The Package

It would be fine. It wasn’t like the thing was going to say “chastity cage” on the side of the box. Was it? Of course not. He was being ridiculous. People ordered tons of sex toys on the internet. Nobody advertised it. They would never know.

Greg’s phone dinged just as the meeting was starting. He glanced at it quickly, not wanting to be rude to the presenter.

“Saw a package came for you when we got home. We’ll hold on to it to it doesn’t get stolen. You can get it tonight. –Sophia & Kristen”

Shit. He could feel himself break out in a cold sweat as the guy at the front of the room started saying something about production values. The text was from his new upstairs neighbors. They were cute young girls a few years out of college. He was pretty sure they’d said they were teachers? God, he wished he had teachers who had looked like that. They were both blondes. Could even be sisters, they looked so much alike, but they weren’t.  Friendly, sweet smiles. Both a little thick, in a good way, in a way he’d wanted to grab on to their hips and give them a good…But, they were young. Teachers. He was such a pervert sometimes. Why couldn’t he control himself around women?

Arghhhhh. He groaned internally, pretending to focus on whatever was going on in the presentation. Why was he such an idiot? He could have used a package locker and picked the damn thing up himself. But he was supposed to be working from home today, before this stupid meeting got called. And yes, it was certainly nice that they took it in for him. He was the one who told them about the packages that had gotten stolen from the woman in the upstairs apartment before they moved in. It was a nice thing for them to do. But just. Why THIS package?

The first speaker sat down and his co-workers clapped politely. He found himself mimicking them, his thoughts a million miles away. Actually, his thoughts were closer than that. A lot closer. Like basically entirely focused around his cock.

It would be fine. It wasn’t like the thing was going to say “chastity cage” on the side of the box. Was it? Of course not. He was being ridiculous. People ordered tons of sex toys on the internet. Nobody advertised it. They would never know.

Except that now he knew they had it, that his new chastity cage was sitting right in the middle of these girls’ apartment, that they could find out his secret at any time, it was literally all he could think about.

What if they knew? They’d know what a pervert he was. 

He couldn’t even explain why he’d bought it. He’d just had fantasies about it for a long time, the idea of a woman controlling his cock. Controlling him. He’d had one before he started dating Barbara, but then he threw it away when they got serious. He wanted to tell her, ask her to use it on him, but he’d been too embarrassed. After they broke up the fantasies started coming back. Well, to be honest, they’d never really gone away. Had they.

Oh my god, what if they saw it? He’d never be able to look them in the eyes again. They’d think he was a degenerate.

“So, what do you think, Greg?” His boss smiled at him expectantly.

“Oh.” He nodded. “Uh. I think it’s great!”

The meeting was endless. He literally thought they would keep him there overnight. When they suggested bringing in dinner he wanted to scream, but he powered through, made a mad dash for the subway, and finally he was at his front door.

It was no big deal. He’d just get the package. In fact, standing there, he realized what a moron he’d been to freak out. It was just a package. They were never going to know what was inside of it.

So, relaxed, he climbed the stairs to the row house and rang Sophia and Kristen’s doorbell.

The doorbell barely rang once before the door opened, Sophia standing in the doorway. She was wearing a comfortable looking pair of cotton pajamas with kittens on them. She had her long hair up in a ponytail. She was barefoot.

Behind her, he could see Kristen lounging on their living room couch also wearing some kind of pajama set. Her hair was down. She was munching on something crispy, a bag in her hands, her feet planted on the coffee table in front of her. The TV was on.

“Greg!” Sophia smiled. She was so smiley. “Kristen,” she said, turning to her roommate, “Greg’s here!”

“Hi Greg!” Kristen waved from the couch. She put the bag in her hands on the table. “We were waiting for you!”

“Um. You were?”

Sophia opened the door wider. “Yeah! Come on in. We were just watching The Romancer. You can watch it with us.”

“Oh. That’s a really nice offer, but I just came to get that package that was dropped off for me. It was super nice of you to bring it inside. I know I told you. There’s a real theft problem in the neighborhood. But I’m pretty tired. So, I’m just going to grab it and go, if you don’t mind.”

Sophia turned her head toward Kristen. “Phil just wants his package,” she said.

“Oh yeah?” Kristen smiled at Phil again. “It’s right here.” She pointed in front of her toward the coffee table.

He waited for Sophia to get it for him, but she didn’t move. So, he said, “Okay,” and shuffled inside the house. As he neared the coffee table, he heard the door close behind him. At the same time, he saw exactly what was on the coffee table—his chastity cage sitting neatly next to a bag of chips—the box beside the cage, empty.

“Oh my God!” He lunged for it, and at the same time, he heard Kristen and Sophia break out into peals of laughter. He grabbed it off the table and clutched it to his chest. He wasn’t sure if he was going to cry or yell.  He was sure he’d never been more humiliated in his life or ever would be.

“You opened it?” It was all he could muster.

Sophia was still standing by the door, bent over laughing, and Kristen was practically sideways on the couch, her face red. She couldn’t seem to stop giggling. Finally, Sophia managed to calm down enough to speak.

“We’re sorry! Really! Honestly, I didn’t open it before I sent you that message. Kristen thought it was the necklace she ordered. I don’t think either of us expected…this,” she said, pointing to the metal cage clutched against his chest. “But then we saw it. And, it was just so funny!”

“And we’d never seen one in real life,” Kristen chimed in. “We were curious! We wanted to see how it works.”

This had to be a nightmare. He would never be able to face these women again. “You wanted to see how it works?” He literally had no idea what to do. Did he storm out? How fast could he move? He shouted, “It’s a felony to tamper with the US mail!”

This set them both off into cascades of giggles.

Sophia came up behind him and draped a soft arm around his waist. She started guiding him to the couch, and to his surprise, he let her. He thought he was probably in shock.

“You’re right,” she said. “Please don’t turn us in. Okay?”

He definitely heard her snicker.

She led him between the coffee table and the couch and plopped him down next to Kristen, and then she sat down on the other side of him, so he was sandwiched between the two of them. He felt weirdly like a doll. He grasped the cage two-handed between his fists. He clenched his knees tightly together.

“Let’s make a deal,” she said, eyeing him and then her roommate. “You show us how it works, and nobody will tell anything. Okay? It will just be a secret between the three of us.” Then the two girls each put a hand on one of his knees and gently began to pry open his legs.

“Wow. Okay,” he said, not so much as in agreement, but as a way to try to process what was happening here. The girls were each massaging a thigh lightly, as his legs spreader wider and wider, and he could feel himself start to get hard.

He wasn’t even sure how he felt anymore. Angry? Mortified? Confused? Aroused? Yes, definitely aroused. The anger was starting to fade and the mortification was ebbing into a pleasant embarrassment, a lot like the kind he felt when he was fantasizing about being locked.

“Okay,” he said, again, slowly. This time he meant it as a yes. A tentative yes. “But,” he looked each girl in the eyes, all four blue, and asked, “Why?”

“Why ask why, Greg,” said Sophia, squeezing his thigh a little harder. “You don’t think you’re the only one who likes to get a little kinky. Do you?” She reached over him and tugged open Kristin’s pajama top, revealing a perky breast. Then she quickly pinched Kristen’s nipple until the girl squealed.

“Ow!”

“Sometimes it’s fun to be in control. Right, Kristen?”

Kristen smirked and rubbed her now erect nipple. “And sometimes it’s fun to be out of it.”

“So, just show us,” said Sophia. She got very close to him and whispered in his ear. “Be a good boy. Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of you.”

Greg tried to slow his breathing. “Okay,” he said again. “But I’m never going to be able to get it on with you two next to me touching me like this. I’m really turned on,” he admitted.

Kristen grabbed his crotch and squeezed.  “Ooooh. He is! Sophia, feel!”

Sophia grabbed at him too, and they took turns massaging his cock, which now felt like it would never fit in a cage. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he was this turned on.

Finally, Sophia stopped and pushed Kristin’s hand away too. “We’re never going to get to see it if we keep this up. He’s too excitable. Look.” She pointed to the wet spot that had appeared on his pants. “Well, we can see why he needs the cage. Can’t we?” she said.

Greg tried to protest. “I don’t NEED it! You guys are touching me. There are two of you. It’s a lot!”

“Uh huh,” said Sophia. She put her hand lightly over his mouth and glanced down at the stain on his slacks. “Sure. You don’t need it at all. You’ve just made a mess all over yourself because you’re totally in control. Right?”

She smiled at him, sweetly, and then patted him on the back. “Now, be a good boy and go in the bathroom, and don’t come out until your cage is on. I know it might take a few minutes for you to calm down. But don’t worry. We’ll wait.”

In the girls’ lavender scented bathroom, Greg tried hard not to think too much about anything, because when he did, he varied between being pretty sure he was going to have an anxiety attack and being unable to get rid of the raging boner between his legs. Finally, he pretended he was in yoga and did deep breathing, focusing on his breath, until both his anxiety and erection subsided.

Then he carefully put on the cage. It was the same kind he’d had before he started dating Barbara. So, he knew how to get it on, even though he forgotten how snug it could feel. He took the metal ring and carefully slid his balls through first, tugging gently, one by one, and then managed to pull his flaccid cock through the ring, so both his testicles and penis were being hugged by it. Then he slid the metal cage over his cock and fitted the pegs into the holes so the two pieces clicked together. Then he finally fitted the padlock on to hold the cage in place and locked it with the small key provided.

Almost immediately, he felt a slight buzz in his body, like he was a little high. He could feel the weight of the cage dangle between his legs, the way he felt encased, restricted. He touched his cock between the slotted metal bars of the cage. It was just enough sensation that he started to get hard again, his skin pressing up against the inside of the metal, but not quite enough that he could get full satisfaction. He remembered why he loved the feeling so much.

“Greg?” He heard a feminine voice from outside the bathroom. “How are you doing in there?”

“Um. I’m almost done,” he said.

He took a big breath. Now that he had the cage on, he acknowledged this was really happening. He’d never used a cage in front of an actual woman before. Just the thought was so stimulating that he started leaking pre-cum from the end of the cage. He grabbed some toilet paper and desperately started to try and wipe it up, when the door opened, and he was caught here, pants and underpants around his ankles, leaking cock straining against its enclosure.

It was Sophia. “Oh my god, Kristen,” she said, eyeing him up and down. “He’s adorable. Come look!”

“No!” He tried to pull his pants up with one hand, but Sophia reached out and stopped him, and then the two girls were standing in the doorway of the bathroom staring at him, exposed and vulnerable. He knew somewhere in his mind that he should feel humiliated, but he seemed to have passed that point sometime in the last few minutes, and now he just felt like an object in a pleasant kind of way, as Sophia and Kristen ogled his caged nakedness. 

“He really is,” said Kristen. “Can I?” she asked, more to Kristen than to him, as she reached out one manicured hand and fondled his cock, making the cage swing lightly from side to side. He felt the pleasant tug from the weight in his balls, and his cock trying to get bigger trapped inside the metal, and he groaned outright.

The girls giggled again. “Here. Let’s get all these clothes off you, so we can get a good look,” said one. They were starting to blur together.

And he felt himself being led out of the bathroom and back into the living room, where they peeled off his sweater and t-shirt and took off his shoes and socks, and finally helped him out of his pants and boxers until he was just standing naked in the middle of the room with nothing on but the cage.

Finally, Sophia opened his palm, and he let her take the key out of it. She slipped it into the pocket of her pajama top.

Then the girls walked around him, him totally naked, them still in their pajamas, tittering and stroking him and pressing themselves up against him just to see his reaction, which was now an almost continuous stream of pre-cum that was beginning to drip onto the floor, and a series of moans and whimpers, especially every time one “accidentally” pressed her hand up against his cock or extremely sensitive balls. e

“Oh my Greg,” Sophia said, taking his cock firmly in her hand. “You’re looking quite pent up in there. “I’ll bet we could get you to do just about anything right now.”

He nodded, vigorously. He thought he’d lost the capacity for speech. “Yes,” he finally managed. “Yes, please.”

They laughed more. With him? At him? He wasn’t sure at this point, and it didn’t really matter anyway.

With that, they took him by the hand and led him back toward the living room couch. Kristen pushed the coffee table out of the way. Then the girls looked at each other slyly and slipped off their pajama bottoms.

Underneath, they were totally bare—just their neatly trimmed blonde pussies right in front of his face.

“Look what you’ve done to us,” said Sophia, coyly, slipping one of her fingers into Kristen, coating it with wetness. Kristen moaned and shuddered. Then Sophia took her wet finger and opened Greg’s mouth slightly with it, feeding it to him. He sucked at it greedily.

“Now why don’t you get down for us,” she said, pointing to the ground, “And go down.” And Greg obediently climbed onto all fours as the girls took their spots back on the couch. This time it was their legs that were spread wide, their pussies wet and open, and Sophia crooked her finger at him, motioning for him to crawl forward.

“You know, we can hear you down there,” she said, as Greg planted his face between her thighs, his caged cock swinging uncomfortably but tantalizingly. He began to lap at her cunt, hungry, painting his face with her. She grabbed the back of his head and pulled him close so she could grind against him. “That’s right. Right there,” she said, his face so buried in her, he could barely breathe.

“The sound carries,” said Kristen. She was watching and fingering herself, as she waited her turn. “You don’t think we can hear. But we hear everything.”

All those nights watching porn. Chastity porn. Denial porn. Jerking off. He’d thought he was being quiet. Apparently, he wasn’t.

Sophia climaxed loudly, gripping her thighs around his head and trembling against him as she came. Then she passed him over to Kristen.

She gave his cock a short stroke with her foot as Kristen opened her legs nice and wide to accommodate him and he whimpered with pleasure with the feeling of fullness and aching in his cock and of being so thoroughly used.

“I think he’s pretty good. Don’t you Kristen?” Sophia leaned back on the couch to watch. She used her toes to idly toy with his cock. “Don’t worry. You can be a little less gentle with him. Can’t she, Greg?” Sophia didn’t wait for an answer before she pushed his face deeper into Kristen’s pussy, making both of them moan.

Finally, he heard Kristen cry out, her thighs clamped around him. “Oh, god. Yes. He’s good. He’s very good.”

He slumped to the floor, his cock still straining. Kristen and Sophia’s wetness were literally coating his face. He felt sticky. Sticky and…tingly….and….pleased with himself. He was doing a good job. He was being a good boy. Wasn’t that what he had wanted all along? Yes, it was. 

He crawled back to Sophia and lay his head in her lap, where she stroked his hair gently. Then she slowly dangled the key to his cage in front of his glazed eyes and said, “I’ll just hold on to this for you.”

He didn’t have to see her face to know she was smiling.

“I don’t think you’ll mind. Will you? After all, we wouldn’t want it to get stolen.”

Domme Bites: Can Kink Help Control Chronic Pain?

gentle domme bite me

According to a study in Disability Studies Quarterly, practicing BDSM can help some people with chronic pain.

At first glance, this might seem counterintuitive. As author Emma Sheppard says, “Why would someone who lives with chronic pain want more pain?” But the difference is that kink pain is “chosen pain,” that lasts for a specific amount of time, as opposed to chronic pain, which is definitely non-consensual and ongoing. In addition, chronic pain often leaves victims of it feeling out of control.

In opposition, Sheppard says, “In using pain within their play, participants were able to engage emotionally with their pain, and with their bodily selves, in a controlled space, and in ways in which they were in control, rather than relying on the judgement of medics or caregivers. This is because in kink, they had the ability to decide how they received pain, and to call a stop to any activity—as well as the knowledge that the pain is temporary.”

If you’re a kinky spoonie or just have one in your life, you should definitely check this full study out. I found it pretty fascinating.

Ask a Gentle Domme: How Can I Get My Wife or Girlfriend to Peg Me?

pegging girlfriend strap on

The short answer is that there’s no way to force your wife to peg you or to like it. But, depending on what her objections are and what your relationship is like, you might be able to convince to her to give it a try.

Pegging, a term coined by readers of Dan Savage back in 2001, is when a woman uses a dildo to perform anal sex on a man, usually using a strap on harness or double ended dildo that can worn internally by the woman. 

Pegging, a term coined by readers of Dan Savage back in 2001, is when a woman uses a dildo to perform anal sex on a man, usually using a strap on harness or double ended dildo that can worn internally by the woman. 

These kinds of questions are fairly common. You’ve heard about pegging and maybe tried some anal play on yourself and realized you liked it. And why not? The prostate, located inside the male booty, can be exquisitely sensitive and pleasurable for some men—although not all. Everyone is different. Some submissive men are also attracted to the perceived power exchange dynamics associated with pegging. It allows a woman to penetrate a man, which can feel sexy to men who want to give up control to women. While some men may be too embarrassed about asking for anal play, pegging is becoming more and more mainstream and more couples are into giving it a try. 

Personally, I have tried and enjoy pegging and various forms of anal play with men, including manual massage and rimming. Although men and women can worry about the mess…the idea of poop isn’t sexy to most people despite how good anal play can feel…I’ve found that with simple hygiene procedures like making sure you’ve recently gone to the bathroom and washing well, the mess is minimal to none. I really enjoy watching a man go crazy when his prostate is stimulated. I find it to be an incredibly intimate act that requires a lot of trust. And while it can be kinky and used to create an F/m power dynamic, it doesn’t necessarily have to be. 

But just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that your girlfriend or wife will. And don’t assume that just because a woman is a domme, that necessarily means she likes pegging. She’s probably more likely to than the average vanilla girl, but it’s not a guarantee. 

So, you can’t force your partner to peg you. But are there some ways you could get her to come around? Maybe.

First, find out what her objections are. Is that she’s worried that it will be gross? If so, the first step might be a nice shower together. If you want to be extra sure, you could volunteer to make sure you’re nice and clean by using an anal douche or enema first. 

Is it that she feels it’s not masculine? There is a misconception that liking anal play might mean a man is secretly gay, but this is totally untrue. Both straight men and gay men enjoy anal play. It just feels good! But your partner might need some help unpacking some of her stereotypes about masculinity and gender.

Or maybe she’s worried she won’t know what to do or that she’ll hurt you. I can assure you from experience that if you’ve never penetrated anyone before, it takes some getting used to. Pegging made me realize that penetration can be work out! Also, when men penetrate women with their penises, they can feel the sensation of what they’re doing. When you’re using a dildo, you have to learn how to move in a pleasurable way and be extra careful that you don’t hurt your partner. Watching some realistic amateur pegging porn could help your female partner see some examples of what to do and make her feel more comfortable. You should also reassure her that you’ll communicate well and you can stop or take a break any time she decides. 

Getting a good harness from a company like Spare Parts that has a pocket for a bullet vibe also couldn’t hurt. It will stimulate her as she’s stimulating you. But good harnesses can be a little on the pricey side, so be aware of that. Otherwise, have her a choose a cheap harness that makes her feel sexy at first. You can always upgrade later.

So, what if you try all of these things? Promising to make your butt extra clean? Discussing outdated notions about what’s masculine and what’s not? Working through worries or fears about trying something new? And despite that, she still doesn’t want to give it a go? 

Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to make your partner want to peg you. As disappointing as that might be, hounding her is unlikely to do anything but annoy her and make the prospect even more distasteful. Assuming this isn’t a make or break decision for your relationship, your best bet at that point would be a compromise—perhaps that you wear a butt plug during sex—or stick to anal explorations that are entirely solo. If you don’t pressure her too much, you could always revisit the option at a later date, and maybe her feelings will change.

Can You Be a Gentle Femdomme and a Sadist Too? The (Mostly) Painless Truth!

sadistic femdom scratching

The answer to this question, like so many things in kink, is it depends who you’re asking. I believe that you can be into gentle femdom and be a sadist as well, because I think that gentle femdom has more to do with attitude than activities.

I believe that you can be into gentle femdom and be a sadist as well, because I think that gentle femdom has more to do with attitude than activities.

I do think there are certain sadistic activities that tend not to generally lend themselves to gentle femdom. For example, I don’t know many, if any, gentle dommes who are also into ball busting. But I’m sure there are a few out there who would tell you they feel no discrepancy between kicking a man in his family jewels and cradling him in their lap after telling him what a good job he did taking the pain.

Sadism and masochism are spectrums. A bare-handed spanking can feel sensual and tingly or really, really hurt and leave you bruised for days! A Wartenburg wheel against your skin can feel just a little stingy or, if pressed hard enough, make you bleed. And tolerance for pain tends to increase with sexual arousal, so something that might hurt a lot when you’re not very turned on can start to feel pretty damned good when you are. Personally, I enjoy the feeling of hot wax dripped on my skin, but my partner finds it painful in a very unpleasant way.

I consider myself both a gentle domme and a bit of a sadist.

I consider myself both a gentle domme and a bit of a sadist. I like getting reactions from partners, and those reactions can be whimpers or moans or pleasure or pain. Some of my favorite sadistic activities are the kind that are mean in the sense that they torment a man but that aren’t dangerous. For example, I like to tie someone up and tickle him, watching him writhe and beg for me to stop. I also love tease and denial, edging someone to just the point of orgasm and then stopping, and doing it over and over again until he’s desperate and aching to come. Then I might either take pity and let him come, ruin his orgasm, so he ejaculates but doesn’t feel the full pleasure of the orgasm, or I make him wait—which might seem mean, but some men enjoy the feeling of desperation.

So, is this really sadism? I would never do anything to a submissive partner that he really didn’t want to have done. That’s part of the agreement we make together that should be a part of all safe and ethical kink.

I’m personally less likely to beat a man until he’s severely bruised or bloody because I don’t really like it that much and because I’m a little scared of causing actual injury. But that’s my preference. And there are some activities that just seem unappealing to me, like sounding, which is sticking (hopefully sterilized) rods into someone’s urethra. To me, this seems unappealingly sadistic, and I worry about the danger of infection. However, I have talked to men who very much enjoy this kind of play and the sensations they provide.

I would say that the overall reason I believe I can be both sadistic and gentle is in the attitude I have during play.

I would say that the overall reason I believe I can be both sadistic and gentle is in the attitude I have during play. When I tickle a man until he thinks he’s dying or tease him until he wishes he was, I tend to use a playful, sweet tone of voice and focus on how good/patient/sweet/willing he’s being by allowing himself to be used as my toy for my amusement. I never denigrate him or call him worthless or use the tropes you often see in femdom porn. Why would I want to be with someone useless or worthless?

One question may be—what if my sub wants to be called useless or worthless? Some sadism is psychological and not physical. Where is the line between what is gentle and what’s not? Honestly, I don’t believe there is any clear line. Kink is a dynamic between two (or more) people, and it’s really up to them to define what it means to them personally. So, if you consider yourself to be a gentle domme, but you have a sub who like humiliation play, you just have to figure out what you are comfortable with and what you’re not. When I call my partner my cute little slut, he loves it.  So, I love it too.

Domme Bites: Using Kink to Help Remain Sober

gentle domme bite me

Here’s an interesting first hand article about a woman who uses kink to help her maintain her sobriety. People in the Scene might not be surprised about this.

First, alcohol and drug use is generally frowned upon when practicing BDSM because of safety and consent concerns. And BDSM play can light up similar receptors in the brain to those lit up from drug use, allowing people to get a natural high.

Check out the article here. I wish good luck to this lady exploring her sexuality and taking control of her life.

Help! My Boyfriend is a Sub and I’m a Switch. How Can I Get What I Need?

kinky games for submissives and switches

Sometimes people’s needs match up perfectly. But often they don’t. You might think that if you meet a partner through the kink community, you’re all set. You’re both kinky. What’s the problem? But as most experienced kinksters know, it’s not always that simple.

If you’re a switch and you meet a submissive man who doesn’t feel capable of switching and being dominant at times, it can lead to a tough situation. You can feel like you’re giving him what he needs, but a part of you isn’t getting what you need.

There’s no perfect solution to this issue, as you can’t change your partner’s sexual needs or kinky desires any more than he can change yours. But here are a few suggestions.

  • He can try being a service top. Some submissive men who find it hard to get into a dominant headspace can get there if you order them to do it.  Explain how you want to feel and tell him that it’s job to evoke those feelings or sensations in you. It might take time for your partner to find his footing, especially if he doesn’t have any experience taking on the role of a top. Some men are afraid they will hurt their partners—and not in a good way. So, communication is key. This kind of arrangement can be especially helpful if you have masochistic desires and like kinky play, although it might not quite scratch your itch if you truly want to feel submissive because you might feel like you are still really in charge. But if your partner’s role play skills get good enough, you could feel less like a femdomme and more like a docile (or bratty) submissive. And if your boyfriend or husband’s confidence grows, he might also discover the fun of switching from time to time.
  • Experiment. While there is no guarantee that your partner will end up enjoying being a dom or a top, sometimes we have preconceived notions about what we like and dislike. Just as some people have a stereotypical idea about what femdom looks like, your partner might have preconceived ideas about what it means to be a dom or to top a partner. Just like many women who might be turned off by stereotypical femdom find gentle femdom to be sexy and exciting, your partner might find elements of maledom stirring if you both explore fantasies and ideas together, forgoing the stereotypes and letting go of the idea that a dom needs to be stern or demanding. Daddy dommes are quite popular in the Scene these days, and they have a more nurturing quality that is similar to gentle femdom. But your partner does not even need to follow any specific example of dominance. You can create one yourself for your particular relationship.
  • Meet your needs elsewhere. Depending on your relationship structure, you might find a dom who can help bring out the submissive feelings you’ve craving. While some kinky couples are non-monogamous, this doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship. It can just involve non-sexual play. You might meet up with a play partner at a dungeon from time to time or he or she could give you tasks to complete that will reinforce a submissive state. For some F/m couples, this kind of dynamic can work nicely with a sexual component, especially if your partner has cuckolding fantasies—although I would recommend starting slowly with this kind of relationship structure, because it can bring out a lot of difficult emotions and isn’t for everyone.
  • End the relationship. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but if getting your submissive needs met is that important you and your partner is unable to meet those needs, you might think about whether the relationship will work out in the long run. There are many qualities that go into a successful relationship. So, if the rest of the relationship is working well, you might decide that fantasizing is enough. But if it’s not and your partner is unwilling or unable to meet those needs and you don’t want to add an outside party to your relationship, then you have to think seriously about whether you are compatible enough to be happy. Although both partners are kinky, this situation is really not so different from a kinky person who is involved with a vanilla person. It’s hard to “fake” desire. However, people’s tastes and desires can change over time.

Being a switch in a relationship with a sub can be a balancing act. Many relationships like these can work with compromise and communication, but ultimately, only you can decide what you need to be happy in relationship with someone. While some people feel that kink is the icing on the cake of their relationship, other see it as bedrock that needs to be fully stable for a relationship to survive and thrive.

The Foolproof Way to Catch a Gentle Femdom: Hint. Remember She’s a Woman First.

dominant woman with crop on feet

Since the name of my blog is The Gentle Domme, it’s likely that part of the reason you’re here is because you want a specific kind of femdom, a gentle femdom. You want a woman who can take control, but do it sweetly and make it clear that she loves and adores you, despite what “torture” she might inflict upon your naughty bits.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

First, a disclaimer. There will be loads of femdommes who say, “Well, I don’t identify as a gentle femdom, but I love and adore my subs too, and I can be sweet, and I can also do terrible things to men’s naughty bits very sweetly!” And I am not here to argue with those women, because what they are saying is completely true.

There is no official test to identify someone as a femdomme or a gentle femdomme or a mean femdomme or even a dragon femdomme (except that maybe the fire breathing, scales, wings and love for hoarding gold could be a tip off). You can identify however you want, and it’s really up to people within each and every relationship to negotiate their own dynamics.

But for the sake of this blog, we’re going to define gentle femdom as femdom lite. There is more kissing and praising, less beating and name calling, more tender embarrassment, less degradation and humiliation, more teasing and honor chastity play, less CBT and cock cages that chafe.

The good thing about wanting a gentle femdom is that I believe they are relatively easy to find, if you let go of some preconceived notions about what you are looking for and where to look for it.

The first place people in a “niche market” think to go these days to find a partner is online. And if you’re into kink, the default website is Fetlife. Fetlife isn’t technically a dating site. It’s not organized like one. It’s more like kinky Facebook. There’s no harm in starting your search there. But remember that it will be easier to decide if you actually like someone and if they actually like you if you meet in person. So, do try to get away from the computer and use Fetlife to check out local events in your area.

When perusing Fetlife for potential partners, I would avoid profiles like Mistress_Goddess_Cockkiller888 who define themselves by what they like to do to men and have a harsh tone in their writing. Instead, consider women who don’t even label themselves as dommes. Look for tops, switches, kinksters, even women who say they are exploring and talk about who they are as people and what they are looking for outside of just kink.

When men go “domme hunting,” they think they are looking for someone who has her sexuality all figured out. But sexuality is fluid, and many younger women don’t even find their top sides until they gain some age, confidence and maturity. In short, don’t rule out women because they aren’t fitting a stereotypical image of a domme. They might not even know they are dommes yet, even though they are interested.  If you read a little deeper into a lot of women’s profiles, you’ll see that many bottoms also like to top, that many switches are into the idea of some F/m D/s but haven’t had the chance to really explore it yet.

I give this same advice for using vanilla dating sites like OK Cupid or even meeting women in person, through friends. The great thing about gentle femdom is that what turns a lot of women off from the idea of femdomme is a fear of being mean. Women are socialized to not be bossy, to not assert themselves to the detriment of someone else’s feelings.

But gentle femdom isn’t mean—usually—at least when you start out. 😉 It’s quite nurturing. Women are definitely socialized to be nurturing. So, if you find a sexually adventurous woman who isn’t too hung up on ideas about stereotypical and harmful beliefs regarding male strength and weakness, there’s a good chance she will at least give topping a man she likes a try.

That doesn’t mean she will discover she’s into it, or into it all the time.  And it doesn’t mean that she will necessarily want a full-time D/s relationship. But there are more women than most submissive men think who would be open to kinky play and power exchange in a relationship. They just get so hung up on finding a woman who looks like the women they’ve seen in porn or in fantasies, maybe partially because they are nervous and new and think that kind of women will know what to do, that they become sort of domme-blind to the women who might be their dream gentle dommes in a loving, playful relationship.

Yes. One on hand, if you’re both new or unsure, it will take a little time to find your groove as a couple. But, on the hand, you get to learn together what you both like and dislike. It’s a journey you take together. Essentially, my advice boils down to this. Dommes are women first, dommes second, or third or fourth, depending on their priorities. Especially when you’re looking for a gentle femdom, which usually involves relatively light play and loving relationship dynamics, don’t rule out women who don’t look or act like a stereotypical domme. If they are open and you have chemistry, there’s a good chance your relationship could bring out her domme side, benefitting you

Five Kinkalicious Ways to Help Your Girlfriend Feel Like the Confident Domme She Was Born to Be

BDSM pink handcuffs

If you’re a lucky sub who’s scored the girl of his vanilla dreams AND she’s psyched to be your domme, you probably feel like you’ve hit the jackpot. But if your girlfriend or wife is new to femdom, she might feel nervous about her fresh role. Most women are taught both consciously and subconsciously to defer to men and place their needs second, and even though society is changing and encouraging women to be more empowered in their careers and personal lives, it can be difficult for a lot of women to truly embrace their own dominance.

However, since you’re such an appreciative subby partner who wants to encourage his lady to let out her inner domme, there are some things you should do and not do to help her feel her most confident and powerful.

  1. Tell her how amazing she is. There’s nothing like the power of a compliment, or a hundred, to make a woman realize just how special she is to you. Of course, you want to be genuine. Most women can spot a fake compliment a mile off. But let her know how smart, funny, beautiful, genuine and strong she is on a regular basis.
  2. Don’t leave all the scene planning to her unless she wants you to do that. One of the most common questions on femdom discussion forums involves a newbie domme asking what to do! While she might like the idea of being in charge, that doesn’t mean she knows what you like or even what exact things to try if you’re delving into kinky play. A lot of subs worry that it will seem like they’re trying to top from the bottom if they give their partners scene ideas, but unless you’re being demanding, she will likely welcome the conversation. Just stress that the choice is ultimately up to her. But if you take time to share fantasies and possibilities that you both find hot, it will probably help her relax.
  3. On the other hand, don’t be too controlling. This might seem like a narrow road to walk, but it’s really pretty simple.  While your partner might appreciate some ideas to get started, don’t criticize a scene or try to bend it to your will. Obviously, if something violates a limit of yours, let your partner know. And if something goes wrong, address it, but gently. You have to give her some room to grow as a dominant, even if that means you don’t get everything you want right away. Remember, you’re trying to help her find her footing as a domme, which will hopefully benefit you as well!
  4. Encourage her to talk to other women. If you’re out in your local Scene, see if there’s fedomme group your partner might want to attend where she could get to know other women and talk to them about questions or concerns she has. If you don’t want to go public and plan to keep your kink strictly in your own homes, there are still some great discussion groups on Reddit and Fetlife where new dommes can talk to more experienced dommes.
  5. Ask her! There are lots of different ways to be a domme. Some women prefer to receive service. Some prefer to receive pleasure. Some are more active in taking control both inside or outside of the bedroom. You will find that this will be a growing process for the both of you where you figure out what you like and don’t like. Keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you can be helpful. Your partner might not know what she likes at the beginning of your relationship, or even if she’s had some previous experiences, she might not know what she likes with you. Although you don’t want to continuously prod her with questions, setting up a weekly or monthly chat where you discuss where your relationship has been and where’s it’s going, can be useful for a couple.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one.

The number of messages online about overeager subs who crush their new domme’s spirit by either overwhelming her or leaving her totally on her own is sad. The fantasy that your partner is going to know exactly how to treat you is a strong one. But, in reality, the more confident and empowered you make your partner feel, the better a domme she’ll be! Take the time to show her how important she is, communicate about what you both want to explore and leave room for her to figure out her own style, and you will likely be rewarded for your efforts with an excited, engaged partner who is self-assured and fierce. 

Can You Be Patient? Can You Be Very Good?

erotica femdom queen

He stood halfway between her and the door. She had a feeling he might turn and run and that feeling made her feel sorry for him but also excited her. She fingered her dress, considering options. Should she try to calm him down or try to extend the moment? She decided on both.

The young men stood in front of her expectantly, shifting their weight between their legs. They’d been standing for a good hour before she arrived. No words. Hands at their sides. Naked except for underwear that was largely insignificant. The lighting was dim. They didn’t know it, but she’d been observing them the entire time from a panel in a side door, taking her time, watching them as they didn’t know they were being watched, taking in their small movements, their stamina, idiosyncrasies. The way one scratched idly at his ankle with a toe. The way one yawned and then quickly tried to hide it, stretching his neck.

The one at the far end appeared nervous, and that drew her gaze toward him the most. He was fair, even in the low, buttery light. Long and slim with bee stung lips. He stood the straightest of the bunch. He looked afraid to move.

He was the one.

She pointed. “Him.”

She waited for him in the bedroom. There was a fire going opposite the large, high bed and candles lit around the room. It was dark and warm. She sat in a plush corner chair, hidden in the shadows, and anticipated.

“Hello?” A sweet voice as the door opened.

“Come in.”

“Hello?” A hitch in his breath. A small stumble of bare feet on the tile.

“In the corner.”

“Oh.” He laughed. But it was jumpy. “I couldn’t see, ma’am. I’m adjusting.”

“You will.”

“I will. I mean. I am….Ma’am.”

He stood halfway between her and the door. She had a feeling he might turn and run and that feeling made her feel sorry for him but also excited her. She fingered her dress, considering options. Should she try to calm him down or try to extend the moment? She decided on both.

“Come here,” she said. “Sit at my feet.” She patted her knee.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, hurriedly. “Of course.” He walked quickly to her and kneeled beside the chair, his head bowed in front of her.

He smelled sweet and fresh and she couldn’t help herself. She reached out to tousle his hair. He gasped, moaned slightly and leaned into her touch, rubbing up against her hand slightly like a pup.

“Oh, you are eager!” There was no point keeping the pleasure out of her voice. She’d picked well this time.

“I am, ma’am,” he whispered, strained. “I’m sorry. I’ll try not to get too excited.”

“I hope not.” She laughed. “Why do you think I chose you?”

“I don’t know, ma’am.”

She picked his head up by his chin so she could look in his eyes. Wide. Impatient. Expectant.

“Because you’re perfect.”

He bit his lip and smiled.

“Stand up. Take those off.”

“Yes ma’am.” He acted quickly, up off his knees and fingers tucked into the band of the thin fabric.

“Wait.”

“Yes? “ He paused. “Did I do something wrong? You said…”

“No. No. It’s just, I should take a little time and enjoy you. Turn around. I want to see your ass when you take them off.”

He exhaled, gulped. “Of course, ma’am.” Began to pull at the fabric again.

“Slowly.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His fingers shaking a little, he inched it down, revealing a taut bottom a shade or two even lighter than the rest of him.

“Perfect,” she whispered again.

“Thank you, ma’am. I’m glad you like me.”

“I definitely do. Now bend over.”

“Bend over?”

“Ma’am,” she reminded. “Keep your manners.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am. Yes ma’am.”

“Don’t you want me to look at you?”

“I do, ma’am. I mean, I do! It’s just…” He halted.

She rose from the chair and stood with her face against his back. “Yes?” She encouraged. She placed her hands lightly against his hipbones, pulling her to him just a little, feeling him sigh into her.

“I’m embarrassed.” He hunched and his shoulder nuzzled against her breastbone. “Ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “But you’re beautiful,” she said. “I want to see you.” She took one hand off his hip and pinched the smooth flesh of his ass playfully. “Besides. I want you embarrassed.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t so much a word as a moan, and he stepped forward and leaned down gracefully, taking what was left of his shorts with him.

“Now, that wasn’t so bad. Was it?” She walked around him in a circle, her hand on the small of his back, pinning him there as she toyed with him. She ran one finger delicately between his cheeks and smiled as he shivered. Once she was behind him again, she pulled him close once more. “Was it?”

“No, ma’am?” His voice was thin.

“You can stand up now,” she said, and when he did, she slid her hands around to his chest and stomach, slowly moving them down his body.

“Oh! Getting a little desperate,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“It wasn’t a question. You’re leaking all over my hand.”

“Ah.” He groaned. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I am. I am getting very desperate. You’re so beautiful. You’re so nice. You’re being so good to me. You’re making me very, very desperate. Please.”

“Please?” She teased, her voice full of fake pity. “Please? Poor baby. You can get on the bed now, but I’ll have to take my hand away. Just for a minute.”

He hesitated for a split second, and then scrambled up onto the mattress, face up, and she followed, slowly, hiking up her knee length dress as she did, kneeling over his thighs. His cock twitched and flexed against his stomach, leaking out slickness.

“Now, I need to know. Can you be very patient? Can you be very good?” She climbed on top of him and slowly lowered herself down, taking him inside of her.

He groaned. “Yes, ma’am. I can be patient. I can be good. I want you to enjoy yourself, ma’am. Thank you for choosing me, ma’am. Thank you. I can be good. I can be patient. You won’t regret it.”

“I know you can. I know I won’t.” She leaned over and spoke softly into his ear. “You feel delicious. You’re doing such a good job for me.” Then she laughed as he shuddered against her skin. With every desperate moan and whimper, her excitement built.

She moved slowly and carefully, squeezing him, working him, appreciating each sigh and effort, purposefully speeding up to watch his face clench, his hips buck despite himself, and then slowing down to enjoy his frustration, his tortured breath.

He was thick inside of her. She liked watching the silky fabric of her dress rub against his smooth skin, the feeling of it ruching heavy around her waist. She wanted to take more time and stretch out her pleasure, but her body didn’t want to wait. Anyway, there was time. He wasn’t going anywhere. She grabbed his hands and pushed them over his head, leaning over him, into him, rubbing against him as she used him to massage herself.

“Oh, please, ma’am. Please.” He begged, and each word spurred her on.

“Please ma’am, what?” She teased. She could feel her orgasm building, right on the verge.

“Please let me come. Please, ma’am. Please?” His hips rose against hers, trying to meet her rhythm, but she refused to let them. She kept him pinned, locked her eyes onto his urgent ones.

“Oh, gorgeous boy.” It crested over her and she rode him out through it, his teeth biting into his lip so hard there was a drop of blood. “Not yet. Not yet.”

Stop Assuming Femdommes Hate Men!

passionate kiss

If you only look at hardcore femdom porn or see the ridiculous parodies of femdommes in mainstream movies, leather clad, whip wielding dominatrices telling men to get down on their knees and beg for mercy like the pathetic, small dicked worms they are, well, then you might have a kind of skewed representation of what femdommes are like. You might even think they hate men and practice their activities because they want to hurt men out of that hatred. 

If you only look at hardcore femdom porn or see the ridiculous parodies of femdommes in mainstream movies, leather clad, whip wielding dominatrices telling men to get down on their knees and beg for mercy like the pathetic, small dicked worms they are, well, then you might have a kind of skewed representation of what femdommes are like.

While I can’t guarantee that there aren’t femdommes who hate men, I haven’t yet met one who says she does. I’ve met a few who say that they think women are superior to men. But I would say that from my interactions with other dommes, most of them feel the same ways about men that other women do—that is to say that they like some of them and dislike some of them and love a few. 

Porn and some of the over the top depictions of femdom in the media create the impression that femdommes hate men because of fantasy and maybe because society is frightened by assertive female sexuality. It’s kind of exciting to fantasize about a cruel mistresses who uses you for her amusement, but once you’ve been in a relationship with a domme or a switch, it doesn’t take long to see that it’s not very different than any other relationship. Your girlfriend is not going to be carrying a flogger around all the time. She’s not going to be in a leather corset 24/7. Man, those things are uncomfortable! Most of the time, you do the same things other couples do…you just might get ordered around a little more. And, if you’re lucky, you’ll have some hot play. 

Some people might perceive that femdommes hate men because they don’t understand BDSM, the ways that pain and pleasure can mingle for some people and enhance each other. Pain tolerance increases with arousal level, and even most vanilla folks know that a love bite feels different when you’re not aroused than when you’re about to go crazy with desire. 

If you don’t understand kink, when you see a domme beating, scratching or biting her sub, you might interpret that as cruelty. In reality, any ethical domme will have negotiated with her sub. Her sub likely enjoys the stimulation or enjoys not enjoying it, and the domme enjoys his enjoyment. It’s not an expression of hatred that you’re seeing. It’s an expression of play, lust or love. 

If you don’t understand kink, when you see a domme beating, scratching or biting her sub, you might interpret that as cruelty. In reality, any ethical domme will have negotiated with her sub.

Even chastity, which might appear like the ultimate cruelty (for some people), where a woman doesn’t allow her partner is orgasm, is often desired by the sub in an F/m relationship. It brings out powerful submissive feelings in some men, which they crave. It also keeps the dynamic between the couple sexy and teasing, like a sweet, erotic secret they share between them. Some men like feeling like they are denying themselves for their partners. There have been times when I’ve been playing with chastity where I’m doing it more for my sub than for me. Something I didn’t realize when I first started playing with chastity is that you can still have sex with your sub without letting him orgasm! Although this could appear mean, it’s been my experience that my partners find it both frustrating and thrilling at the same time.

Similarly, although small penis humiliation is overwhelming a male fantasy (I know very few dommes who enjoy humiliating men about their penises), if a domme was to humiliate her sub about his supposedly tiny penis, it would likely be his idea and his fetish. So what might appear to be cruel treatment by the domme would actually be instigated by her sub. And if the sub decided he didn’t like what was happening, he could use a safe word to stop the scene. Psychological play isn’t different than physical play, in that regard. No ethical domme would continue play if her partner truly wanted to stop. 

I would say that many dommes are very giving when it comes to their male partners and care quite a lot about their happiness-even if the methods to create that happiness may appear odd to outsiders of kink. 

So, no. Most lifestyle femdommes do not hate men. They choose to play with and have relationships with men. And why would they do that if they hated men? In contrast, I would say that many dommes are very giving when it comes to their male partners and care quite a lot about their happiness-even if the methods to create that happiness may appear odd to outsiders of kink. 

As for pro dommes, I cannot say, since I know very few of them intimately enough to ask them. I would imagine that they feel like any sex workers (although pro dommes do not usually have sex with clients) in that they enjoy some clients and don’t enjoy others.