If a Domme Has Sex With Her Submissive, Is She Still Dominant?

female dominant sex

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

There is a weird misconception about femdom that if you are a female dominant, having sex with your male submissive makes you somehow less dominant. But this could not be farther from the truth. So, let’s talk about where this belief might come from and why it’s wrong. 

My first guess about where this stereotype developed is…as usual…porn. Because porn is typically developed by men and for men, it caters to typical male fantasies. 

Now, I’m not saying that the majority of male submissives actually never want to have sex with their female partners. In fact, I think the majority would be pretty sad if they couldn’t. But porn isn’t about reality. It’s about fantasy. And it can be a powerful fantasy for some men that they are denied sex by a woman they crave and only allowed to service her in other ways, such as by giving her all the oral sex she wants and denying their own pleasure.

There’s also a weird misogynistic viewpoint that’s kind of standard that women don’t really like PIV sex and that it’s something they only do for men. Therefore, it makes sense that within these fantasies, women wouldn’t “have” to have sex. That “burden” is lifted off of them, and instead, they only need to receive pleasure. 

Ironically, there’s also a big emphasis in femdom porn on pegging, which is when a woman penetrates a man anally with a strap on dildo. In a lot of femdom porn, the pegging replaces PIV sex. I believe this is because a lot of submissive men (and quite a few who aren’t submissive) fantasize about pegging and are afraid to ask for it from their partners because they worry it will make them appear less masculine. 

Also, some sub men have a desire to be humiliated. And they may consciously or subconsciously see pegging as somewhat humiliating, whether that’s because it’s anal play, which they may see as embarrassing or because it involves a woman penetrating them instead of them penetrating a woman. Plus, men have prostates, and pegging can just feel really good. 

I say that this is ironic because it’s hard for a woman to receive physical pleasure from pegging. Some strap on harnesses have pockets where you can insert a bullet vibrator to provide some sensation as you penetrate a man, and some women might get off on the grinding action and/or be mentally stimulated by the act. There are even a few dildos that are double ended, where she can wear one vaginally and also penetrate him anally. But since the majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, even a double ended dildo isn’t going to do it for most women. They also have a tendency not to stay put. A dildo isn’t attached to a woman. She can’t feel it. So, while lots of women do enjoy pegging for the mental and potential limited physical stimulation, pegging is likely to give a man more pleasure than a woman. 

So, that’s where I believe this misconception started. Now, about its accuracy? 

Most women enjoy having PIV sex with a partner who cares enough to help them enjoy it. Are there women who just don’t like having PIV sex? Sure. Like there are people who don’t enjoy a variety of sexual acts. I haven’t met one, but I know there are some guys out there who must not like blow jobs. 

I think the misconception about women not enjoying PIV sex started because there wasn’t a lot of education for or about women’s sexuality. Society didn’t place an emphasis on women enjoying sex, and because so many women do need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, lots of men weren’t providing what they needed to enjoy PIV sex. Foreplay doesn’t hurt either!

But we live in modern times now, and more women and men understand how to have sex that pleases both themselves and their partners. Most of the women I know, vanilla, bottom or top, enjoy PIV sex, the physical sensations it provides and the intimacy it allows for with partners. 

I don’t personally believe that sex is an inherently kinky act. I mean, vanilla people mostly have loving egalitarian sex. It’s the attitude with which you infuse the sex that makes it kinky. If you’re a domme, and you really like being on the bottom and receiving rough sex, it doesn’t make you any less dominant to ask for what you want. You’re in charge. It’s your sub’s desire to give you what you want and what  brings you pleasure. 

There are obviously some small physical choices that can make having PIV sex as a domme feel more dominant, such as being on top, lightly holding your partner’s throat or chin (get educated if you want to try breath play), or sticking your fingers in their mouth to suck as you have sex with them. You could forbid your sub to orgasm or tell him he can only orgasm after you do. You can talk dirty to him and tell him what a good boy he’s being for you. Or that he’s a bad boy and after you’re done, you’re going to give him the discipline he needs. 

The choices are endless. 

Essentially, there is nothing dominant or submissive about PIV sex. You shouldn’t let outdated, misogynistic stereotypes keep you from enjoying your pleasure or your partner. 

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