I am picky about men.

I don’t mean sexually, although that’s also true. I’m sexually picky far beyond what I deserve based on my own fuckability. Purely objectively. And that’s not really a choice. I would certainly like to be attracted to more people. I’m just generally…not.

I mean that I’m picky about the men I like as people, and whom I choose to be around. This may have something to do with the fact that I usually say I generally LIKE men, and then people are surprised about that. Even other men.

But I think that’s because I am so picky about the men I will tolerate in my life.

There was a time when I was terrified by men. Boys, actually. And that’s not because I suffered sexual trauma. I really didn’t. I was very lucky in that regard. But because I didn’t know how to relate to men. I didn’t have a very good relationship with my own father, although not because he was the kind of man I now dislike but because he was a complicated person.

And from a very early age it was clear that boys held some kind of judgement about me, that my body was somehow theirs to assess and bestow approval or disapproval upon. And that scared me, because I didn’t have a “perfect” body. So, I tried to hide from them.

I also thought a lot of boys were stupid because of the kinds of girls they were attracted to—always the ones who laughed at their unfunny jokes and sat on their laps and complimented them and stroked their egos. The only thing I hated more than the facile games those girls played were the boys dumb and cockstruck enough to fall for them.

I gravitated, at first, toward gay men. And I think I always have, and that may also be why I like a little bit of “femininity” in men, not that gay men are always “feminine.” Gay men didn’t judge my body because they didn’t care about it. And I found them usually funny and strong and able to laugh at themselves in a way most straight men couldn’t.

But as I got older, I allowed more straight men into my life. And looking back, I realize that I am just very….picky…about men I like. It doesn’t have much to do with kink, although I would say that far more male doms I meet fall into the category of “don’t like” than men who don’t identify that way. But it’s not universal. I can think of a couple of men who identify that way whom I adore.

Things I Like

Men who are quietly confident in themselves

Men who don’t feel the need to prove their manhood

Men who aren’t obsessed with professional sports

Men who wouldn’t be caught dead in a fraternity house

Men who are chivalrous without being misogynists

Men who like women who like to be the center attention, or at least don’t mind if they aren’t

Men who aren’t control freaks (and don’t mind women who are for a purely personal reason)

Men who read

Men who like to learn

Men who listen as much as or more than they speak

Men who like funny women (a surprising number do not)

Men who don’t depend on adulation to validate themselves

Men who adore me

Overall, I like men who don’t try to prove too much that they are “men.” My favorite men are self-effacing.

That does not mean weak. On the contrary, most self-effacing men are quite strong.

They are self-effacing because they have confidence in themselves. They don’t need to prove anything to anyone because they trust their own capabilities, intellect, sense of humor. Those excellent qualities will reveal themselves over time.

Truthfully, I gel with these kinds of men because of some of the things I AM. I do like to be funny. I do like to be the center of attention. I am a control freak.

Two people constantly competing for attention don’t do well together. It’s just that in our culture, it’s usually men who are the ones everyone assumes will be the dominant ones, the funny ones, the ones deserving of adulation.

And that bores me and bothers me. I don’t mind if my partner is just as funny as I am. (In fact, he’d better be.) But he needs to let me believe that I’m just a little bit funnier. And if he is a gentleman, he will, even if we both know deep down that there is some pandering to my ego going on. Because that is a part of his adoration. And that’s really fucking hot.

And while those are qualities that will help me be sexually attracted to a man, they’re also qualities I look for in my friendships with men, perhaps barring the part about adoring ME, specifically. Although I am always fine with some platonic adoration.

Because just because we’re not having sex, doesn’t mean you can’t think I’m fabulous. And I will gladly return the adulation, just as long as you know I’m a smidgen more fabulous than you.