Pardon the snark, since people are dealing with real death and despair, but I must admit that my interest in kink has waned quite a bit since COVID hit.
I wrote the majority of my earlier articles earlier in the year before the pandemic began. Therefore, my latest previous articles before this one were not dated correctly. I wasn’t out and about at a kink event in the middle of lockdown. That would have been very irresponsible!
My intention had been to keep writing, but once COVID hit, my libido took a definite downturn from which it hasn’t quite recovered. In addition, I obviously couldn’t attend any events. I think my partner in crime (AKA kink) and I turned to comfort rather than debauchery.
I hope to feel more inspired soon! And then I’ll be back with more articles. 🙂
I just returned from a favorite hotel takeover kink event of
mine, and I had intended to write a few posts to help people navigate these
kinds of events as newbies. But as I started to write, I realized that there
are some differences in the advice I would give to women than to men. So, I
decided to break these up into separate articles.
I think going to kink events as a man is harder than as a
woman—assuming your intention is to play with anyone other than a partner with
whom you attended the con. If you’re
just going with a partner and only want to play with that partner, it’s much
less stressful. But if you are man going to a con with a woman and you both
plan to play with others or you are going alone, I think it can be a stressful experience.
It’s really easy for women to get pick up play at cons. All you really have to do is write a message beforehand on the event site or a thread for arranging play and you will likely have offers. I’m not saying they will be GOOD offers or offers from people you really want to play with, but you are likely to have offers. Also, those offers will often come from men and other women. Female bisexuality or heteroflexibility is pretty open and prevalent in the Scene.
But what I hear from my male partners and male friends who
write those same messages is that they often get—crickets! They will write up
messages saying what they are looking for and get few to no responses.
Why is this? Well, it’s complicated. I think part of the
reason is that women have more options, so they are likely to pick men (or
women) they already have relationships with. I also think men don’t generally
do as good of a job at advertising themselves. And male bisexuality, while
given lip service as fine and dandy, isn’t nearly as open in the Scene as
In fact, my male partner said he would never go to a con as
a single guy. And I can understand why. It could easily be very lonely.
BUT…I have a good friend, a masochist, who just went to a con with me, and he had play night and day and day and night. I don’t know how he had the energy!
Now, going to a con for play isn’t what everyone is there for. I want to say that because that absolutely is NOT the goal for everyone there. In fact, for me, it’s fun, but I am more there to be with my partner, hang out with friends, see sexy things, flirt and get dressed up. If play with other people happens, that’s fine and fun, but it’s not my goal for kink conventions.
But, I’m going to make the assumption that as a guy reading this
article, you might want to find play at a kink con, or at least have the
So, how did my guy friend make that happen?
He’s been before and is known in the community. He’s attended this convention a few times, so he’s had time to meet people and get to know them. He’s also somewhat active in the local scene and had a lot of friends at the con. Most of the people he played with at the convention were people he knew outside of it or from previous years.
He met with new people. I saw him having meetups with a few people I don’t think he knew before the convention. I’m not sure if those meetups ended with play. I think they didn’t. But now he’s talked to those people before and gotten to know them a bit. If they are local, he might meet them again at other events. If not, he might see them if they attend the conference together the next year, and this time they won’t be strangers.
He has a rocking body. In fairness, he is in excellent shape. I definitely do not think this hurts. But I don’t think you have to look like a body builder to find play at a convention. I do think it’s not a bad idea to dress nicely and put some effort into how you look. Having a good Fetlife profile with attractive pictures of yourself is also helpful. First impressions matter. I think, overall, women tend to put a lot more effort into looking nice than men do. So, if you wear well-fitting clothes and are well-groomed, you’ll stand out more.
If you are a guy going to a kink con with a partner, and you
both plan to play with others, I also think it’s a good idea to really talk
about that beforehand. Because it tends to be so much easier for women to find
play than men, I’ve seen lot of guys get very jealous and grumpy when their
partners are off bouncing around from one scene to the next while they are
hanging out in the lobby feeling like the fun is passing them by. I think it
would be a good idea to take steps to avoid those feelings, whether that means
arranging certain times that outside play can and can’t happen or being aware
of that possibility and creating coping mechanisms.
And if you are going alone, I would be aware that your first con could feel lonely. Make sure you know some people there before the event who you can hang out with and keep your expectations low in terms of the amount of play you will find. You might be pleasantly surprised, but desperation isn’t fun or hot for anyone. Instead, use your down time to make new friends, and you might find that the friends you make this year might want to be play partners with you next year.
I just returned from a weekend of debauchery at a big kink
event. This one was in a hotel, although some are also held outside at
campsites. The Gentle Domme is also The High Maintenance Domme, so I don’t
usually attend those events!
Big kink takeover events are usually crazy experiences. I
love them and hate them, often both in the same day, because like any
convention, they are crowded and involve hundreds or even thousands of people.
Unlike other conventions, I get to dress up in practically nothing, which means
that leaving the hotel breaks the spell. So, they can also get a little
Having attended more than several of these events now, I
have some advice for newbies who are going to their first big kink events. When
I was starting to write this article, I intended it to be geared toward
everyone, but now that I’m writing, I feel like I have different advice for
women than for men, so I’ve decided to break them up into two separate posts.
This one is for the ladies.
Packing. I am a HEAVY packer for hotel kink events. I’m not alone in this. When you check in to a hotel kink takeover, you will often see people carrying enormous amounts of gear. I wouldn’t be surprised to be see someone carrying in their own Liberator Esse chaise lounge. What I pack the most of is clothing! At most hotel events, you will have daytime activities and nighttime activities, and sometimes even nighttime nighttime activities! I usually pack comfortable clothing for the daytime that I can attend classes in or socialize in the lobby. These are street legal clothes, but that doesn’t mean they have to be vanilla. Lots of people wear kink themed clothing or onesies during the day. Then I pack glamorous and sexy clothes for the evening for cruising the dungeon or attending parties. Last, I also include lingerie and/or clothing with cut-outs that I would ONLY wear in areas of the hotel that allow nudity. Camping events are different. I have attended very few, packed too much, and learned that the closer to naked, the better!
Arranging Play. The events that I’ve attended have had hook up threads on Fetlife starting several months before the event. They’ve also had their own online hubs where you can see who is going to the event and message people who look interesting. How you use these threads depends on your circumstances. If you’re going with a partner and only plan to play with that partner, you can use those resources just to meet people for friendship. But if you plan to play with people other than your partner or are going alone, these resources can be excellent ways to connect with people for play before an event. As a woman, it’s generally not hard to find play at events. What I have decided for myself, after going to a few cons, is that I don’t like to arrange play sight unseen, because I don’t know what kind of connection I will have with someone. Now I only arrange meetups with people I don’t know and reserve possible play opportunities for after we’ve met and seen how we feel about each other. But some people feel differently and will arrange play before ever meeting someone. It depends on your comfort level and the feeling of trust you get from someone.
Getting Overwhelmed. I cried at my first kink events, and that’s not abnormal. They are BIG events. If you go with a partner there’s the possibility of jealousy. You might just get hungry or tired and take it out on your partner. If you go alone, you might feel lonely and have FOMO—like everyone is doing cool stuff but you! Or you might try something with someone and have a bad experience. I have had all of those feelings. It’s good to have a plan for what you’ll do if those kinds of feelings emerge. It’s DEFINITELY a good idea to talk to a partner beforehand, if you’re attending together, about what each of you expect from the event. If you thought you guys were only playing together and he thought he was going to try and get play from every domme and switchy woman at the event, there are going to be some very hurt feelings! Retreating to your hotel room every once in a while is a good idea. Going out for a lunch or dinner can help you get your bearings. A lot of people take power naps, which makes me really jealous! It can seem counter-intuitive, because cons are supposed to be fun, but sometimes having fun can be a lot of work! Or the attempt at having fun can feel stressful. Remember that most people at events have feelings like this.
These are just a few of my suggestions for attending a kink
convention. I’m sure I’ll think of more and maybe try to write a more
exhaustive article at some point. But I hope these are somewhat helpful if you’re
planning to attend a kink con in the future!
Whether you’re just separated temporarily from your partner
or only see a long-distance partner by choice, keeping up a D/s relationship
when your sweetie isn’t there can be tough. Let’s face it. Long-distance
relationships are ALWAYS tough, whether you’re kinky or vanilla. But in some
ways, a D/s relationship can help fan the flames of your desire from afar in a
way a vanilla relationship might not.
Why is that?
Well, at its core, D/s, or dominance and submission, is about control and power. One of the things that makes LDRs so hard is the feeling that even though you have a partner, you are physically alone. Or even if you’re polyamorous and you’re not alone, the partner who isn’t there, physically isn’t there. You can’t touch him!
However, D/s can allow you to feel your partner’s presence even when they aren’t with you if you feel that they are exerting some control or power over your daily life or you are exerting control or power over theirs. This can be done in a variety of ways. Some examples I’ve seen and used are:
Rituals. A ritual is often religious, but in this context, it’s something that you do regularly in a prescribed way. For example, a domme could ask her sub to send her a daily picture or daily journal entry. She might even give her sub a specific way to take the picture, such as naked or in a certain style of dress. Or the picture might not even have to be of the sub. It could be a picture of something happening in his daily life that he shares with his mistress. The journal entry could be about his personal life, his feelings about his partner or his love for Star Trek. It doesn’t matter what the ritual is. It can even be something tiny, like when taking off your shoes, placing them in the direction of your dominant. The point is that it’s something done on a regular basis that reminds each person in the relationship of one another and the dynamics of the power exchange.
Taking Control Over Everyday Life. Some dommes relationships exert control over their partner’s everyday lives. This can be done in a variety of ways, but most are either neutral or used to help improve the sub’s life. For example, some dommes might require their subs to eat healthfully and write down their diets or stick to an exercise regime. This could be done for the man’s health but also to please his domme with his physique. I have seen some dommes order partners with anxiety or stress to meditate daily to help them with their mental and emotional health. Some dommes might require their partners to wear panties under their more “masculine” outer attire to help them feel submissive and/or remind them of their partner.
Kink Play. Although the couple in the relationship might not be together, that doesn’t mean there can’t be kinky play. This can be done alone, or with the help of Skype or Facetime, “together.” Orgasm control and denial games are perfect for long distance relationships because they’re fun and remind the sub that his domme has sexual power over him. A domme might not allow her sub to orgasm until he sees her again, and instead might keep him in a chastity cage (I would recommend having a safety key available.) or have him on an honor system. She could require him to edge himself every day to keep him hungry for her. Or she could require him to have an orgasm every day, but only in the way that she prescribes or with her watching him and directing him on Skype. Sexting is also helpful in this kind of play, if you like the written word.
Plan for Seeing Each Other Again. Hopefully, you will see your partner again. Although purely long-distance relationships exist, those are a different animal. If you have no expectation of ever meeting in the flesh, the relationship exists more as a fantasy. But assuming that you will see your partner again, think of the things you will do when that happens. Dommes, think of fun scenes you might do with your submissive. Submissives, think of ways you might please your domme. Focusing on the excitement you will have when you’re together again can help you focus less on the time you have waiting for that to happen. However, try not to focus so much that you neglect your social life without your partner. If you only focus on someone who isn’t physically there, you can get lonely and bored and boring. Keep the other parts of your life healthy and vibrant so you actually have things to talk about with your partner while you are apart and together.
Long-distance D/s relationships can be difficult, just as all
long-distance relationships can be difficult. But even vanilla people could
benefit from infusing their relationships with some D/s play when they are
apart to help keep the connection alive with partners who are physically away
from one another for a time.
I see this question asked constantly on femdom forums. I get
it! Submissive guys sometimes feel like dominant women are rare mythical
creatures. There are ridiculous statistics like that there are 100 submissive
men to every 1 dominant woman. I flatly think this is untrue, although I am
willing to admit that the more hardcore and specific your submissive needs, the
more difficult it will be to find a partner who is a match for them.
I believe, with no statistical evidence to back this up and
only that I know a lot of kinky women, men who are interested in gentle femdom,
who are willing to compromise with sometimes femdom, and men who are
comfortable with switching can find women who are into being dominant—at least
sometimes. I think most people’s sexuality is fluid. So, if you can go with
that flow, it opens up a lot more doors.
But I also understand that some people want full time F/m
D/s relationships, and I acknowledge that finding this kind of relationship can
However, since I consider myself a gentle domme, and a
mostly bedroom one at that, I can only write from my own experiences and from
my experiences talking to other dommes, tops and switches.
I get a fair number of messages on Fetlife from men, and I
find the vast majority of them pretty silly because so many of them focus
specifically on kink—as though because I am on Fetlife and I say I am a domme,
that is the only relevant thing about me. It’s as though they think my entire
life revolves around kink, and I don’t do normal stuff like go to the movies,
get groceries, put gas in my car, or hang out with friends.
So, the first thing I would tell submissive men who are
looking for a relationship is that dominant women want someone they can have a
vanilla relationship with—meaning that if they weren’t kinky—they could still
get along with and like that person’s company. Because far more time in life is
spent doing non-kinky things than kinky things, having common interests and
goals, and genuinely liking someone’s personality, are far more important than
just liking what they do in kink.
Therefore, a huge portion of this question is impossible to
objectively answer. I know a lot of subs want THE ANSWER, as though there is
one that will unlock ALL THE DOMINANT WOMEN. But just like no two people are
alike, no two dommes are alike. We all like different things, have different
personalities, different wants and needs.
Past that very obvious answer, there is one thing I know and
hear that many dommes do not like. So, if you want to know what they DO like,
it’s not doing this thing.
Being treated like a fetish dispenser. Quite a few guys who
claim to be submissive can often just be pushy bottoms who don’t care very much
about who is doing the topping. No one wants to feel interchangeable. No domme
wants to feel that you like her because she’s a domme and not because you like
her as a woman and a human being.
I’ve written about the difference between a top and a bottom
before, and I am of the full belief that it’s fine to just want to top and
bottom and not have a power exchange. But there are ways to be respectful of
what you ask of your top and ways to be annoying and rude. Your top is still a
person with wants and desires of her own, and she will want them met as much as
you want yours to be met.
The other suggestion I have is to be interesting and take
care of yourself. We all aren’t brilliant physicists or have amazing bods, but
we can groom ourselves relatively well, find clothing that (attempts to)
flatter us, have hobbies, be able to pay the rent, exercise moderately, and pay
attention to current events. Almost every woman, domme or not, appreciates
someone who can cook and knows how to laundry. Picking up a few extra special
pampering skills like knowing how to give an amazing foot massage wouldn’t hurt
either, although maybe that’s just a preference of mine. Some people are very
I do think that some men are drawn to the idea of submission
as a fantasy that they want someone else to take care of them, and I think that
MOST dominant women do not want a grown child. While certainly not all dommes
want service subs, I think that almost all (I am hesitant to to say all because
someone will inevitably write me and tell me they are they exception…) want
partners who can at least take care of themselves, if not take care of their
dommes. So, many of the things I mention in the previous paragraph are just examples of ways to display that you
are a smart, capable human being who is looking for a partner—and not a
mother—EVEN if you have a mommy domme kink. J
When I started out as a top, I couldn’t understand why some
people loved chastity devices. I could appreciate the concept of orgasm denial,
especially as edging within a sex session. I had seen first-hand what denial
could do to a man—make him beg and whimper and want, and I loved it! I loved
the power and knowing that I had done that to him!
But I still couldn’t get behind the idea of stretching out
orgasm denial for too long. It seemed cruel to me. And I certainly thought it
was ridiculous that anyone would want to lock her partner’s cock up in a cage. I
liked cock! Why would I want to lock it away so I couldn’t use it? I
specifically remember having conversations about this with a D/s couple I knew,
and I remember how surprised I was to learn that she unlocked him for sex,
didn’t let him come, and then put his cock back in its cage.
I think a big reason I didn’t “get” it was that, at the
time, I didn’t have a partner who was into the idea of chastity. It wasn’t
appealing to him at all. Later, when I began experimenting with another
partner, we gradually started playing with orgasm denial, which stretched out
longer and longer, until one day I surprised him with a cheap cage I bought off
the internet. It was a pink
silicone one, and I bought it as more of a joke than anything
else—something to scare him with a little and maybe to play with during a scene
But what happened is that we both ended up finding it hot!
Almost as soon as he put it on, he started feeling extra submissive and horny,
and I loved his reaction. However, the cage was REALLY bad. It didn’t fit him
properly at all. It was almost totally enclosed, which I didn’t like, because
it made it hard for me to tease him in it. So, while we both liked the idea, we
didn’t actually use it very much.
But a few months later, I decided to try again. This time I
got a metal cage. It was a kind called a “bird
cage,” because…it looks like a bird cage. It’s metal, and it has bars, so I
could slip my fingers over his actual flesh while he was still caged up. It was
more fun for teasing than the original cage, because he could enough through it
to be exciting but not enough to orgasm. And, of course, he also couldn’t get a
This time we hit the jackpot! If the first cage had
intrigued my partner, he couldn’t stop thinking about the second cage. He was
nervous about wearing it for too long. We played with it in short bursts,
deciding we would work up to him wearing it longer and longer, as he was
comfortable. But when he had it on, he almost immediately started leaking
pre-cum. He said it made him feel incredibly submissive, and he acted like an
over-eager puppy dog, which I love. Even when he didn’t have the cage on, it
was like he remembered it. Denial over a matter of days had the effect of
making him ravenous for me, and just the idea of the cage multiplied it for him.
I don’t practice long term chastity with my submissive, at
least not yet anyway. If I did, I would almost certainly get a custom cock cage
made that was fitted especially for him, so it would be comfortable for long
term use. There are several manufacturers who make them. The fabulous Monkey in
a Cage Blog has a page of
links with some recommendations on it. I almost universally hear from men
and couples who are serious about chastity that they use custom made cages.
There isn’t a lot of information from medical professionals about the long-term
effects of chastity cages, so if I had a partner who wanted to use one for long
stretches of time, I would make sure I got the best fitting one possible.
However, if you are just using playing with chastity during
scenes or for a few hours at a time, here and there for excitement, the honest
truth is that you either should choose to pay the fair amount of money to get a
cage made for you or prepare to experiment by buying some stock different cages
off the internet and seeing how they feel.
All cages suggest that you measure yourself. However, this
can be confusing because you might not be sure what you are measuring.
Obviously, you are measuring your flaccid cock. But the ring of the cage needs
to fit behind your balls. So, you need to understand those measurements as
well. Some cages have rings that come in two pieces. So, you fit them around
your balls and use pegs to connect them like a jigsaw puzzle. Other cages, like
the one we use now, have a solid ring that fits over your cock and balls like a
What we found was that it took some trial and error. The
cage that we are currently using is working well for the short amount of play
time that we need it. It has a solid ring. However, I think the ring is still a
little too small for either of us to feel comfortable with him wearing it for
too long. And it’s the biggest size we found in the cheaper cages for purchase
online. So, I think that if we decided to get more seriously into chastity
play, we would want to invest in a custom cage that we felt was safer.
While I am a lifestyle domme, I have nothing but respect for ethical pro-dommes. This article from Vice focuses on what some professional dommes believe makes a good sub. Takeaways include explore your kinks, be vocal and specific, understand your limits and that you can always say no, check in and communicate, and don’t mistake your domme for your therapist.
Aside from the
last tip, I think this is a great list for bottoms and subs who are seeing
lifestyle dommes as well. (If you’re in a romantic relationship or have a good
friendship with your domme, I think it’s totally appropriate to share your
everyday worries and concerns.)
If you want to
read the full article at Vice, click here.
Wow! This book is going
on my reading list. Not only does it explore femdom, also mother daughter
relationships and the health care system. That’s not something you read about together
“What happens when a
forty-something, community college sociology professor learns that her mother—a
charming, passive-aggressive, and needy woman who hasn’t had a lover in
decades—has started seeing men who want to be bound, whipped, and sexually
dominated? What happens when that same mother, shortly after diving into her
newly discovered sexuality, develops a cancer that forces her to accept radical
changes to her body, and then another that forces her, and everyone around her,
to confront her mortality?”
I had an interesting but
unexpected brief conversation with a friend the other day. My friend identifies
as kinky with bottom tendencies. She’s new to the public Scene. I was telling
her about the orgasm denial I’d been doing with my submissive and she said,
“See. That’s why I can’t be a domme. I like giving pleasure too much.”
If I’d had time, I would
have stopped my friend and explained why she was very wrong and how what she
said was unintentionally insulting, but we were at a bar, and the music was
loud, and she slipped away. My friend is an intelligent, open-minded woman, and
I assume she can’t be the only person with this belief. So, instead of correcting
her, I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently
selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.
I’ll disabuse this audience of the notion that dommes are inherently selfish and/or don’t like giving pleasure to their subs.
While I cannot speak for all
dommes, since all women are different, I love giving pleasure to my sub! I
love, love, love it! I love topping! I usually like it much more than
I should say that D/s is not
about topping and bottoming. D/s is about control. Topping and bottoming are
about who is doing and who is receiving. There are definitely dommes who like
to remain in control but only receive pleasure, or service, or some combination
of them both. And that also doesn’t mean they are necessarily selfish. There
are some subs who love service topping!
But most of the dommes I
know enjoy topping their partners—doing things to them, at least some of the
time. Those things might not always look like pleasure to vanilla folks. But
they are often pleasurable to kinky folks, or pleasurable in their painfulness.
My friend had an image of a domme as a woman who only receives pleasure. She’s possibly suffering from the belief that a lot of new dommes have, which is that, “If I do X, it will make me less domly.” For example, a new domme might worry that if she gives her submissive a blow job, it will seem submissive. A blow job is generally something you do for a person with a penis to explicitly make them feel good. You also are usually physically lower to the ground when giving a blow job, on your knees or between someone else’s legs on a bed. Since a femdomme is supposed to be powerful, how can she be on her knees for a man? How can she be between his legs? A powerful, dominant woman would never stoop so low!
No particular action I do as a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action.
But that’s completely
No particular action I do as
a domme is inherently dominant or submissive. It’s just an action. If I ordered
my submissive to give my face a rough fucking while I was on my knees in front
of him, he would be following my directions. And I’ve done that plenty of times
because sometimes I actually like feeling a little out of control and used. It
doesn’t change the dynamics of our relationship because they are already
defined. It’s just an activity that we do, a role play, a scene.
But more often, I like
giving long, slow, teasing blow jobs, where my submissive knows who is in
control and that it’s definitely not him. I stretch them out and listen to his
whimpers and moans, his fear that he won’t be able to come mingled with his
fear that I’ll actually let him.
Am I giving him pleasure?
You bet I am! I certainly hope so!
I’m the kind of woman who goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab, lick, pinch and bite my prey. I am an active participant in kink and in sex.
I’m the kind of woman who
goes a little feral when she’s attracted to someone. I like to kiss, grab,
lick, pinch and bite my prey. I am an
active participant in kink and in sex. When I’m doing a man, I’m getting to experience
his reactions. I get to see his face contort with delight or pain or fear. I
get to see his muscles tense. I get to listen to the noises he makes for me,
the way his body can’t help dripping with anticipation. In fact, I like giving
more than getting, because for me, sex is a very intellectual pursuit. It’s not
the physical part that really turns me on. It’s the mental part.
I don’t want to pretend that
there aren’t dommes out there who are primarily bottoms. Of course there are,
and if that works for them and for their partners, it’s totally fine. But it
hurts my heart to think that a woman worries she can’t take control because she
believes that inherently means she can’t be giving as well. Even though I
practice largely what I would call gentle femdom, any flavor of domme can enjoy
giving pleasure while still keeping control and her dominance.