can be difficult. But even vanilla people could benefit from infusing their relationships with some D/s play when they are apart to help keep the connection alive with partners who are physically away from one another for a time.

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