Why I’m Into Gentle Femdom

Sometimes I wonder why and how my sexuality developed as it did. I can’t say I always knew that I liked to be in charge sexually, although I always knew that power dynamics turned me on. My earliest sexual fantasies involved control, humiliation, embarrassment, the idea that someone was taking sexual pleasure in someone else’s pain. I just didn’t realize that I liked being the person WITH the control and causing the embarrassment or pain.

I’m still able to fantasize equally about topping and bottoming, since my fantasies don’t usually involve me. When I fantasize, I often float between what each person in my fantasy is feeling and thinking. I can enjoy the power of the top and the submission of the bottom. So, in my fantasies I am a total switch.

But in reality….

Sex just doesn’t usually go well for me when I’m not in control. Intellectually and physically.

Sex just doesn’t usually go well for me when I’m not in control. Intellectually and physically.

For me, sex is very intellectual. I wasn’t blessed with an acutely sensitive body. It takes a lot to get me to orgasm, and there’s no way I will ever get there if my mind isn’t engaged in the process. I’ve met women who are commonly multiply orgasmic and who simply enjoy the physical feelings of sex, and that sounds great!

How simple! How easy! Sex will never be that for me. The excitement has to build in my brain before my body will register pleasure. And my brain requires some element of the taboo to register pleasure.

Transgression makes me hot.    

Controlling Fox Tv GIF by Paradise Hotel - Find & Share on GIPHY

I’m also controlling. And while I’d like to say that this is because I’m a supremely confident women who excels in every aspect of her life, that’s probably not true. I know it’s not true! I’m controlling because it’s a personality trait–one that has sometimes manifested in ways that haven’t been good for me. In fact, I have tried over the years to leave a lot of my “bad” control issues behind and replace them with better techniques to manage anxiety. One thing that will probably never change, though, is that II have a lot of opinions and have never been afraid to express them. I don’t do well with men who try to dominate me. I have had enough of that in my life, and I don’t need more of it from a romantic partner.

When I first started experimenting with kink, I tried being a bottom. I assumed, because I was a woman and because I had enjoyed fantasies of women being submissive, that I would naturally gravitate to that role in person.

But it didn’t work out that way.

What ended up happening was that:

 A. I wasn’t with someone who was into sexual domination to begin with, and…

 B. I kept getting frustrated that, “he wasn’t doing it right,” and I tried to orchestrate the entire scene, which just made me more frustrated because it felt fake and forced.

And I think I basically gave up on it and just went back to fantasizing about gentle femdom, which always worked out well because fantasies lived inside the total control of my own brain. And I was pretty content with that.

As I got older, two things changed. One was that I became more confident about my sexuality. I realized more and more what I liked, accepted that I could only orgasm on top 99% of the time. I also developed sexual pain, which made me have to rethink my sexuality and how to give and receive pleasure. And I think that was when I really began to embrace being sexually dominant.

But what I like developed from my own experiences. I was never drawn to femdom porn. The cruelty and disdain was unappealing (although I liked the outfits). And, for me, while fantasies of cruelty are fun, in reality, the dominance I liked to exert over a partner was much more gentle and psychological than based on brute force. I don’t remember when I first heard the term “gentle femdom,” but it was clear from the images and fantasies associated with it that I had found my niche.

Playing Call Me GIF by Olga - Find & Share on GIPHY

But, of course, within that niche are a variety of things that people enjoy. For me, I like making my partner feel embarrassed. I like making him feel desperate. I like eliciting strong reactions. I like noises! I like biting and scratching and marking. I like being on top. I like edging and ruining and orgasm control and denial. I like role plays involving corruption of innocence and treating my partner like a beloved object.

Some people would say that some of that isn’t gentle femdom. It’s not gentle enough. Some people would say it’s too gentle! But it is what’s exciting to me right now.

Twenty-Five Things About The Gentle Domme

I realize I don’t talk a lot about MYSELF on here, and that’s partly because I’m trying to maintain some anonymity. But today I felt like indulging myself. So, here are twenty-five things about this gentle femdomme!

  1. Were you named after anyone? Yes. I was named after a relative. I have an unusual name, which I like. I always felt sorry for the twelve girls I knew named Karen or Jessica or Jennifer.
  2. When was the last time you cried? Oh, probably yesterday. I cry all the time. I cry when I’m sad but also when I’m frustrated and angry. And I am an ugly, loud crier.
  3. Do you like your handwriting? No. Well, I mean, I don’t dislike it, but I have very messy handwriting for a reason a little too personal to reveal here. Writing by hand makes my hands get tired very quickly. I prefer to type.
  4. What is your favorite lunch meat? I often feel squicky eating meat, lunch meat in particular. I admit I liked salami sandwiches when I was a kid, which seems pretty gross now.
  5. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Living in a big city making up for lost time.
  6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? THIS is a great question. Knowing all of my flaws so well, I don’t know if I would be friends with me. Sometimes I don’t like myself very much, and I’m always afraid people will see “through” me and decide they hate me. But I also believe that everyone is flawed, and I still find people to love. So, maybe I would be friends with me.
  7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? NEVER.
  8. What body part of yours do you like the best? I have fabulous legs. They run in my family. (Get it?) 
  9. Would you bungee jump? I want to say yes, but probably not. I’ve ziplined before. I’m not really afraid of heights, but stepping off into the void sounds terrifying.
  10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I rarely wear shoes that have laces, but when I do, no. Not if I can help it.
  11. Do you think you are strong? I am the strongest emotionally weak person I know. I cry and curse my way through terrible things, but I never give up. I have pathetic upper body strength, but my thighs could probably crack walnuts.  LOL. Okay. Probably not, but I have strong legs. Maybe a different kind of nuts.
  12. What is your favorite ice cream? Praline. (There with the nuts again!)
  13. What is the first thing you notice about people? Whether they seem emotionally open or not. I like people who make themselves vulnerable. Closed off people intimidate me, and I assume they won’t like me.
  14. Red or pink? Pink.  Of course.
  15. What is the least favorite thing about yourself? That I have trouble trusting myself to make the right choices for me.
  16. Who do you miss the most? My dog.
  17. What are you listening to right now? The sounds of my fingers clicking on the keyboard.
  18. Favorite smells? Jo Malone perfume. Baking bread. A clean linen closet.
  19. Favorite sports to watch? The Scripps National Spelling Bee.
  20. Favorite food? Freshly baked bread.
  21. Last movie you watched? The Boys in the Band remake on Netflix.
  22. Any tattoos? No. I wanted one when I was younger and my friends were all getting them. But I never did, and it was probably for the best.
  23. Who is your hero? I don’t have a hero. Is that sad? There are people I admire for various reasons, mostly creative people. But there’s no one I would call a hero. I think people are all too flawed for that.  
  24. What is the best gift you’ve been given? The best gifts I’ve been given have been the personal ones that someone took a lot of time and thought into creating. Although I like pretty things, I’m not very impressed with them as gifts.
  25. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? May implode at any time.