Since the name of my blog is The Gentle Domme, it’s likely that part of the reason you’re here is because you want a specific kind of femdom, a gentle femdom. You want a woman who can take control, but do it sweetly and make it clear that she loves and adores you, despite what “torture” she might inflict upon your naughty bits.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

There is no official test to identify someone as a femdomme or a gentle femdomme or a mean femdomme or even a dragon femdomme (except that maybe the fire breathing, scales, wings and love for hoarding gold could be a tip off). You can identify however you want, and it’s really up to people within each and every relationship to negotiate their own dynamics.

But for the sake of this blog, we’re going to define gentle femdom as femdom lite. There is more kissing and praising, less beating and name calling, more tender embarrassment, less degradation and humiliation, more teasing and honor chastity play, less CBT and cock cages that chafe.

The good thing about wanting a gentle femdom is that I believe they are relatively easy to find, if you let go of some preconceived notions about what you are looking for and where to look for it.

The first place people in a “niche market” think to go these days to find a partner is online. And if you’re into kink, the default website is Fetlife. Fetlife isn’t technically a dating site. It’s not organized like one. It’s more like kinky Facebook. There’s no harm in starting your search there. But remember that it will be easier to decide if you actually like someone and if they actually like you if you meet in person. So, do try to get away from the computer and use Fetlife to check out local events in your area.

When perusing Fetlife for potential partners, I would avoid profiles like Mistress_Goddess_Cockkiller888 who define themselves by what they like to do to men and have a harsh tone in their writing. Instead, consider women who don’t even label themselves as dommes. Look for tops, switches, kinksters, even women who say they are exploring and talk about who they are as people and what they are looking for outside of just kink.

When men go “domme hunting,” they think they are looking for someone who has her sexuality all figured out. But sexuality is fluid, and many younger women don’t even find their top sides until they gain some age, confidence and maturity. In short, don’t rule out women because they aren’t fitting a stereotypical image of a domme. They might not even know they are dommes yet, even though they are interested.  If you read a little deeper into a lot of women’s profiles, you’ll see that many bottoms also like to top, that many switches are into the idea of some F/m D/s but haven’t had the chance to really explore it yet.

I give this same advice for using vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid or even meeting women in person, through friends. The great thing about gentle femdom is that what turns a lot of women off from the idea of femdomme is a fear of being mean. Women are socialized to not be bossy, to not assert themselves to the detriment of someone else’s feelings.

But gentle femdom isn’t mean—usually—at least when you start out. 😉 It’s quite nurturing. Women are definitely socialized to be nurturing. So, if you find a sexually adventurous woman who isn’t too hung up on ideas about stereotypical and harmful beliefs regarding male strength and weakness, there’s a good chance she will at least give topping a man she likes a try.

That doesn’t mean she will discover she’s into it, or into it all the time.  And it doesn’t mean that she will necessarily want a full-time D/s relationship. But there are more women than most submissive men think who would be open to kinky play and power exchange in a relationship. They just get so hung up on finding a woman who looks like the women they’ve seen in porn or in fantasies, maybe partially because they are nervous and new and think that kind of women will know what to do, that they become sort of domme-blind to the women who might be their dream gentle dommes in a loving, playful relationship.

Yes. One on hand, if you’re both new or unsure, it will take a little time to find your groove as a couple. But, on the hand, you get to learn together what you both like and dislike. It’s a journey you take together. Essentially, my advice boils down to this. Dommes are women first, dommes second, or third or fourth, depending on their priorities. Especially when you’re looking for a gentle femdom, which usually involves relatively light play and loving relationship dynamics, don’t rule out women who don’t look or act like a stereotypical domme. If they are open and you have chemistry, there’s a good chance your relationship could bring out her domme side, benefitting you

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