Who Puts the Good in “Good Boy?” And Why Praise Kink is a Powerful Form of Therapy

If you haven’t guessed by the copious amount of writing I do on a daily basis—I’m a word person.

I LOVE words.

And I LOVE incorporating words into sex, specifically kinky sex.

In fact, a lot of the sex I have would probably look like vanilla sex (except maybe for a hand over the mouth or on the throat) if it was on mute. It only gets really kinky if you turn up the volume and listen.

And of ALL the sexy words and phrases I love, “Good boy,” probably does it the most for me.

If you read my writing or listen to my audio recordings, you’ll hear me say it a lot. Sometimes it’s in the form of a question. Are you my good boy? Sometimes it’s an answer and a call for repetition. Yes, you ARE my good boy. TELL me you’re my good boy!

I’m definitely not alone in my “good boy” kink. There are numerous Reddit discussions where someone shyly admits that getting called a good boy or a good girl makes them crazy horny, and then hundreds of other people cop to their own adoration of the term.

But what is it about “good boy” that’s so hot?

(If I’m being honest, when I’m feeling switchy, “good girl,” does it for me too.)

I guess you might call it a praise kink. That’s quite popular in gentle femdom. In fact, one of the best pieces of advice I got about humiliation in kink was using a humiliating word in an endearing and possessive way. So, instead of saying, “You’re a slut,” you say, “You’re MY good little submissive slut!” It sounds a lot sweeter and gives the thrill without the sting.

I think good boy hits the same notes. You call a dog you love a good boy, so it has that association with a creature who is beloved but not quite human and without human rights. A boy is diminutive. A boy isn’t a man. So, it toys with age play and the dynamics of feeling like someone is in a nurturing place of power over you—that you are a little beneath them, but you know they care about you. It gives that submissive shiver of giving yourself over to someone who you know values you.

• And not to get too deep into my many years of therapy, doesn’t everyone really want to be a good boy or a good girl?

• How many of us wish we felt that from our parents, but didn’t?

• How many of us wish we were validated more?

• Have secret guilt about who we are?

• Our faults?

• Our private desires that we worry are shameful?

• Especially if we think they’re out of the norm.

When someone you care about and are willing to be honest with sees those desires and accepts them and even praises you for them, you feel—well—you feel good.

You feel free.

I think it says something about our culture that so many of us crave that feeling of validation, even random people on Reddit who don’t identify as people part of the kink community at all.

What are so many of us lacking when it comes to feeling really known and accepted and loved—and why?

And why do I love calling my partner my good boy? Partly, it’s his reactions. I can tell how much he likes it, and that makes me like it. Partly, maybe it’s the power I have to validate, to enable those feelings of vulnerability, tease them out and give him permission to just go for it! It’s a little dirty, a little sweet, a little dominant—all the things I like.

And it just feels so good to say it out loud.

“Good boy. Come hard for me now. What a good, good boy you are!”