I had known since I was a girl that I had kinky fantasies. Like a lot of women who realize they’re kinky, I started out believing that I was a submissive because I was a girl and girls are supposed to be demure and passive objects—or at least that’s what I thought. I was also exposed to submission in mainstream culture. Romance novels almost always feature the powerful man who seduces and conquers the innocent young women. Leading men in movies take the lead, and the supporting actresses follow.

The funny thing is that even back then I was attracted to the rare media images of seductive and powerful women. My favorites were vampire like figures like Morticia Addams, so controlled, queen of her castle, and Elvira, the bodacious late night horror host who was a funny temptress. I loved the idea of men swooning for me, teasing them and making them want to die with lust for me! It’s actually kind of funny when you realize that these women had to be literally supernatural to be portrayed as sexually in control and powerful….and not evil….although definitely a little devilish!

The funny thing is that even back then I was attracted to the rare media images of seductive and powerful women.

But it wasn’t until I was much older that I realized I was into dominating men. I had tried to add kink into my relationships as a submissive, but it didn’t go well because I only wanted to be “dominated” in the way I wanted to be “dominated.” The truth is that I didn’t want to be dominated at all. I wanted to be topped. But really, I liked having control too much to want to lose any of it.

When I did start dominating men, or topping them, depending on your definition of what domination means, my style didn’t look anything like what I had seen in porn movies. I had seen some femdom porn, and most of it featured model like women in black latex and leather treating men like they were both figuratively and literally above them. There was an attitude present that the women disliked these men and were both simultaneously giving them exactly what they wanted and punishing them for some unknown or unclear infraction at the same time.

Now I know that lots of men like this fantasy, but the idea that I would dislike or act like I disliked a man I wanted to do sexy things with seemed ridiculous. It was also largely unclear from these videos what the women were actually getting out of the scene. They didn’t seem to like their partners or what they were doing very much, and most of them weren’t even receiving any sexual stimulation. This didn’t feel like me at all. In fact, I didn’t associate myself with being a femdomme if that’s what femdom was.

When I did start dominating men, or topping them, depending on your definition of what domination means, my style didn’t look anything like what I had seen in porn movies.

Instead, I found that my style was teasing and silly. I found myself laughing a lot. I liked the reactions of my partners—making them moan and gasp and whimper and beg and knowing that it was because of me and what I was doing to them. It made me feel so powerful and desired. I found myself talking sweetly. I have discovered since then that my favorite tone is an affectionate yet slightly mocking one. I love the idea that my submissive or bottom knows I feel tenderly toward him but am also amused by his predicament.

With the rise of amateur porn, especially kinky Tumblr, god rest its soul, I gradually began to see new representations of female domination, ones that were closer to the things I liked, largely tease and denial and light sadism. Women and men had varied body shapes. The dommes weren’t all porn stars. In fact, most weren’t. Tumblr was where I learned that there was an entire community of people like me, who liked what was called gentle femdom. Unfortunately, Tumblr got rid of most X-rated material and that community has since scattered.

Tumblr was where I learned that there was an entire community of people like me, who liked what was called gentle femdom.

I do think that when most people take an interest in femdom, they are usually led first to these very stereotypical representations of what it looks like. Since the majority of porn is consumed by men, it’s clearly what porn producers think men want—although having talked to a lot of submissive men at this point, many don’t even like the fantasy of a nasty bitch goddess who demeans and humiliates them, let alone the reality.

Thankfully, amateur porn and individually produced porn has helped widen the understanding of what femdom can be. It’s harder at this point to say all femdom porn is terrible. It’s not. There’s some really good femdom porn out there that’s sexy and sweet and fairly realistic in that both of the people (or more) in the video seem to like doing what they’re doing together and there is mutual satisfaction. There’s even femdom porn showing dommes having sex with their subs, which of course happens all the time in real life, but is often left out of femdom porn because of some misguided belief that it makes the women less powerful.

At this point, what I would say is the major difference between femdom porn and actual sexy times between dommes and subs is the same difference between all porn and all sex not made for consumption. Porn is produced. Even most amateur porn is made with the intention to distribute it. Awkward spots can be cut out. There isn’t usually a conversation between the people about what they want and what they don’t want, what they’re in the mood for and what they’re not. The people tend to be very physically attractive, more so than the average. People playing with kink, whether it involves PIV sex or not, are doing it for their own fun and amusement whereas people in porn are generally doing it for the viewers’ fun and amusement.

At this point, what I would say is the major difference between femdom porn and actual sexy times between dommes and subs is the same difference between all porn and all sex not made for consumption. Porn is produced.

I think it’s fine to watch porn. I get ideas from it about things I might like to try. Sometimes it puts me and/or my partner in the mood.  Sometimes I just use it to titillate myself. But don’t forget that porn is porn. Whether you’re having vanilla sex or kinky sex, remember that it’s not necessarily going to look like what you see on your computer or your phone. But if you’re with someone you like and with whom you can communicate, one thousand to one, it’s going to be better!

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