Help! My Boyfriend is a Sub and I’m a Switch. How Can I Get What I Need?

kinky games for submissives and switches

Sometimes people’s needs match up perfectly. But often they don’t. You might think that if you meet a partner through the kink community, you’re all set. You’re both kinky. What’s the problem? But as most experienced kinksters know, it’s not always that simple.

If you’re a switch and you meet a submissive man who doesn’t feel capable of switching and being dominant at times, it can lead to a tough situation. You can feel like you’re giving him what he needs, but a part of you isn’t getting what you need.

There’s no perfect solution to this issue, as you can’t change your partner’s sexual needs or kinky desires any more than he can change yours. But here are a few suggestions.

  • He can try being a service top. Some submissive men who find it hard to get into a dominant headspace can get there if you order them to do it.  Explain how you want to feel and tell him that it’s job to evoke those feelings or sensations in you. It might take time for your partner to find his footing, especially if he doesn’t have any experience taking on the role of a top. Some men are afraid they will hurt their partners—and not in a good way. So, communication is key. This kind of arrangement can be especially helpful if you have masochistic desires and like kinky play, although it might not quite scratch your itch if you truly want to feel submissive because you might feel like you are still really in charge. But if your partner’s role play skills get good enough, you could feel less like a femdomme and more like a docile (or bratty) submissive. And if your boyfriend or husband’s confidence grows, he might also discover the fun of switching from time to time.
  • Experiment. While there is no guarantee that your partner will end up enjoying being a dom or a top, sometimes we have preconceived notions about what we like and dislike. Just as some people have a stereotypical idea about what femdom looks like, your partner might have preconceived ideas about what it means to be a dom or to top a partner. Just like many women who might be turned off by stereotypical femdom find gentle femdom to be sexy and exciting, your partner might find elements of maledom stirring if you both explore fantasies and ideas together, forgoing the stereotypes and letting go of the idea that a dom needs to be stern or demanding. Daddy dommes are quite popular in the Scene these days, and they have a more nurturing quality that is similar to gentle femdom. But your partner does not even need to follow any specific example of dominance. You can create one yourself for your particular relationship.
  • Meet your needs elsewhere. Depending on your relationship structure, you might find a dom who can help bring out the submissive feelings you’ve craving. While some kinky couples are non-monogamous, this doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship. It can just involve non-sexual play. You might meet up with a play partner at a dungeon from time to time or he or she could give you tasks to complete that will reinforce a submissive state. For some F/m couples, this kind of dynamic can work nicely with a sexual component, especially if your partner has cuckolding fantasies—although I would recommend starting slowly with this kind of relationship structure, because it can bring out a lot of difficult emotions and isn’t for everyone.
  • End the relationship. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but if getting your submissive needs met is that important you and your partner is unable to meet those needs, you might think about whether the relationship will work out in the long run. There are many qualities that go into a successful relationship. So, if the rest of the relationship is working well, you might decide that fantasizing is enough. But if it’s not and your partner is unwilling or unable to meet those needs and you don’t want to add an outside party to your relationship, then you have to think seriously about whether you are compatible enough to be happy. Although both partners are kinky, this situation is really not so different from a kinky person who is involved with a vanilla person. It’s hard to “fake” desire. However, people’s tastes and desires can change over time.

Being a switch in a relationship with a sub can be a balancing act. Many relationships like these can work with compromise and communication, but ultimately, only you can decide what you need to be happy in relationship with someone. While some people feel that kink is the icing on the cake of their relationship, other see it as bedrock that needs to be fully stable for a relationship to survive and thrive.

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If a Domme Has Sex With Her Submissive, Is She Still Dominant?

female dominant sex

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

There is a weird misconception about femdom that if you are a female dominant, having sex with your male submissive makes you somehow less dominant. But this could not be farther from the truth. So, let’s talk about where this belief might come from and why it’s wrong. 

My first guess about where this stereotype developed is…as usual…porn. Because porn is typically developed by men and for men, it caters to typical male fantasies. 

Now, I’m not saying that the majority of male submissives actually never want to have sex with their female partners. In fact, I think the majority would be pretty sad if they couldn’t. But porn isn’t about reality. It’s about fantasy. And it can be a powerful fantasy for some men that they are denied sex by a woman they crave and only allowed to service her in other ways, such as by giving her all the oral sex she wants and denying their own pleasure.

There’s also a weird misogynistic viewpoint that’s kind of standard that women don’t really like PIV sex and that it’s something they only do for men. Therefore, it makes sense that within these fantasies, women wouldn’t “have” to have sex. That “burden” is lifted off of them, and instead, they only need to receive pleasure. 

Ironically, there’s also a big emphasis in femdom porn on pegging, which is when a woman penetrates a man anally with a strap on dildo. In a lot of femdom porn, the pegging replaces PIV sex. I believe this is because a lot of submissive men (and quite a few who aren’t submissive) fantasize about pegging and are afraid to ask for it from their partners because they worry it will make them appear less masculine. 

Also, some sub men have a desire to be humiliated. And they may consciously or subconsciously see pegging as somewhat humiliating, whether that’s because it’s anal play, which they may see as embarrassing or because it involves a woman penetrating them instead of them penetrating a woman. Plus, men have prostates, and pegging can just feel really good. 

I say that this is ironic because it’s hard for a woman to receive physical pleasure from pegging. Some strap on harnesses have pockets where you can insert a bullet vibrator to provide some sensation as you penetrate a man, and some women might get off on the grinding action and/or be mentally stimulated by the act. There are even a few dildos that are double ended, where she can wear one vaginally and also penetrate him anally. But since the majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, even a double ended dildo isn’t going to do it for most women. They also have a tendency not to stay put. A dildo isn’t attached to a woman. She can’t feel it. So, while lots of women do enjoy pegging for the mental and potential limited physical stimulation, pegging is likely to give a man more pleasure than a woman. 

So, that’s where I believe this misconception started. Now, about its accuracy? 

Most women enjoy having PIV sex with a partner who cares enough to help them enjoy it. Are there women who just don’t like having PIV sex? Sure. Like there are people who don’t enjoy a variety of sexual acts. I haven’t met one, but I know there are some guys out there who must not like blow jobs. 

I think the misconception about women not enjoying PIV sex started because there wasn’t a lot of education for or about women’s sexuality. Society didn’t place an emphasis on women enjoying sex, and because so many women do need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, lots of men weren’t providing what they needed to enjoy PIV sex. Foreplay doesn’t hurt either!

But we live in modern times now, and more women and men understand how to have sex that pleases both themselves and their partners. Most of the women I know, vanilla, bottom or top, enjoy PIV sex, the physical sensations it provides and the intimacy it allows for with partners. 

I don’t personally believe that sex is an inherently kinky act. I mean, vanilla people mostly have loving egalitarian sex. It’s the attitude with which you infuse the sex that makes it kinky. If you’re a domme, and you really like being on the bottom and receiving rough sex, it doesn’t make you any less dominant to ask for what you want. You’re in charge. It’s your sub’s desire to give you what you want and what  brings you pleasure. 

There are obviously some small physical choices that can make having PIV sex as a domme feel more dominant, such as being on top, lightly holding your partner’s throat or chin (get educated if you want to try breath play), or sticking your fingers in their mouth to suck as you have sex with them. You could forbid your sub to orgasm or tell him he can only orgasm after you do. You can talk dirty to him and tell him what a good boy he’s being for you. Or that he’s a bad boy and after you’re done, you’re going to give him the discipline he needs. 

The choices are endless. 

Essentially, there is nothing dominant or submissive about PIV sex. You shouldn’t let outdated, misogynistic stereotypes keep you from enjoying your pleasure or your partner. 

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Are You a Femdomme or a Female Top? What’s in a Label?

shibari for female tops

One of the first things you learn when you enter the kink community is that definitions, like both gender and sexuality, can be fluid. A term that means one thing to one person can mean something rather different to someone else. A good example of this are the terms top and domme.

Generally, a top is someone who does something to a bottom within a negotiated BDSM scene. A top doesn’t necessarily have any power over the bottom. For example, a bottom could negotiate an impact scene with a top. The top agrees to spank, paddle and flog the bottom until the bottom has had enough. The two are engaging in kinky play, but the top has negotiated no power over the bottom. Topping and bottoming are things people do, but they can also be ways that people identify. Someone who only likes to give impact scenes might call themselves a top. Someone who only like to receive them might call themselves a bottom. (And someone who likes both will usually call themselves a switch.)

Topping and bottoming are things people do, but they can also be ways that people identify.

The word domme refers to being a dominant in a D/s (dominance and submission) relationship. A domme need not top her submissive to be a domme, although she often does because it’s fun! Being a domme is not about what a woman does. It’s about the power her submissive has given to her to hold over him. A domme definitely does not need to do anything sexy with her submissive to be his domme. Many do. But some dommes have submissives who do chores for them and receive only praise or corrections in return.

This can be a tricky line for people to understand. When most men say they are looking for a domme, the majority aren’t really looking to take out a woman’s trash. And, honestly, it would be a rare submissive for whom that would be enough for long—if all he was getting out of the relationship was the honor of taking out a woman’s trash.

It’s been my experience that when most men say they are looking for a domme, they are really looking for kinky play. They are looking to be topped.

This truth is borne out on a myriad of complaints from dominant women on message boards about men who say they want a dominant woman, but who actually want a “fetish dispenser”—a woman who will do the kinky, sexy things these men want the way they want them done.

There is nothing wrong with topping or bottoming. It’s perfectly fine to admit that you’re a masochist, and you are looking for a sadistic woman to hurt you consensually—and that together you will reach an understanding of what a scene will look like. The truth is that even in most D/s relationships these negotiations will occur regularly because communication is important in BDSM.

One of the biggest red flags to an experienced domme is a potential submissive who says he has “no limits,” because no one really has no limits. That just signals to a domme that this is someone who either hasn’t really thought about what he wants or doesn’t want to take any responsibility for the relationship. (And yes! Just because you’re a submissive, you do still have to take responsibility for your relationship! Even if you have a Mommy Domme, she doesn’t want to be your actual mother.)

One of the biggest red flags to an experienced domme is a potential submissive who says he has “no limits,” because no one really has no limits.

Probably the most common expression of femdom in couples is those who have a (mostly) bedroom dynamic only. The couple is largely egalitarian in household and financial matters but likes to practice dominance and submission sexually. Usually, if those couples are asked to explain their dynamic, they will say that she’s the domme and he’s the sub. But some people who engage in FLRs, female led relationships, where the women really does have control over most aspects of the relationship, would argue that the couple doesn’t really have a D/s relationship. They are only playing at D/s, when in actuality she is just topping him.

This distinction would depend on a lot of factors. How much control does she have over him sexually all the time? Does she control his orgasms? Does she decide when they have sex and when they don’t and what they do or don’t do? If so, that’s probably closer to D/s. Or is it a game they play within individual scenes?  If so, that’s probably closer to topping and bottoming.

The real question is does this matter? Who cares?

If you are in a relationship, and it’s working for you, it doesn’t matter at all. You can call yourselves whatever you want. You get to define your own relationship.

However, if you are a potential bottom/sub who is looking for a potential top/domme or a potential top/domme looking for her bottom/sub, understanding these differences can save you some aggravation and failed relationships. If a woman is looking to be truly dominant in a relationship and your idea of that is to direct her to do you sexually the way you want, that relationship isn’t likely to go well. Conversely, if you’re a woman who just like to top guys sexually and you meet a very submissive man who wants you to take control of every facet of your lives together, you could quickly find that stifling.

While these definitions themselves don’t really matter, people should consider what they are really looking for in relationships and be clear about it to give them the greatest chance to find what they actually want.

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