What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person.

Hello men of Fetlife! I have met many nice specimens of you in real life. You are polite, even charming! Some of you look quite adorable in your underwear. However, it seems that quite a few of you do not know how to approach a woman online.

Let me help.

As a domme on Fetlife, I get many unsolicited messages, usually from 20 year olds with MILF fantasies. However, that does not mean that I get many interesting unsolicited messages. In fact, since I’m quite satisfied with my relationship arrangements right now, it has to be a pretty riveting message for me to even think of replying.

Men seem to think that just because women get a lot of interest on dating apps (which Fetlife is not really, but can be used in that way—sometimes), that means that quality equals quantity. It does not. I cannot tell you the number of messages I receive that are one sentence long, show that the person has taken zero interest in me as a human being, and make it glaringly clear that the same message has likely been sent out to 50 other women all in a row.

A lot of men fail to realize a few simple facts that would help their chances of getting responses from women. I didn’t say dates. Once you get a response, you’re on your own. But responses.

1. I am not interested in your penis before I am interested in you. Penises, in general, are pretty similar, and unless they are attached to an interesting brain and cute face (quite subjective), pictures and references to them are rather dull.
2. I am also not interested in learning about your kinks before I learn about you. It’s not spanking any guy that gets me hot. It’s spanking a guy I like who turns on my brain.
3. When you like my picture and write to me and then I go to your wall and see you’ve liked twenty other pictures in the last 10 minutes, that doesn’t make me feel very special. And I like to feel special.
4. When you don’t pay attention to what I’m looking for, it is obvious you didn’t read my profile. Meaning, no, I don’t want to be your sub-slut unicorn for you and your wife. I’m mostly straight, a domme, and I said I’m only looking for friendship and events—or can’t you read?
5. It’s dominant. Not dominate. Okay. Maybe I’m getting picky now. We aren’t all spelling whizzes.

What is likely to get you noticed and get a response? Basically, treating the person you are writing to as an actual person. Notice what she’s looking for. Is she even interested in dating? If not, consider you intentions in writing to her and adjust accordingly. Remember that you are an actual person—hopefully with hopes and dreams and interests beyond say, having your urethra sounded. Because there’s only so much sounding that one can do in a day, and after that you’re going to have to learn some conversational skills.

So, here is a sample letter you might use to approach me or other women on Fetlife. Think of it kind of like a kinky but polite Madlibs.

Dear Gentle Domme,

Hello! I am writing to you because the picture I saw of you ____________ was very intriguing to me because ________.

I then looked extensively at your profile because I am actually interested in you as a person and not a fetish dispenser, where I saw you were interested in __________. What a coincidence! I am also interested in ___________. I remember when I _____________ the____________ of the _______________. I also noticed that you liked _____________. That’s unusual. Can you tell more about it?

In my personal life, I enjoy ___________ because ____________ and in my professional life I ________________. I also really love _______________ , which I know is a little weird, but everyone has their quirks!

I won’t bother telling you about my kinks because that would be presumptuous since you can read all about them on my profile. You seem like a _________ woman, and I think we might get along because _________.

I saw that you were going to the __________ event. I’m also attending. It would be cool to get a chance to chat!

I hope you have a great day!

Random polite normal intelligent Fetlife guy

I can’t promise that following these guidelines will get you responses. But I can promise that you won’t look like every other twatwaffle who gets a raised eyebrow and an eye roll. Remember that cold calls have about a 1-3% success rate for scoring an appointment. But the rate jumps to 40% if you have a referral.

So, that’s a strong argument for leaving the computer once in a while and hitting up a munch or two. Isn’t it?

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