Mommy Domme. Why does the word squick me out so?

There are tons of Daddy Doms on Fetlife with “little girls” who are actually 40, and that doesn’t bother me. I know it’s not really that 99.9% of these guys are pedophiles and want to abuse young girls any more than the women want to be ACTUALLY be little girls. It’s an age-related fantasy because age confers power or lack of it, and the idea of the loving but stern daddy who can take care of you but also keep you in line and guide you—well—it’s pretty hot. It’s not MY personal kink, but I understand what’s appealing about the idea.

In reality, a lot of what I do in my kink looks like being a mommy domme. My sub is younger than me. I’m very nurturing, even if sometimes that’s in a condescending slightly sadistic kind of way. We play with a lot of tease and denial and orgasm control more than with toys and pain. Mommy Dommes and gentle dommes have a lot in common. I regularly tag posts with the same terms.

But my sub doesn’t like the word, and I don’t like the word either, so we usually talk around it and use euphemisms for it. I think the question is why I don’t like it.

• I am an actual mother. I’ve had a child call me “mommy,” so mixing that word up with my sexuality feels strange. I don’t judge other people at all who feel fine with using the word, but it hits a little too close to home for me to feel comfortable with it.

• I don’t want to actually BE my sub’s mother. This should seem obvious, but if you look on the web and other femdom blogs, you will see lots of dommes complaining about their passive subs who seem to be looking for someone to help them figure out how to live their lives. I worry that it’s a close step from playing mom to being mom to a grown man, which is definitely NOT sexy. I’m so used to being a mom that it’s not difficult for me to start putting myself in that position. Making dinner. Picking clothes. I don’t need a label to reinforce that behavior in myself.

• I don’t want to be fetishized because of my age. You don’t have to be older to be a “mommy domme.” I’ve seen twenty-one-year old women using the title. But it’s usually associated with older women and younger men—just like the daddy dom phenomenon is often older guys with younger women. It’s ok with me that part of my sub’s attraction for me is related to my age. There IS something hot about feeling more experienced, and I think I’ve come into my sexuality more as I’ve aged. I think this is common in women, and I can see why many younger men are intrigued by that confidence and directness that’s hard for women to have when they’re younger and trying to figure themselves out. But I don’t want age to be my defining characteristic.

• Mommy and Daddy have different associations. This is the one that I think stems from toxic ideas about sex roles in our society. I do get annoyed at myself for having no problems with the daddy dom kink and yet being weirded out by the mommy domme thing. I mean, what’s the difference? These are both forms of kinky age play based on power dynamics. But somehow daddy isn’t creepy for me and mommy is. Why? Maybe it’s porn. Maybe I’ve just seen so much porn with grown women calling guys “daddy” that it feels normal to me. Maybe it’s because daddy is a figure of strength and fun while mommy is a figure of both nurturing but nagging—and what every psychologist asks you about in your sessions. I don’t exactly know why, but I know it bothers me that I so easily accept one and not the other.

So, am I a mommy domme? I am an approximation of a mommy domme. Maybe I’m a stern but caring teacher. Maybe I’m an aunt—not your mom but A mom. Maybe I’m the hot older neighbor who can teach a nice young boy a thing or two. I do like be encouraging and supportive, even when I’m using that encouragement to be kind of mean, (That’s the most fun kind of encouragement.) I do like cuddles. I do like snuggles. I do like my very good boy who does a very good job, and I like rewarding much more than I like punishing, but not as much as I like funishing. I do have a very ample busom to nestle one’s head between. 🙂