Why I’m Into Gentle Femdom

Sometimes I wonder why and how my sexuality developed as it did. I can’t say I always knew that I liked to be in charge sexually, although I always knew that power dynamics turned me on. My earliest sexual fantasies involved control, humiliation, embarrassment, the idea that someone was taking sexual pleasure in someone else’s pain. I just didn’t realize that I liked being the person WITH the control and causing the embarrassment or pain.

I’m still able to fantasize equally about topping and bottoming, since my fantasies don’t usually involve me. When I fantasize, I often float between what each person in my fantasy is feeling and thinking. I can enjoy the power of the top and the submission of the bottom. So, in my fantasies I am a total switch.

But in reality….

Sex just doesn’t usually go well for me when I’m not in control. Intellectually and physically.

Sex just doesn’t usually go well for me when I’m not in control. Intellectually and physically.

For me, sex is very intellectual. I wasn’t blessed with an acutely sensitive body. It takes a lot to get me to orgasm, and there’s no way I will ever get there if my mind isn’t engaged in the process. I’ve met women who are commonly multiply orgasmic and who simply enjoy the physical feelings of sex, and that sounds great!

How simple! How easy! Sex will never be that for me. The excitement has to build in my brain before my body will register pleasure. And my brain requires some element of the taboo to register pleasure.

Transgression makes me hot.    

Controlling Fox Tv GIF by Paradise Hotel - Find & Share on GIPHY

I’m also controlling. And while I’d like to say that this is because I’m a supremely confident women who excels in every aspect of her life, that’s probably not true. I know it’s not true! I’m controlling because it’s a personality trait–one that has sometimes manifested in ways that haven’t been good for me. In fact, I have tried over the years to leave a lot of my “bad” control issues behind and replace them with better techniques to manage anxiety. One thing that will probably never change, though, is that II have a lot of opinions and have never been afraid to express them. I don’t do well with men who try to dominate me. I have had enough of that in my life, and I don’t need more of it from a romantic partner.

When I first started experimenting with kink, I tried being a bottom. I assumed, because I was a woman and because I had enjoyed fantasies of women being submissive, that I would naturally gravitate to that role in person.

But it didn’t work out that way.

What ended up happening was that:

 A. I wasn’t with someone who was into sexual domination to begin with, and…

 B. I kept getting frustrated that, “he wasn’t doing it right,” and I tried to orchestrate the entire scene, which just made me more frustrated because it felt fake and forced.

And I think I basically gave up on it and just went back to fantasizing about gentle femdom, which always worked out well because fantasies lived inside the total control of my own brain. And I was pretty content with that.

As I got older, two things changed. One was that I became more confident about my sexuality. I realized more and more what I liked, accepted that I could only orgasm on top 99% of the time. I also developed sexual pain, which made me have to rethink my sexuality and how to give and receive pleasure. And I think that was when I really began to embrace being sexually dominant.

But what I like developed from my own experiences. I was never drawn to femdom porn. The cruelty and disdain was unappealing (although I liked the outfits). And, for me, while fantasies of cruelty are fun, in reality, the dominance I liked to exert over a partner was much more gentle and psychological than based on brute force. I don’t remember when I first heard the term “gentle femdom,” but it was clear from the images and fantasies associated with it that I had found my niche.

Playing Call Me GIF by Olga - Find & Share on GIPHY

But, of course, within that niche are a variety of things that people enjoy. For me, I like making my partner feel embarrassed. I like making him feel desperate. I like eliciting strong reactions. I like noises! I like biting and scratching and marking. I like being on top. I like edging and ruining and orgasm control and denial. I like role plays involving corruption of innocence and treating my partner like a beloved object.

Some people would say that some of that isn’t gentle femdom. It’s not gentle enough. Some people would say it’s too gentle! But it is what’s exciting to me right now.

4 thoughts on “Why I’m Into Gentle Femdom

  1. OMG you touched on so many things that are relevant to me and who I am. Intelligence is a must, for the most part it all revolves around the mind that is the conductor that controls the engine for me. Without that aspect there really isn’t much more. Also with as you describe gentle domination versus fantasy is that gentle is more rooted in reality it seems to me. It can be actually lived and experienced on a regular basis with some of the fantasy domination mixed in. Its interesting how you described your in ability to bottom, I have done the same thing my mind runs no stop so to not top from the bottom is not an easy thing for me. This is where partner choice really matters a lot, well for me at least. gentle enough V too gentle is all in the eye of the beholder, what works for you is what works for you. Sometimes what works for you today doesn’t tomorrow. Well look I about hijacked your post sorry about that, you just hit many points that are relative to me and my mind raced and I typed. LOL

  2. Today I was also wondering why and how my sexuality developed as a sub male. Going back through girlfriends, wife, teachers, classmates, I realized I just enjoyed too much the conversations, their way to see world and life. The resulting creative energy from my interactions with women was just bigger than physicality. As much as I enjoyed sensations, they felt empty when not guided into a higher purpose.

    It hit me when you said “For me, sex is very intellectual.” I hadn’t realized that that’s true for me too! Thank you for your blog!

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