Ups and Downs and Ups Again

The Rough Subbe and I have been going through some challenging things lately regarding our relationship. It is always somewhat tenuous because of our ages and places in life, but sometimes I feel it more than other times.

Yes! Dommes can get insecure. And it is very bad for a D/s dynamic—at least mine. When I feel insecure in our relationship, I veer between anger at him for making me feel insecure, anger at myself for staying in a situation that’s making me feel that way, and then an intense desire to please, which is rather counterintuitive for an F/m relationship. Also, all of this veering can happen all at once. I’ll be nice and kind and then end making some cutting remark that belies my hostility.

However, I will say that something (at least temporarily) positive has come out of this latest difficult period. Our kink has been on the back burner for a while now. When people would ask me to make more podcasts, I really wasn’t sure what we could talk about. We’ve been together for a decent number of years now, and I’d say we tend to have hot sort of kinky (to us) sex for like 20 minutes every couple of days and then there’s a lot of watching tv and snuggling. This is opposed to the often quite creative and long sessions we had closer to the beginning of our relationship. Also, our kinky sex probably looks kind of boring to outsiders because it’s based on psychological kinks.

But now we are fired up. We got into some pretty hot texting sessions about cuckolding and loaning him out to friends to please them. I even gave him some phone sex–gratis! (I felt like it. It was hot.) I have never cuckolded him. It’s not that I’m against it. I’m just very picky! But I have seen him make out with and have sex with other women, and it turns out I am SUCH a voyeur. So, we’ve been toying with some idea of possibly making either or those things happen. And having a lot of fun thinking about those possibilities.

We also practice chastity at times, although mostly through the honor system. TRS has a lot of anxiety around chastity devices, which I completely understand and respect. He finds them hot, but he gets scared when he experiences discomfort.

He doesn’t know quite yet—unless he manages to look at this—but I made him a cock jewelry chain as well as a Taylor Swift style cock bracelet to wear. LOL. It says VIVIAN’S COCk and MINE in beads. I wasn’t sure which one, if either would stay on. My hope is for him to be able to wear it for longer stretches as a reminder of who it belongs to—without the anxiety of feeling he’s being hurt.

So now he is extremely horny and attentive and excited. I do like him that way. He told me might want me to deny him for a month or more. He’ll change his mind about that but perhaps I’ll hold him to it. I might also feel inspired to go out to a kink event or two—something we had not really been doing for quite a while because we got bored with them. But I’ve feel the desire to be exhibitionistic with my toy and show everyone that he belongs to me, and I own him.