Sometimes people’s needs match up perfectly. But often they don’t. You might think that if you meet a partner through the kink community, you’re all set. You’re both kinky. What’s the problem? But as most experienced kinksters know, it’s not always that simple.

If you’re a switch and you meet a submissive man who doesn’t feel capable of switching and being dominant at times, it can lead to a tough situation. You can feel like you’re giving him what he needs, but a part of you isn’t getting what you need.

There’s no perfect solution to this issue, as you can’t change your partner’s sexual needs or kinky desires any more than he can change yours. But here are a few suggestions.

• He can try being a service top. Some submissive men who find it hard to get into a dominant headspace can get there if you order them to do it.  Explain how you want to feel and tell him that it’s job to evoke those feelings or sensations in you. It might take time for your partner to find his footing, especially if he doesn’t have any experience taking on the role of a top. Some men are afraid they will hurt their partners—and not in a good way. So, communication is key. This kind of arrangement can be especially helpful if you have masochistic desires and like kinky play, although it might not quite scratch your itch if you truly want to feel submissive because you might feel like you are still really in charge. But if your partner’s role play skills get good enough, you could feel less like a femdomme and more like a docile (or bratty) submissive. And if your boyfriend or husband’s confidence grows, he might also discover the fun of switching from time to time.

• Experiment. While there is no guarantee that your partner will end up enjoying being a dom or a top, sometimes we have preconceived notions about what we like and dislike. Just as some people have a stereotypical idea about what femdom looks like, your partner might have preconceived ideas about what it means to be a dom or to top a partner. Just like many women who might be turned off by stereotypical femdom find gentle femdom to be sexy and exciting, your partner might find elements of maledom stirring if you both explore fantasies and ideas together, forgoing the stereotypes and letting go of the idea that a dom needs to be stern or demanding. Daddy dommes are quite popular in the Scene these days, and they have a more nurturing quality that is similar to gentle femdom. But your partner does not even need to follow any specific example of dominance. You can create one yourself for your particular relationship.

• Meet your needs elsewhere. Depending on your relationship structure, you might find a dom who can help bring out the submissive feelings you’ve craving. While some kinky couples are non-monogamous, this doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship. It can just involve non-sexual play. You might meet up with a play partner at a dungeon from time to time or he or she could give you tasks to complete that will reinforce a submissive state. For some F/m couples, this kind of dynamic can work nicely with a sexual component, especially if your partner has cuckolding fantasies—although I would recommend starting slowly with this kind of relationship structure, because it can bring out a lot of difficult emotions and isn’t for everyone.

• End the relationship. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but if getting your submissive needs met is that important you and your partner is unable to meet those needs, you might think about whether the relationship will work out in the long run. There are many qualities that go into a successful relationship. So, if the rest of the relationship is working well, you might decide that fantasizing is enough. But if it’s not and your partner is unwilling or unable to meet those needs and you don’t want to add an outside party to your relationship, then you have to think seriously about whether you are compatible enough to be happy. Although both partners are kinky, this situation is really not so different from a kinky person who is involved with a vanilla person. It’s hard to “fake” desire. However, people’s tastes and desires can change over time.

Being a switch in a relationship with a sub can be a balancing act. Many relationships like these can work with compromise and communication, but ultimately, only you can decide what you need to be happy in relationship with someone. While some people feel that kink is the icing on the cake of their relationship, other see it as bedrock that needs to be fully stable for a relationship to survive and thrive.

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