Why I’m a Domme but I’m Also a Happy Top!

man kissing woman's leg

After my last very theoretical discussion about ethics and trans women and sex work, let’s get back to basics.

I am basically a top.

Now, there are several ways we use the words “top” and “bottom” related to sex. Some people use the words to say who is doing the penetrating and getting penetrated. That’s one way.

In kink, topping generally refers to the person doing something and bottoming refers to the person who is having things done to them.

But there is also often a differentiation we make between tops and dommes. You can be a top without power exchange. You can also be a service top, which is basically when you’re doing something for the bottom’s benefit. (Although I don’t always see service topping as being this way….like the top isn’t getting anything out of it.)

You can be a dominant bottom, which means that you order someone to do things TO you, and you can be a submissive top, usually meaning that you’re service topping—doing something to your domme because she told you to do it.

I am a domme who prefers to top.

What I mean by this is that I prefer to be the one doing the doing! I prefer to do things to others rather than being done to.

And while this is not problematic in my personal kink relationship, I do notice that there is an assumption that a lot of dommes are actually dominant bottoms.

There is a big emphasis on both service and “worship” in femdom….especially what we might call “oral servitude.” Really, this means that a lot of submissive men, like a lot of vanilla men and a lot of dominant men, like licking pussy.

Now, hey…considering how women’s vaginas have been historically treated and considering that it was not that long ago that a woman’s sexual pleasure was considered completely beside the point, I’m not knocking men’s desire to sexually satisfy women.

And we do know that for many women, having orgasms simply from PIV alone can be difficult. A lot of women love getting oral, and it is the most consistent way for them to orgasm.

For me, oral sex is complicated. Thanks to an early bad teenage experience with a man who shamed me over my pussy, I’ve always been kind of nervous about men going down on me. I also find it really hard to enjoy myself because I’m constantly thinking about if they’re enjoying it or not, if I’m going to come, how long I’m taking to come, if I’m really enjoying this, if maybe they moved a little to the left it would be better, no maybe to the right, what am I having for dinner later, is this getting boring for them, is this getting boring for me, wait maybe I’m going to come, wait maybe no I’m not, shit, how long are they going to keep doing this, fuck where is my god damned vibrator.

That is actually what a lot of having things done TO me feels like for me. My body is simply not that sensitive. And if my mind isn’t aroused, there is practically nothing someone could do to my body that would be anything more than just…pleasant.

Can I come from oral sex? Yes. And sometimes I enjoy it.

Can I enjoy worship and service and all of these other things where I am being given to and done for? Yes. In certain times and ways.

But I’m also a very controlling person and a very impatient person. And it just turns me on to see my effect on someone else. That’s what gets me hot.

The Rough Subbe is generally a bottom, so that works out well for us. I do sometimes let him do things to me and for me, but he likes objectification and being my slut and letting me use him and tease him and watch him get all whimpery and beggy. And that’s what I like too.

(I do sometimes switch. Maybe 10%-15% of the time? And when I switch, I also like to be the one giving and doing.)

I don’t think it’s wrong if you’re a domme and you love getting served and lying back and just enjoy being worshipped. (I always think about being some kind of Greek goddess being fed frozen grapes.)

But just a reminder that there ARE dommes out there who prefer to take the active role most of the time. This does NOT mean that they just want to cater to guy’s kinks. I only top for things for that I find hot. But I definitely prefer to be the one who is running the show and performing it as well.

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